When tell my daughter she has aspergers?

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When is a good age to tell my daughter she has aspergers? She is 8 years old
and is currently going through some difficulties socially at school. This makes
her very angry by the time she comes home and so she takes it out on my wife and
myself. I just don't know if I explain to her why she behaves the way she does if it will
help her of hinder her. Any advice.

Luke

I found out when i was 8, well i was very involved in the whole process.

Only tell her if she asks. Because I used to research AS and think, "people with AS do this, I have AS, therefore I will start doing it" which could cause regressions in any progress.

I think you should let her know right now that it is at least possible. Here is a first draft of omething I was thinking of putting up about my life.



It is amazing how words have changed. A sanitarium used to be a place where people
could go to get rest, relax, a nice diet, and exercise. Today.it means a place where
crazy people are locked away. Gay used to mean happy or colorful. Today? Well, let's
not go there.

My point is simply that some words have changed so their primary focus is now what once
was only vaguely related! Please keep that in mind as you read more of this document.

Let's speak of autism. Wikipedia describes the history of autism as follows:

The word "autism" was first used in the English language by Swiss psychiatrist Eugene
Bleuler in a 1912 issue of the American Journal of Insanity. It comes from the Greek
word for "self," αυτος (autos). Bleuler used it to describe the schizophrenic's seeming
difficulty in connecting with other people.

However, the classification of autism did not occur until 1943 when psychiatrist Dr. Leo
Kanner of the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore reported on 11 child patients with
striking behavioral similarities and introduced the label "early infantile autism." He
suggested the term "autism" to describe the fact that the children seemed to lack interest
in other people. Kanner's first paper on the subject was published in a now defunct
journal The Nervous Child, and almost every characteristic he originally described is
still regarded as typical of the autistic spectrum of disorders.

At the same time, an Austrian scientist named Dr. Hans Asperger made similar observations,
although his name has since become attached to a different higher-functioning form of
autism known as Asperger's syndrome. Widespread recognition of Asperger's work was delayed
by World War II in Germany, and by his seminal paper not being translated into English for
almost 50 years. The majority of his work wasn't widely read until 1997.

Autism and Asperger's Syndrome are today listed in the DSM-IV-TR as two of the five
pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), which are also referred to as autism spectrum
disorders (ASD). All of these conditions are characterized by varying degrees of
deficiencies in communication skills and social interactions, along with restricted,
repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior.

Obviously, wikipedias definition shows a wide difference fro what most understand autism to
be. It is, however, correct.

Wikipedia describes autism as basically:

Autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder that manifests in delays of "social
interaction, language as used in social communication, or symbolic or imaginative play,"
with "onset prior to age 3 years," according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders. The ICD-10 also requires symptoms to be "manifest before the age of
three years." Autism is often not physiologically obvious, in that outward appearance may
not indicate a disorder, and diagnosis typically comes from a complete physical and
neurological evaluation. Some now speculate that autism is not a single condition but a
group of several distinct conditions that manifest in similar ways.


SOCIAL ABILITY

Clearly, this indicates that autism could vary, and have different causes, but it is
characterized by an early lack of social ability. They tend to lack the ability to see
certain flirtatious behavior, body language, etc...

Frankly, this is overblown! Sitcoms all over speak of problems "normal people" have. I
have been in social classes where I knew more than the teacher. The teacher was almost
always a divorced psychiatrist

I was once even accused of racism because I folded my arms. A survey of the general
population revealed people do this to rest their arms, just as I claimed.

Wikipedia indicates the characteristics as:

Individuals diagnosed with autism can vary greatly in skills and behaviors, and their
sensory system is quite different from that of other people. Certain stimulations, such
as sounds, lights, and touch, will often affect someone with autism differently than
someone without, and the degree to which the sensory system is affected can vary greatly
from one individual to another. On the surface, individuals who have autism are
physically indistinguishable from those without. Sometimes autism co-occurs with other
disorders, and in those cases outward differences may be apparent. Enlarged brain size
appears to accompany autism, but the effects of this are still unknown[6]

In assessing developmental delays, different physicians may not always arrive at the same
conclusions. Much of this is due to the somewhat vague diagnostic criteria for autism,
paired with an absence of objective diagnostic tests. Nevertheless, professionals within
pediatrics, child psychology, behavior analysis, and child development are always looking
for early indicators of autism in order to initiate treatment as early as possible for the
greatest benefit.

