Dont feel grief over loss of loved ones

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I agree death is part of life. It always makes me feel so weird when those in my life are grieving...and I have to pretend to grieve as not to offend those who grieve. Today is my father's birthday, my brother is upset because this date reminds him of his father and how he cant celebrate with him anymore. Mom told me to call my brother and check on him because today is dad's birthday and when I talked to him, he told me he is depressed. I asked him why.
He said, you know it is Dad's birthday. I said I know that is why I called you.

I dont feel upset at all...and I cant really comfort my brother, but just parrot something mom told me to say. How can I comfort him? I dont feel what he feels at all...I cannot relate. Even if I did feel grief, it would be so alien to me that I would not know what to do with it.

Usually when I feel a new emotion...even if it is negitive, I am thrilled. I remember the first time I felt guilt for something I did wrong. I was 17 and I broke a promise to my boyfriend out of impulse, not puposely. I felt guilty...and was so elated that I felt something new that the feeling of guilt did not stick around long. I told my boyfriend about it, and he was mad at me for breaking my promise...soon after he broke up with me.

I never cried when my cat died but I was sad but I didn't grieve. Maybe because she was old and I knew she was going to pass away soon because of what shape she was in. She didn't look good and her meowing was weak and her fur color looked faded and she had lot of knots in her fur because she didn't seem to clean herself anymore and she spent most of her time on the back porch. Plus she never used her litter box so she had cat poop all over the back deck. My dad thinks she may have been senile so that maybe explains why she stopped burying her poop in the box and why she wouldn't use it and go elsewhere. She use it and then stop after a while even though I kept the box clean. I could never understand why she developed these poor habits but after my dad saying she may have been senile, that explains it. Even when she was still fit as a fiddle, her mind still started to go so I thought she was developing these poor habits and I would try and train her and I kept her outside often because of it. She got worse and worse and I can remember when I moved out of my parents house, my cat acted funny and she stayed hidden in the kitchen and then after a few days she was back to normal. I figured she didn't know what was going on so she was confused because she was at a strange place and didn't know what was going on. But yet she didn't act that way when we took her back to our house in Washington or when we moved to Montana or when we left her there when we went on our summer trip or took her with us when we go see my grandparents there. Now I realize maybe her being senile had to do with it. Then she was in very bad shape in 2008 and I knew then she may live for another year and die. She died a month later after I last saw her.


But when my pet snail died when I was eight, I cried.

Hard to understand for a NT... but trying to shut down the irrational part of me, there is no reason to feel sad for the person who died, because he/she doesn't suffer.
Triumph of logic.
Trying to explain what NTs feel, they enjoy to stay with the loved person so they feel sad if they know that it will never happen anymore.

I can say without a doubt that this is something about myself that bothers me deeply.

Why does it bother YOU?

My cat died earlier this year and I was heartbroken. I've cried many times about it and still get teary now when I think about him. When my sister died I only felt a bit sad for an hour or so and didn't cry at all. It sounds really horrible but I just wasn't that bothered by it.

I'm the same way. I'm not sure why though. It could be a coping mechanism, I guess, but I think it's more that I understand that death is inevitable. I've never really felt attached to any person, even family. So (I'm going to sound like a terrible person when I say this) I don't feel sad about not having them around anymore. When my pets die, however, I get sad.

The best I can do here is to say, that when I was much younger more than likely hardly showed any emotional reaction to the loss of loved ones.It was only years later dd it start to affect me and as well, over the years I do tend to react to unpleasant scenarios though not in a extreme way just, that it's something that all people act or react to in differing ways..

I never cried much when my grandmother died. In fact, my first reaction was I thought that the person who told me was joking (in retrospect, I'm not sure why I though he would joke about that...). No tears with my grandfather either, really. I tried to go to work that day but my mom wouldn't let me.

I don't want to be tactless, but I would ask you what you feel for a person you love. Are you pleased to be with him/her?
I wonder what my son feels when he hugs me...

I bet you get a different answer for each person that responds.

