This is my first topic I'm posting. It took feeling like this to get there. So quick background:
I have ADHD (motor-mouth, not hyper climbing walls... usually) and likely Asperger's. I've been married eleven years to a software engineer who may well be an Aspie, too. We have two kids. Our eight-year-old daughter is right in the middle of the ASD spectrum, just a hair above "moderate" functioning. Our son is three and seems to be NT (knock on wood!), maybe leaning toward ADHD. Since he's still little, I'm not worrying about it too much.
My husband never beats any of us. Not physically. But his continuously snide attitude tears me apart. He's snide to me and impatient with our kids. Our daughter isn't 100% toilet trained (about 95%), and his yelling is sure to be a reason why. If she doesn't use the toilet and goes in her pants instead, he'll yell at her. I've heard him call her "stupid" once in a while when he didn't know I was in earshot. He did shove her into a wall once, but I told him that will never happen again! It hasn't, as far as I know. He can be rough in that he'll drag either kid by the arm if they aren't cooperating. It doesn't qualify for physical abuse, but it does add to the overall picture.
With me, he has total resentment. I have problems with money--spending and remembering to pay bills. We're in a huge amount of debt. I hide the worst of it from him because I can't stand the smoldering anger. I keep trying to do things better, but I always seem to fall short. The house is a mess, and we've had to hire someone to help me with the kids in the afternoons because of recent back surgery I had.
He lets his resentment run him. He assumes I know what he's thinking, but I don't! He assumed we were going to make the ten+ hour drive to his family for Christmas. Again, I recently had back surgery. And, I had understood we were going to set it for July each year instead. He doesn't like to go to my family more than his, even though only spend a day, maybe two, with my family when we do go. We spend more like a week with his. In his mind, it's not fair, so he doesn't think we should make the three-hour drive to my family more often than to his. So he's really pissed that we're staying home for Christmas.
We're trying to clean the house while he has his two weeks off. I've been hanging pictures that have been in boxes taking up space. I'm limited in what I can do, so I felt good about doing it. He seemed sullen a little while ago today, so I said, "I hope you're not mad at what I'm doing." He said it's what I said I was going to do. I told him that I can't tell what he's thinking. When I look at him, I have to guess if he's disappointed in me or really disappointed with me. His response: "Pretty much."
A few nights ago, I told him of a seemingly crazy fear that's been festering. You hear of engineer-types (well, others, too, but still) going nuts and killing their families. There was a software engineer a couple of years ago who flew his small airplane into his house to commit suicide, and that has stuck in my head. I told him, "I know it's just my anxiety, and that's why I'm trying this new med." He didn't answer me. I told him his job was to reassure me. He said that kind of thing is impossible to predict, because those people clearly snapped unexpectedly. I said, "That's not helpful." He said, "I'm not planning to do anything like that." That left me kind of sick to the stomach. He hasn't shown overtly violent tendencies, but he does like violent movies and games and such.
I don't know whether he's just being a butthead, or if I should worry. Either way, I don't like how he is around me and around our daughter. Recently, I told him I don't know if we're going to make it. He said he'd been thinking the same thing and sometimes wonder if he should just give me half of his money and get out of our lives, not seeing the kids again (but would send support). Then his "on the other hand" is that he should take full custody because he doubts I can take care of the kids on my own. I can't even hold down a job.
I've been taking classes in Web/Graphic Design, and I am good at it, but I have no business sense. I have never held a job longer than seven or ten months. I'm constantly missing bill due dates. I am always tired and anxious, unless I'm playing hockey, which I can't do this season due to my back (hockey isn't why I had the injury). Then I feel better, but I have the worries of not being home.
I have NO idea what to do. My family is NOT good support. They're extremely dysfunctional, and I don't want to have them help me raise my kids all messed up like that. I do have friends, but not anyone who can really help if the kids and I leave him. My back is still messed up. We're so far in debt that we'd go bankrupt if we separated. I just do NOT know what to do.
Have any of you been in this situation? What did you do right? What did you do wrong? Thanks.
21 Dec 2010, 5:42 pm