SKEWED SENSES

Again, this indicates that autism could vary but speaks of what I used to refer to as a
skewing of the senses. I may seem to hear as other people, but alarms, etc... are often
loud enough, or at such a frequency, that I will actually suffer pain. No wonder why some
people are still allowed to use the PA, etc... When I would just as soon lock them up for
torturing people. When a fire alarm went off a couple years ago, I was the ONLY one
outside holding my ears. I will also see lights blinking when others can't. When I
mentioned the flashing lights on an A319, they acted like they thought I was NUTS, and was
screaming or something. No wonder why airbus hasn't fixed their planes, and so many use
bad mercury or florescent lights. This ALSO explains why I reacted to cigarette smoke and
urea formaldehyde resin when nobody else seemed to. Decades later, both were declared bad.

SPATIAL ABILITY

There may be a deficiency or abboration in spatial akilla. This May help to lead to a lack
of interest in sports.

There may be a compulsive interest in some minor or obscure area. This can lead to the
person being a genius in that area of expertise. It is interesting to note that Einstein
was unknown and considered an idiot, but his unusual interest in light, time, and space
made him an expert, and famous. One wonders if he wasn't autistic!

My interests in various areas have ALSO made me the goto guy for many of these areas. It
is a good things too, because it makes up for my lack of knowledge in things like sports.

UNUSUAL MOVEMENTS

There may also be repetitive disorders. With ME, I may "Rock" sometimes. As I write this,
I am moving my upper body closer and farther to the monitor by about 5mm either way. Is
this unusual? Maybe not, I have seen perhaps 5% of adults do it from time to time. It can
be more common in kids. Still, it DOES seem to fit the pattern of stimming. BTW I, for one
, can stop at any time. I don't always do it. I don't think anyone has ever even really
noticed it.

SPEAKING PATTERNS

If an autistic person speaks, the speech may be pedantic and s/he may not quickly grasp
things like sarcasm or imagery. There may also seem to be a problem with determining the
right volume at which to speak. Speak may even have an arrogant tone.

I have tried to do different things. I even once intentionally changed the order of my
sentences to avoid people acting on what they THOUGHT they heard. As for volume, I do
tend to talk too loudly sometimes.

INTELLIGENCE!

How did this ever get in here? Kanner apparently never really mentioned it, but asperger
spoke of his "little professors"! Sometimes these interests are lifelong; in other cases,
they change at unpredictable intervals. In either case, there are normally one or two
interests at any given time. In pursuit of these interests, people with AS often manifest
extremely sophisticated reasoning, an almost obsessive focus, and a remarkably good memory
for trivial facts (occasionally even eidetic memory).[3][29] Hans Asperger called his
young patients "little professors" because he thought his patients had as comprehensive
and nuanced an understanding of their field of interest as university professors.

LEARNING CAPABILITY

This can vary all over the chart, and is the substance of legends! I had an excellent
memory until I was about 11. Even after, it has been pretty good. It turns out that
I can remember events or movies pretty well, and can even link things to them. A good
example is how a star trek episode spoke of a "Heisenburg compensator" needed for the
transporter. YEAH, I know! It is just sci-fi. Some would even call it science fantasy.
Yet, somehow, that piqued my interest! Guess what I found out? I bet you think this
idiot found nothing, huh? NOPE! I found a LOT! The "Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle"!

Basically, it states that an energy based matter transporter is impossible because it is
impossible to be certain how the energy will react. Without something to "compensate", the
star trek transporter can't exist! Interesting, huh?

Taken to the nth degree, this ALSO indicates that you can't adequately determine
intelligence because, like those electrons, your biases and inability to impartially
observe will affect the outcome!

So it is clear that many Aspergers, perhaps most Autistic, people CAN learn well.

O how have I changed since finding out?

Well, I ALWAYS wanted to get back more of the benefits. Who knows, maybe I can find an interest that will help cover up some of the problems. All in all, I feel I am better off. I wish I knew ten or twenty years ago!

Does this sound like some illness that should be cured?


Steve

I think if your daughter is wondering, why she is different from other kids, it might be good to tell her. Also explain to her, that alot of people might claim that it means she's not smart, or that she needs to be "cured". That those people, even if they are adults, don't know her and what she is capable of. They would rather see Aspies/Auties as a group rather than individuals, and that their need to claim things about a mass amount of people who they don't know is wrong.

