If I don't have AS...then how will I define myself?

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Have you ever asked them why they ask you? It would be interesting to find out the reason.

But one thing I can say is that promoting the idea that the autistic brain can be completely changed...

No, that's not what I meant.

I hope you don't think that I did that. Not at all what I was saying. Deep down change does not mean complete change, and is not meant to imply complete change.

In terms of a webpage or a facebook fan page advertising my services (I currently have both), I mention that I have Asperger's although I am very uncomfortable portraying myself in that fashion. Perhaps I should simply change it to "...was diagnosed at 7". What do you think?

i asure you that you will always be a autistic,its no saprise your symptons have decreased over time.autistics and aspies develop diferently than "nt'".all autistics become less autistic over time exept with childhood desinagrative disorder where development starts normal and becomes more autistic.you can see from donna williams books that she became less autistic as her life progressed over time of her multiple biography's.your going through the normal progresions all autistics go through

I have been avoiding this board for a while for the reasons below...I know I have some messages to respond to but more than anything I have to get the following off my chest first.

I need your honest opinions on this very tough subject.

I am going for a psychological re-evaluation soon. The reason is, simply put, that I need an updated diagnosis that refers to my current situation rather than a past one. Family, friends, and even myself no longer feel that a diagnosis of AS applies to me, and that the behaviours I display are more indicative of an anxiety disorder.

I am strongly against compartmenalizing myself by a narrowly defined label or using it to gauge my identity, and will use an updated diagnosis to do neither of those things. I am simply concerned as I am becoming well known for my speaking endeavours. Since 16, I have spoken at countless schools, sessions and conferences across the province about my supposed AS, and have even recently presented with Temple Grandin...so I have already established some pretty good ground for myself on the condition that I have AS. If I am no longer considered to have AS, how will this affect my future prospects with these presentations? My mom keeps telling me to emphasise the areas where I was a kid...even suggesting I show clips from old videos where I acted totally AS, which is a good idea. Still, I am concerned about how I should portray myself if people choose to delve further.

The things that now debilitate me are the bits and pieces left behind once I conquered AS. Due to bullying, rejection and misunderstandings of me over my childhood and teen years by nearly everyone who came into contact with me, I have serious issues with trusting people and the "real world". I feel angry at everyone and long for escape, suffering from anxiety, depression,, implusivity and even substance abuse. I'm a great role model, eh? I can't teach people to move forward and like themselves for who they are if I don't even like or take care of myself. The image of me as a successful speaker, although it exists, is a huge and horrible irony.

A part of me, however, wonders if I was even borderline AS from the start. My diagnosis letter, given at 7 when I demonstrated prominent AS characteristics, is interestingly worded. I was diagnosed by one of the leading specialists in my area at the time, and apparently he found it difficult to come to a consensus over what I had.

The letter reads:

"...I found it difficult to make a firm diagnosis on A. The best I could do was very tentatively diagnose her with Asperger Syndrome. The reason for this is that she has already made appreciable progress and I figure that in a years time she may not fit the criteria of AS. In my opinion, A. would do best with highly individualized programming in a small class setting. There should be an emphasis on developing her socializing skills, although I realize that this could be a slow and challenging process..."

Interestingly though, it took me until my last year of high school to gain the skills and confidence to overcome my AS-like behaviours...but I did it. My social skills are now fine...people have described me as outgoing, cheerful and friendly as I have been able to put on a "front" for people to make me likeable. Although I am by no means the life of the party, I can fit in...I am very socially savy, understand jokes and sarcasm and am able to talk about a wide variety of topics. I also am a very "feeling based" person. I am driven by my emotions and experience immense empathy.

As well, I no longer have any of the hallmarks of AS, such as preferences for sameness and routine and sensory issues...however, thinking back to when I was a kid and even a preteen, these things were definite issues with me. The only things I have that would suggest AS are my people obsessions and interests that are unusual in topic but not in scope or focus. (I keep these private rather than go on about them, and only my closest family and my best friend know of them).