I came from an all aspie family and there was no hugging; there was no yearning for hugs. As a young woman I had a normal/high sex drive, but I was the one who rolled over first to light the ciggarette (just an image, I HATE smoking). I loved snuggling and cuddling with my kids and all were breast fed, but at a certain age I kinda stopped and gave out hugs as they needed one, but not for myself. If I am stressed, human touch will make me jump out of my skin. Hugs are something I do for other people.

Today, several of the autistic kiddos I work with are very cuddly - I think they started young and have learned to enjoy it. They are the ones who hug me when I get to the house, hold hands, and want a kiss before I leave (I still like little kid snuggles)...

Does your son ask for hugs?
.

Yes and he's cuddly.
Neuropsichistrists that diagnosed him asked me if he was affectionate and I answered that he was. They looked at me like I was making all it up and I was told that he can't understand how I feel.
I think that people on the spectrum somehow love their family but I'm not able to understand the indifference with death that you are describing.
It maybe not related with love. Grief is worthless anyway...

A surprising number of "experts" dont seem to know very much about us. I think it is because they dont even consider getting to know the population with whom they consider themselves experts. They then publish naive papers that their likewise clueless peers assume are accurate. These are the esteemed peer reviewed articles that journals then proudly publish. they are quoted ad nauseum. It’s pathetic; don’t give them credence – you probably know far more now than they ever will.



Each of us is unique, so I can speak only for myself. No one knows what death is, yet there is so much supposition, myth, strong beliefs, questions. Even people who espouse strong beliefs in an afterlife are frightened by it. This is too illogical and ridiculous.

Then there are all the social roles of death that hopefully are not often needed regularly; and expectations. What are we supposed to do? What do people want? Death is made more complicated than it needs to be. But of course we love our families deeply and miss people who are gone forever. There is often a chasm of difference between what we know and what can be easily communicated.

Also, autism is a developmental disability. When I was young, a child, people were obstacles. I had my agenda and could not recognize other’s. I didn’t even know they had one. Figuring out this piece took a long time and was a gradual awakening.

The other piece for me is synchronicity. The more intense the situation the less able I am to process it in the moment. A death is intense and I need a lot of time to process it in solitude.

With our pets, its much more straight forward. They are dead without all the complications and drama. It allows us to simply grieve.
.

I think we can all trust our intuition to let us know when an expert is reliable. S/he is the one who does not make pronouncements about who we are and who obviously open to learning from us as individuals.

Autism is not a disability, disorder, or disease. We are a complex group of people who through the ages have significantly contributed to the sciences and arts that define civilization. With the GIFT of autism comes burdens that can makes our paths difficult and a barrier to how well understood and appreciated we are.

Have you thanked an autistic today (no hugs please)?

(PS Never quoted myself before – this could be the start of yet another insufferable habit )

Well I love my mother very deeply and feel I owe her alot for trying so hard for me, she is and always will be my hero. I also love my sister and brother but in a different way. My sister amazes me because she is so efficient and the smartest person I will probably ever know. She is facinating, and she is very protective of me. We love each other, but dont always understand each other. My brother, I love also, but in a different way also...we have a conflicted relationship as he is clearly an NT and we have alot of trouble finding common ground. If he were not my brother, I dont think I would choose to hang out with him and he probably feels the same way about me. However if someone is mean to him, I am very defensive of him. He is the same way with me. We love each other but do not understand each other in the least and dont have anything in common.

As far as if they died, I honestly have no idea how I would react. I might grieve or may just look at it hyper-logically. It does not mean I dont care about them...it means that I dont experience emotions like NTs do.

As far as pleased to be with my family, pleased is not the word I would chose...I am comfortable being with my mom...and she is the only person who really knows me, so I can be myself in ease with her. I am on edge with everyone else trying to antispate unspoken rules that also applies with my sibblings. I am most pleased working on an art project.
Does this mean the project is more important than my loved ones, no...it just means I am an introvert and enjoy the tranquility of my own time...it is the way I recharge my batteries.

Thanks for your answer