I have a huge ego and emotional problem...

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I have aspergers and I don't know if it is the reason for some of the things that make me what I am or if I am simply a bad person but here it comes:

I am the most arrogant person on the planet, even if I don't voice things out I have this feeling of absolute superiority and I despise 99% of all the people that I meet. What makes it even worse is that I was born in an aristocratic family and have an IQ of 140 (Maybe it is higher now, that was when I was a kid).

I despise dumb people, I despise religious people (for me their beliefs in a God are the same as the old greeks believing in Zeus or Poseidon, I think it is just as silly.), I despise people who break dress codes, I despise people who don't talk to me with the 'proper' respect, I despise people who say things which shouldn't be said (For example saying "Pleased to meet you" is so middle class), I despise rich people who don't have any manners a.k.a. 'Nouveau Riches' or 'Bourgeois', I despise girls who behave like any man can get them, I despise vulgar people... And the list goes on.

I do realize that this is horrible and I feel like a terrible person. All I want to do is cry, I am so desperate because I feel like I am such a horrible mean person. In the past people treated me like a piece of dirt, after several years I realized that if you show people that they are inferior they give up and bow most of the time. I know how horrible this is but I don't know how to change.

I am also obscessed with appearance, I don't want to seem "inferior", and follow a certain etiquette by the letter, I dress only as is appropriate and I behave in the most gallant way I can yet when I am in the streets, or in the metro, or talking to an employee in some place I step aside for no one, I push people out of the way if they 'dare' be in my way and I make them feel as inferior as they are.

I wish to become a better person but I am this monster that I just described... I know I am a horrible person, sometimes it makes me so depressed that I want to die. I don't have any friends, and even less a girlfriend and I am 20.

People see me as a serious and boring person (No, I am never mean or rude with people that I know, only with strangers. I am always very polite with people that I know but too formal and too serious. The first and only time I had a date I just stood there, asked some questions about her but then I never asked her out again because I had asked all that I could ask and didn't know what to talk about...)

I don't know what to do... Why wasn't I born NeuroTypical and interesting... Sometimes I walk in the streets and random tears run down my eyes, for no apparent reason...

What is preventing you from changing your ways?

AS doesn't necessarily make you snooty. You aren't a 'monster' because of your neurology alone.

Neurotypicals aren't necessarily more or less interesting that we are. Seems the key to being 'interesting' is listening to what people say. Interested people are interesting.

You wouldn't want to know me. I'm just a dumb drummer, who's proud to be an aspie.

The problem started when I was little. I was being bullied and treated like dirt by everyone. I swore to myself that from now on I would become someone imposing who puts everyone back in place and it worked. It just turned me into a jerk. Now this feeling of superiority is so deep inside me I can try whatever I want I will still feel that "I am so superior". I sort of brainwashed myself. On the other hand this feeling if it is put in question by anything (i am very unsecure) makes me feel suicidal and depressed if I am put in a position where I am either humiliated or shown that I am not absolutely superior...

Perhaps you could try being magnanimous. You would still get to feel superior but you would make it a point to treat others well, without resentfulness or contempt. That might then make you feel better about yourself. It's only a halfway sort of measure, but it might be a start?

I don't know how to change..

Perhaps you have some form of borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies.
Or narcissistic personality disorder with borderline tendencies.

But perhaps, since you want to change, you can.

Realize that there are people out there who find as many faults with you as you do with others, because what is and isn't a fault is largely subjective.

For example...

You despise "stupid people" and yet to some, you might seem quite stupid, or at the very least, ignorant, and yet others may despise your lack of understanding to those who are not as intellectually inclined.

You have some concept of superiority and inferiority, but the context is not universal. What you consider inferior, others may not, what you consider superior, others may not.

I find it curious though that you both express a sense of superiority to others, and at the same time, experience a sense of inferiority as well.

I conclude that you despise most that which you most fear others will judge you as inferior for. I speculate that to overcome this, you need to learn to accept those traits that you feel are inferior, as non-inferior.

For example, on the issue of intelligence, few individuals are omnibus geniuses. Some people have very weak weak points as far as intellectual ability, but at the same time, very strong strong points. Others may be quite bright all around, but have difficulty expressing this for various reasons. You will find many individuals who have made large, positive impacts in this world actually did poorly in school for one reason or another.