As well, when I hear people on the spectrum talk about how they experience the world, I don`t relate to them AT ALL as the person I am today, but can DEFINITELY relate to them as I think back to myself as a six, eleven or even sixteen year old. This makes it hard for me to fit in to the autism community at large. I feel like I'm too socially skilled to fall into this category because when I do meet people on the spectrum I unfortunately pick them apart and analyse them for social mistakes...and I am not saying that these things make the person flawed in any way, but it is because I have been trained with a hypervigilance to see such things in myself. This is something I try to stop myself from doing but unconciously do anyway. It's unfair to me because I am a huge supporter of neurodiversity and when I do this I feel like I am lying to people in a way.

In short, I feel like AS was something that defined me when I was much younger. I read over experiences on the boards here and think...that was definitely me at 6 or 12. I'm a completely different person now, and the issues I have are with other things entirely.

I still speak in order to help people who have AS, as well as their families and support systems, but I don't do it because it applies to me. I want to keep helping people because I care for them, but I don't want to keep lying about who I am. Can anyone help me negotiate this? Any input is valued and truly appreciated.

Yes, but at the same time, it's possible to be misdiagnosed, and many people have been.

To me, this sounds like circular logic. How do we know she didn't have AS? Because she overcame it. How do we know people can't overcome AS? Apparently, because we retroactively define those who overcame it as not having AS.

If someone fit the criteria as a child, then they had it. Maybe a different variation of it than those who truly can't overcome it. But, still, just as real. Their later experiences don't change the past.

There's a lot of variability on the autistic spectrum. That includes which traits we can overcome, and to what extent.

People with true AS can't overcome it completely because their brains are wired differently. Why can't it be possible for a kid to be quirky and a little socially awkward without it instantly being Asperger's? Especially if she grew out of those traits later on. If you have Asperger's, it means that you have significant issues with social interaction, communication, obsessive interests, etc. and you will continue to have them, no matter how much you adapt. You'll have to memorize scripts in order to have a normal conversation, learn to control yourself when you feel a sensory overload, consciously read about or have to deduce nonverbal cues in order to learn them...you get the idea. You may learn to function normally, but you still wouldn't be confused with a shy NT.

There's a reason why AS is considered a disorder, not just a couple of odd traits that pretty much everyone in the population has (except for those super-extroverted NT's that this forum talks about). If a kid has some AS traits that vanish with time, then guess what? They never had AS. And if they're doing well now, there's no reason to think their Asperger's will suddenly come back to haunt them when they're 50.

I think I am just worried about the technicalities of everything. I try not to define myself with a label, but my career, speaking and mentoring fully depend on me having it, so I get concerned. Often I get questioned if I'm even autistic at all...people have even repeatedly questioned it on this forum. I would have to say that yes, I still do have significant impairments, but I no longer believe that AS could best summarize these impairments. I, however, believe that I would definitely qualify as being BAP as I have things that could definitely suggest AS, but I longer have the full picture of traits.

I didn't say that every kid that's quirky has Asperger's. I'm saying, Asperger's and autism are defined by the diagnostic criteria. If they fit them as a child, they had it as a child. You can't retroactively say, no, they didn't really have it, based on what happened latter. The black and white view that people with autism are "wired" differently and can't change their brains is NOT a part of the definition of autism. That's an opinion.

And "wired" is a metaphor. There's no wires in our brain. There's neurons. And those connections between neurons can and do change in adults.

Saying that only those who can't overcome their issues have autism doesn't magically make those who can overcome their issues not fit the diagnostic criteria.

Autism affects development, it doesn't halt it.

BAP is still part of the Autism Spectrum. If you qualify as being BAP then you are still on the Autism Spectrum. Therefore, you can still present yourself as being on the Autism Spectrum.

(BAP is Broader Autism Phenotype).