However, I don't know really how to explain to her, about those curbies, who have a more severely affected Autie/Aspie child, and want a cure. I could see your daughter thinking, what is wrong with them wanting to help those more affected kids. So..maybe the cure issue might be something to discuss with her when she's older. I personally know I was more intelligent than most children my age when I was young, so maybe your daughter could understand a complex issue like the issues surrounding wanting to cure Autism/Asperger's Syndrome. I think it's best to leave it to your judgement.

I do think that it is important to explain to her about adults assuming negative things about her, because she's Aspie. Since she may end up in the special education system if she goes to public school. I already know the students are mean towards people from there, but what most parents don't realize is that the teachers of special ed children also can be extremely ignorant and demeaning towards the special ed students. I'm not saying that they're all like that, but I have had alot of trouble with special ed teachers going to school. I think the best thing is to let your daughter understand that just because they're adults, and are in charge of some sense of authority, that doesn't mean they have a right to belittle her or assume things of her.

If she's having a lot of trouble with school, it might be worth looking into home education. From what I've seen, if done carefully it can be a lot more beneficial for an aspie child than expecting them to try and cope with the school system, which isn't really geared to their needs.

Louise, I agree. However, if Lukey's daughter does go to a public school. I would want her daughter to be prepared, and understand if the teachers claim things are wrong with her, the teachers probaly are just ignorant and associating her with more affected spectrum children. Since they're usually not taught much about dealing with kids who are intelligent in some areas, and not good in others.

I agree compleetely, violet_yoshi. Sorry if it sounded like I was ignoring the other posters' comments - I do think that it's important for aspergic children to have self-esteem and to be aware of their capabilites and right to resect from others. I just figured that that had already been covered, so there was no need to re-state it. Although as said, I do agree, and whether she goes to school or not (regardless of the type of school) she'll need a sense of who she is, to know that she's not 'broken', and something of an idea of how to deal with prejudice or misunderstanding.

It might be a wise idea to wait a little bit longer, but don't wait too long (until high school or something like that). If you tell her, make sure you emphasize that it is a different way of thinking than most people think. The analogy that I use most often is an Apple computer in comparison to a PC (Windows) system. Nothing is inherently wrong with either of them, but they have their differences. (Or, for the older crowd, I tend to use the RPN/algebraic calculator analogy.)

Make sure that she knows that she can do anything that she sets her mind to. Don't hold her back just because she has AS and don't let the teachers at her school do that, either. Depending on the severity of her AS, it might be best to have her in a mainstream classroom (if she's in public school) with as few accomodations that she needs during the school day. This would help likely help lessen severity of teasing. It would also prepare her for entering a situation where special accomodations may not be as available. However, if special accomodations are necessary, they should be used.

Home education is also something to look into. However, the disadvantage of homeschooling is having an added difficulty in finding time to work on social skills with other kids. At a public (or private) school, children are thrust into being social or at least learning the social rules during classroom time and recess. At home, this interaction with other kids at or near their age may be limited, although there are several options for extracurricular activities and ways for homeschoolers (and other kids) to get involved and meet people.

My last thing to say is please don't wait until your daughter is in middle school or high school to tell her. The teenage years are difficult enough without having to deal with finding out about AS as it is.

My daughter felt very sad and depressed about friends and groups at school since she was five. It got worse this year, with lots of anxiety. I saw how she very much tried not to be different. I started talking about individuals, identity and so on to her. After some time I told her we are different (I have Asperger's too) and to make that nice and funny we made up Planet Sincerity and us being Sincerians. We talked about our planet sometimes, but one day, when she felt bad again and screamed that she didn't want to be different and that she did want to have a group to fit in, I mentioned it and she said: 'But that is not real.'. So I said that she was right, but that we are Aspergers and thát is real (that was some weeks ago, she is 8,9). I told her that Asperger's is some kind of autisme and that Aspergers often think, feel and see different from most other people. I explained the social problems to her like this: suppose all children in the playground are little magnetic balls. When you throw them apart, they immediatly start to roll towards each other again. They want it to be with each other all the time. You are magnetic too, but not only for the little balls. You are also magnetic for other objects around. So sometimes you don't move the same way the other balls do. And that causes confusion, collision, etc.. You're not wrong for being magnetic for other things too. It's more like a gift. But it may confuse other balls. And some balls may respond to that in an aggressive way, making you feel wrong. Which you aren't. You may want to take some distance from the balls and watch them. Maybe you can find one or two other balls like you. You recognize them by causing confusion and collision in the movements between the balls. Or you find them at a little distance from the rest. You may find friends amongst them.