And what if someone actually isn't very intelligent at all. Perhaps someone with Down's Syndrome and mild or moderate mental retardation? Is all a person has to contribute to the world in the form of how smart they are? If you think so, I imagine you wouldn't be a very happy person. Even though someone who is mildly or mentally ret*d as a result of Down's Syndrome might not contribute much in the way of groundbreaking discoveries, they contribute their humanity, and there is a lot to be said for that. Humanity, and human interactions, is the substance of life.

I believe I can offer tangible advice in this matter.

I, too, grew up in an upper class family. We had reputation in both name (my father's) and intellect (both parents). At an early age, I fell in love with a waiter. My parents were aghast, and yet their temporary dissolution of our relationship served a purpose: I learned poverty.

This was my greatest educator. I do not believe you can learn this tolerance without embracing the experience. The narcotic effect of romance made it easier for me. If you cannot replicate this, I would suggest a simple course of either self-righteous or image-friendly asceticism. Perhaps a year living "like the other half do,"or, if you are particularly ambitious, the Peace Corps, although I do not recommend such a thing unless you are ready to commit, particularly with the added detriments of an ASD.

That said, you will still allow your perceptions of the lesser to color judgments. That becomes an issue of learning to hide it, and it sounds like your mastery of such things exceeds your emotion. Learn to accept; you are young yet. Remember that acceptance does not imply equality or your own inferiority, but rather (as one previous poster mentioned), a magnanimous persona.

To embrace a baser demeanor . . . f**k, yes, I think I'm better. But that doesn't mean I'm better off? What a jest . . .

Good luck.

After reading your initial post, it is obvious you have very poor grammar skills. There are a considerable number of run-on sentences, misspellings, and an overall lack of cohesion to your sentence structures. Perhaps, if you embrace your considerable shortcomings in this one aspect of your intellect, it will make it easier for you to accept what you perceive to be as faults in others.

OP: my advice, of course, is to start training in Aikido. It will help calibrate you.

Maybe you've got what I used to have - a superiority complex compensating for an inferiority complex.

If that's the case, then many of your self-assessments would be weighted too much one way or the other. It's fairly straightforward work with a therapist - not unique to Asperger's.

I relate exactly to what you say, and I have changed 180 degrees. It was hard, because I was repeatedly surprised by inferior people, who turned out to show me something new, so I had to make the insight, that I had ignored the good things about them in the first place.

It is black and white thinking, like good vs bad / right vs wrong etc., and this thinking will be different dependent on the viewer, so these kinds of judgements are superfluous regarding science. Just look at it and see how people and their behaviours look like. There is no right and wrong etc., just an impression of "whatever", as long as they dont have evil intentions.

This "whatever" I regard as art.

We are actually thought from childhood to think black/white; e.g. that there are bad people vs good people, just look at any cartoon with a bad guy, where it is justified and right to fight that person by any means. Of course there is no such strict classification in reality. Nobody is intirely one thing or another. It all depends on single situations and changes every second.

People have e.g. thought me music which I never would have listened to earlier, and have broadened my view of many things.

The first change I made was to look beyond the appearance: e.g. businessman vs tramp; who cares?

At some point I stated for myself what I think is important:

Beneath the appearance:

-do they have positive intentions?
-how aware are they?
-how acceptant are they about that what differs from themselves?

Finally I dont measure this by right or wrong etc. I just make a statement based on the above questions, test people sometimes, if they can cross their limits, just to know what I have to deal with and because it interests me.
If we would meet, you would probably underestimate me instantly, because I have fun breaking any sheme I notice, eventually to discover how people think.

The only thing I cant get rid of is despising evilness, but also this goes for single situations. So Im there in the situation, and that would be all.

By the way: sometimes Im stupid and realize it afterwards

The human organism is just restricted to physical laws, so the expression intelligence is overestimated by my opinion. We are all in the same boat and everybody can learn anything thats possible for their brains.

There are always things I can learn to do better, and who can show me, if not another person with exactly those traits?

If I meet a person thats more intelligent than me in some field, I feel inferior; well I guess thats just in our nature because I experience it. Im trapped in this primitive world of strange matter and now Im dealing with it, knowing I didnt create it myself.

Eventually people suddenly can show me new aspects which I never would have known existed if I wouldnt look and listen. In those cases they are superior, if you want to classify it that way.

Welcome to the chaos