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ToughDiamond
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10 Aug 2010, 9:50 am

To be honest it's been a long time since I believed anybody who said they loved me. I hear their words, but their behaviour to me, though not often hateful, doesn't seem to tally with their claims. So I don't know what they mean when they say it, and I don't think they know what they mean either.

That's not to say I've never felt loved. Just that I've relied on my own observations rather than hear-say. And sometimes it can be nice to hear, even if the meaning isn't clear.

I say it as well (only to partners), but that's really just to fit in. I've sometimes felt a great admiration and attachment for them, but have never yet been in the right situation to voice how I feel. One day it'll probably happen, but I don't think I'll use the bog standard "I love you," I'd rather just tell them how brilliant I think they are.



jdcnosse
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10 Aug 2010, 10:30 am

I can sort of feel it? lol Like at times I can feel that she loves me, because she does something really nice for me or whatever. Other times when we're joking around and I forget that we're joking around, and I take what she says to mean she doesn't actually love me. This is only when I'm stressed though.


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Radiofixr
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10 Aug 2010, 2:07 pm

I can love but I have never had someone love me because I am so in my words not worthy of someones love


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10 Aug 2010, 5:08 pm

Well, I don't know if you're supposed to be able to "feel it", I have never heard that such a capability exists.



islandmother
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28 Dec 2010, 10:44 pm

I am an NT and I love several Aspies. I've noticed that sometimes Aspies, think I show love when I am interested in their special interest, and that I don't love them when I'm not interested in their special interest. This can be a problem because I can be interested in a special interest and appreciate the conversation - yet not be in love with the person conversing. I just like them and am perhaps intrigued by the subject. For me, love is independent of one's special interest.
I definitely feel it - it's intense and feels a little like happiness/compassion - and a bit like recognizing oneself in the other.
Once I was told by a loved one that they felt unloved because I had taken no (academic) interest in their scientific career. After I pointed out that I was, in fact, listening to this conversation after traveling halfway across the world, at the cost of several thousands of dollars, while taking extended time off from my employment in order to spend time with them.... I got a surprised look and an "Oh! I guess you do care."



Megz
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28 Dec 2010, 11:26 pm

Huh, before just now I had never considered that other people could automatically sense love. So, no I can't feel it, but I can examine the evidence and come to the conclusion that someone loves me.



auntblabby
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28 Dec 2010, 11:58 pm

when i was a passenger in my sister's car, carrying my late mother's cremains in my lap on the ride up to the cemetery for inurnment, for several minutes i felt a unique feeling- a totally enveloping feeling of warmth- not hot warmth to make me sweaty and uncomfortable, but an emotional warmth, a feeling of love just flowing within and without, that comforted me tremendously for several minutes. i believe that was my mother's spirit communicating with me. the closest physical comparison, is the feeling you get when you take your bathrobe out of the dryer on a cold day, and put it on- but this feeling was INSIDE me, not on the outside.



AbleBaker
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29 Dec 2010, 12:18 am

No, I don't believe I can.

My mother is always telling me she loves me. I can tell she intends this to be reassuring but I don't get the emotion behind them.

I once made the mistake of trying to explain that I didn't "love" her (or anyone) but this only offended her which was not my intention.



katzefrau
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29 Dec 2010, 1:12 am

islandmother wrote:
I am an NT and I love several Aspies. I've noticed that sometimes Aspies, think I show love when I am interested in their special interest, and that I don't love them when I'm not interested in their special interest.


i have been pondering the idea, more of feeling liked by someone else, and i concluded exactly this, that it has everything to do with someone being fascinated by my interests. i would say "like," not "love" .. which to me is more important anyway because it's a choice you make, where love is something i would define as a loyalty or a worry directed toward a family member or something, and it might have more to do with circumstance than choice.


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vetwithAS
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29 Dec 2010, 1:32 am

ManErg wrote:
And it makes initiating relationships even harder as I am in effect 'flying blind' all the time, with no idea what the other person feels about me. And as initiating and flirting is filled with hints and double meanings and (worst of all) subtle body language, it's no surprise that generally I have got it horribly wrong.

If other people (NT's?) *can* feel what another person feel towards them, it explains a lot of things that have mystified me. Such as the 'sparring and teasing' I've seen between people attracted to each other, where they verbally say negative things, but still end up together. If they can sense the others feelings, then this would explain it. The slightest negative comment towards me and I assume the other person dislikes me.


I have this same issue too. While I can usually tell whether her thoughts about me are positive or negative, I can NEVER tell if she's just nice to me or actually interested.



ediself
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29 Dec 2010, 6:11 am

Reading this thread is going to help me in all of my relationships, so thank you, OP.
I always assumed my mother was faking loving me and acting nice because she felt remorse for not loving her own child. I have had the same pattern of thought with my husband ever since we met: " well, when he finally wants to admit he doesn't love me, he will leave me, let's wait for it. " I actually wondered what he really wanted from me for a long time, but i thought, hey, i love him, so i will stay until he stops "saying" that he loves me....
This is very damaging thinking for my self esteem though. And for the relationship too, because i have SAID to him things like " come on, you know it's not true" when he said he loved me.
As a result i am always prepared for a break up, and he feels i am not emotionally involved in the relationship. I will try to see if i can work on this.



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29 Dec 2010, 7:14 am

Nope, not really.
I mean I can pick apart a situation in a relationship and work out the level of interest or "niceness" value, but I get nothing like others have described here along the lines of an intense warmth or compassion.
Only degrees of interest.


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kfisherx
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29 Dec 2010, 12:37 pm

I feel loved and appreciated by many, many people.



Malisha
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29 Dec 2010, 2:12 pm

I'm not sure what is meant by "feel loved".
I feel good when I am with my boyfriend. He makes me happy and excited, and interests me. I also feel this way towards some objects or events, though. Does it have to be different?
One thing I feel with him is a certain understanding. I feel that he accepts me and likes who I am, despite my "flaws". He thinks the things I do and say are interesting. He's one of the only people I have met who laughs at my jokes.
He is the only person I have felt comfortable with living day to day and actually talking about what really bothers me, and what really excites or interests me. He goes out of his way to do things that will please me. He pays attention to my interests and bases his actions accordingly.
When we were first together, I wondered if he only liked me because he was very lonely. I still wonder that sometimes.
But mostly i just like him a lot.



Kenjuudo
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29 Dec 2010, 3:08 pm

I may (or may not - who knows?) have a lot of emotions buried within me somewhere and maybe I even subconsciously share them (Even though I never actually talk about my own emotions). Who knows what I'm feeling is in fact emotions - or if the word "feeling" is in fact being used differently by people who are actually capable of feeling? I know I can't stand the thought of hurting anybody - people or other beings. Is that because of emotions?

I think I'm incapable of knowing whatever other people feel about me. Love, hate... You name it! I can't tell unless they very obviously show it or express it in words and right thereafter get themselves run over by a bus to prove their points. And not even that'll satisfy me... :cry:


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Cornflake
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29 Dec 2010, 3:44 pm

Kenjuudo wrote:
Who knows what I'm feeling is in fact emotions - or if the word "feeling" is in fact being used differently by people who are actually capable of feeling?

Hmm, that's a really good point.
If someone wore a badge saying "I'm loving you right now" then I might have something to work on - but they don't, of course.


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