Anyhow. It worked a little bit for my daughter. But she still doesn't like it very much. She doesn't really hate it, but she still isn't convinced about the good things. She very much wants to be 'normal'. Or to have a friend. She hasn't got a real good friend at school. The friends she had start to abuse her this schoolyear. They tease her with things she doesn't seem to understand as teasing. And they give her the least attractive roles in playing all the time. They dump her when she isn't needed anymore and they call her when they are alone or need her to do something. One classmate stood up for her last week. She asked one of my daughter's friends why she treated her like that and that she wasn't fair. I'm happy for that. My daughter said she does the things she doesn't like because otherwise she will have nobody to play with. And that, I think, is a dangerous attitude! I can tell her how she can be alone and have fun too, but she knows that. She doesn't want to be alone, because one shouldn't be alone in the playground, because then kids will come up to you asking why you are alone and what's wrong and that is worse than playing impopular roles in games, she thinks.

I can write a book about this.

I feel that my child is 'normal'. She is loyal, doesn't lie, has high standards and so on. The so-called normal kids aren't normal to me at all. They are more like little would-be psychopaths with their hurtfull social games.

Tell her now. Eight is a good age--old enough to understand; young enough to trust and believe you when you say she is a wonderful girl who has a lot of talents, and whom you love, and who is not "defective" in any way.

She probably already knows she is different; and the revelation that she has AS, rather than being unkind, stupid, unpopular, or whatever other labels they've stuck on her by now, may be a real relief.

And anyway, if you want to start formal social-skills instruction, so she can learn the "codes" to use when she needs them to communicate, it's better to start sooner than later, and really awkward to tiptoe around the word "Asperger" while putting her into such a class, or working with her on social skills yourself.

I totally agree. When I was 8, all I knew was that I was "different", "weird", "stupid" a "spazz" and all the other unkind names that get thrown at you in the playground. Knowing the reason culd be a real relief but you must impress on her that she doesn't use it as an excuse, particularly to anyone goving her trouble, or they could just use it as more ammunition with which to make hurtful remarks, or used by the group to exclude her further.



Absolutely> she will need to be told sokmetime. so i would tell her now. Do you really want her to have a difficult time, lose self-esteem because of whatever people tell her, and then run the risk of her hating you for not telling her, which, if nothing else, might make her feel better? Yes, there's a risk that she might take on other aspie traits that she doesn't naturally have but then again, she may not-especially if she has your guidence.

I sure as hell wish I'd known I had AS at eight.

JulieArticuno

My son is 8 and I haven't told him yet. He knows he goes to the "brain doctor" (the neurologist) and the "talking doctor" (autism specialist). I think he'd handle it okay, but I also think it would just go right over his head. I'm going to bring it up at our next appt with the autism specialist. I guess it depends on your child and how mature you feel they are.

I remember when I was little how I went to 'the talk place'. Turns out it was a psychiatrist! I didn't mind one bit, and the AS flew over my head as well. I think it's a good thing, because when I got reminded of it again later as I came to my 16th birthday, I was like 'Oooh! So THAT'S why!'.

Maybe it could help us to know if this is a good time if we know what she having trouble with.

(You don't have to specific either)

I have to tell you. I once was in an accident where the car was TOTALLED! The driver was KILLED! When I woke up, I ASKED where the driver was! I mentioned I thought he was dead. They told me he was simply in another ambulance. That made NO sense! They CONSTANTLY lied to me. They FINALLY, several years later, admitted that he died that day. They claimed I was lied to because my FATHER thought it best. They STILL claim they knew where I was, even though I was temporarily in a place orphans would be. Nothing of that time makes sense. I DO wish that they let me know he died. It would have simply been a release. I was never emotional about such things, and I did heavily suspect, so hiding it made no sense.

If I found out that my potential was IGNORED ON PURPOSE, and that deficits were HIDDEN from me so I tried things I could know would fail, etc... I would be pretty angry. 8 IS a good age! Old enough to understand and act, and young enough to probably come out nearly as good as she ever could. I wish I knew that early! ALSO, at 8, it will probably be better accepted NOT because she is more trusting, but because she can inspect her life and say OH WOW, THAT'S why!! !! ! It could be a BIG relief for her! Please don't deny her that.

Steve