The following is meant to be humorous. Please do not take it literally and go off and blithely do it. It's a prescription for how to exasperate verbal attackers.
How To Drive Anyone Up The Wall
This is going to show you exactly what to say to people who
are verbally mean, derogatory, bigotted, aggressive or attacking. Doing any or
all of the following verbal tricks will drive your opponent bananas and
eventually make them give up attacking you and leave in a huge huff. While you
sit and smile softly and wiggle your fingers "buh-bye!" For best results, mix up
the various techniques in the same conversation so your opponent doesn't catch
on to what you're doing.
1. Pretend You're Their Psychiatrist
You must ignore anything they say except to respond with one of the following
"therapist" statements, said in a pleasing neutral tone of voice, as if they
were crazy and you were their psychiatrist.
"What makes you believe that <their obnoxious statement>?"
"What makes you ask <their obnoxious question>?"
"When did you first start feeling that <their obnoxious statement>?"
"Tell me more about <their obnoxious statement>."
"Do you believe it is normal to think that <their obnoxious statement>?"
Doing this will drive your opponent up the wall in record time. This technique
is taken from an early artificial intelligence program called Eliza, a computer
simulation of a psychologist which "talks to you". Try it and see for yourself!
2. Pretend You're a Buddhist Monk
Your philosophy is extremely...philosophical. You have achieved a state of inner
peace and nothingness. Try responding to anything your opponent says with one of
the following "philosophical" gems.
"You are blessed in believing so."
"If you can believe that, then all things are possible."
"If only everyone thought as you did, the world would be a different place."
"A broken clock is correct twice each day."
"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."
When your opponent shrieks, "what do you mean by that?" you just smile softly,
remain silently mysterious, allow the silence to become uncomfortable for them,
and wait for their next statement to carry on your mayhem. If you want more
philosophical gems try googling "philosophical quotes".
3. Abruptly Accuse Them of Something Random
Out of the blue, in the middle of the conversation, accuse them of something
ridiculous or vague. It doesn't matter what. This will mentally unbalance them
and put them on the defensive, giving them a taste of their own medicine. When
they ask in shock what you mean or say they weren't doing what you accused them
of, always respond "You know exactly what I mean!" or "Don't play dumb with me!"
Try any of the following accusations.
"Are you threatening me?!"
"Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining!"
"Are you always this sarcastic?"
"You obviously don't know what you're talking about, and you have no idea how
you make yourself look saying it!"
"I was warned you were going to be like this and they were right!"
4. Make Them Define Random Words
You apparently don't speak English very well, because you demand definitions of
anything they said. This works better when you choose an unimportant word out of
everything they said to focus on, and that word has nothing to do with their
main idea. Obsessively focus on that one word as if their entire comment was
based on it.
For example, if they said "You are profoundly needy and insecure" obsessively
demand that they define the word "profoundly". If they said "You're nothing but
a fat, lazy cow" obsessively demand that they define the word "nothing". Refuse
to speak about anything except the definition of that one word until they go
look it up in a dictionary.
If they accuse you of nitpicking or changing the subject, tell them "I believe
words have specific meanings and that you ought to be clear when you speak." If
they have actually defined the word from a dictionary, tell them "Really, that
isn't what it means to most people," and refuse to elaborate further or invent a
ridiculous definition of your own. This will totally derail their attack into a
lively discussion about dictionaries.
5. Make Them Explain Everything
As opposed to #4, this one pretends that your opponent doesn't speak English
very well, because you need them to explain everything they say. No matter what
they said, claim that it made no sense at all to you, and ask "Just exactly what
do you mean by that?" Tell them that they are being deliberately unclear, and
that they must re-state what they said in Plain English for anyone to understand
them. This will exasperate them quickly.
If they accuse you of being stupid, respond that it is their obligation to make
themselves clear. If you've already goaded them into re-stating their opinion in
a couple of different ways, start demanding specific examples of what they said.
No matter what examples they come up with, abruptly change the topic or switch
to any of the other methods (for example, making them define an unimportant word
in their example, or asking them how they feel about whatever they said a-la
psychiatrist).
6. Mockingly Repeat Anything They Say
This one is very simple and very satisfying, and comes straight from the
playground. Whatever they say, simply repeat it back to them word for word in a
nasty, high-pitched, loud, mocking, nasal voice. If they've said something
longer than one phrase, just repeat the last phrase they used. For example, if
they said "You've always been just like this, the kids are going to grow up just
like you, they'll become stupid, spoiled whores!" you would mockingly repeat,
"they'll become stupid, spoiled whores!" Practice your mocking tone to yourself
to get it just right before you need to use it. Need I say more?
12 Nov 2010, 6:51 am
this is excellent stuff hahaha! ( i wouldn't try the last one though, i would laugh halfway through 
)
