The Technology of Social Interaction

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Many on this web site report that they are inept, awkward, and just plain clumsy when it comes to the social graces. Here are a couple of paragraphs from a book called "Survival Games Personalities Play," by Dr. Eve Delunas (ISBN 0-931104-35-1). Please note: In the context of the book, "NT" does not mean "neurotypical." Instead, it's the designation for Carl Jung's iNtuitive Thinking personality types. The upper-case "N" is used for the "iNtuitive" because the upper-case "I" is used for "Introverted," another common trait of many on WP. The term "Rational" is used by Dr. David Keirsey <http://keirsey.com/> to designate the four NT types, which he estimates comprise 5-12% of the general population.

geezer

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Teaching the Technology of Social Interaction
by Dr. Eve Delunas

Many introverted Rationals who are employing survival tactics lack basic social skills. These clients frequently report that they find small talk painful, and they often unwittingly turn others off with their serious-looking exterior alone. To cloak their own discomfort, these NTs may play the game of That's Illogical, in which they first interrogate, and then discount their conversational partners with comments like, "That's a really stupid idea." If they are playing the game of Super-Intellectual, they may also appear cold and unfeeling, and take every opportunity to lecture about very complicated subjects that turn their listeners off. These Rationals are not trying to be offensive -- and often, they cannot understand why others seem to avoid them. They simply do not know how to talk to people of other types without affronting them.

A good way to motivate Robot players to learn and practice alternative social skills is to talk about those behaviors in a language that the Rational type finds appealing. Since NTs are often attracted to science and technology, they usually respond with great interest and enthusiasm when they are offered the opportunity to acquire the "tools" that are associated with the "technology of social interaction." These tools -- smiling, using a person's name, asking open-ended questions, listening for free information, offering free information, active listening, giving compliments -- may be rehearsed in the counselor's office, and then practiced as homework. It is important to keep any homework assignments small, so that clients can safely carry them out and begin to experience some little successes. For example, in [one case a client] was asked to smile just three times a day. The immediate and very positive response that he received from co-workers is not uncommon when INTs begin to smile. One handsome twenty-three-year-old INTJ who claimed to have difficulty meeting young women left the session and began to practice smiling at people right away. Within two hours a very attractive young woman he had seen, but never spoken to, had asked him out on a date.

It is very important for Rationals to learn to be redundant when it comes to saying positive things to family and associates. Since most NTs feel silly repeating themselves and stating the obvious, the are inclined to offer much-needed compliments or expressions of affection far too infrequently. Rationals are likely to assume that the absence of negative comments is enough to let others know they have positive feelings about a given relationship. Too often, the spouses, children, and employees of Rationals come to feel unloved, unappreciated, or inadequate because they have falsely misinterpreted the NTs' silence as a bad sign.

No offense, but I'd recommend not using this website to plug your book.

Sounds like a psychoanalytical or possibly psychometric approach to autism.

Very interesting though.

The approach is both psychoanalytical and psychometric, but the word "autism" does not appear in the book. It's about the compensatory and pathological adaptations normal NTs (in the Jungian sense) make to extreme stress. I thought the selection was interesting because it offers a veritable shopping list for those who want to improve their social skills.

g

Thanks, that sounds like good advice, I'm bookmarking this page.

I basically see developing social skills as being done through memorization: Memorize different expressions and cues, step by step. Probably no different from memorizing algebraic formulas, the dates of various events, or the names of locations on a world map.

Maybe but you knowing an algebraic formula perfectly and then applying it to a
word problem that you do not know needs it is alot more complex than memorizing.
I means the formula must be know in a mathmathical logical center of your brain.
Usually for the average none math whiz it means many practicing problems. Same
way you learn to play a musical instrument. Now I have known I had at the very lease social phobia since I looked it up in sciencetific journals at TAMU in 1991. And I know from practise that its quite hard to put social skills into an area of ones brain that
typical handles social cognition. A guy who I was friends with with a pysh degree
explained I had very few social social skills and I did infact live in a "box" before college rarely saying one word to anyone. My hand/arms/body gestures were so odd my first room mate asked what was wrong with me. I was shocked. Another friend said I try to un-impress people.

What I'm saying is learning social skills and knowing what they are or two different things. My opinion only time helps. The only problem with that is I'm 15-20 years behide my peers. I when on my first date at 34.

I think some of social interaction can be learnt and applied in this way, a logical and memorising way.

I think NT deal with these formulas intuitively, without knowing or understanding them (like catching a ball without knowing the equations of motion). Aspies have to learn these and apply these manually. It’s a good thing Aspies have highly analytical minds because these formulas are really complicated.

However for an Aspie, there is an important difference between an algebraic formula and social interaction; you can only analyse, memorise and apply, if you can actually see the data.

I think the data gathering is more important than the figuring out what to do with it.

Example: One of my friends was sad and had I known I would have asked what was wrong, and done what I could. However I did not know. I didn’t pick up all the little body language signals and facial expressions which were trying to tell me my friend was sad.

Thoughts anyone?

Hey guys...

Do you think you’re over intellectualizing just a bit here? It’s not about gathering and analyzing data, memorizing rules or applying math to social situations. It’s about doing simple things like smiling. Try this: Smile three times during the next 24 hours at three different people. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to know them. Just smile and keep on doing whatever you were doing. See what happens. (I predict that the *least* that will happen is that you’ll get a smile back. Watch for it!)

g

Not possible ^_^

And thats the common misunderstanding.

Youve got your cause and effect backwards.

Our problems dont stem from overanalysis we utilize intelligence to compensate for the lack of those social instincts neurotypicals take for granted.

So as Xuin says "not possible".

Its like telling a person with no arms swimming in a pool "dont you think your kicking your feet too fast?".

As for smiling. Sure. Tell us exactly which facial muscles to contract to perform a convincing smile first though

Our problem is not that we cant make friends its that we are just completely different and it freaks people out. We can fake it like you suggest and "trick" them into being our friend but it doesnt take long for them to realize we're not quite right.

Generally I think most of us hate having to fake who we are and feel guilty about tricking people into thinking we're like them though.

I was in my 20's before I realized I did not have a smile on my face when I thought
I did. I think from people telling me so. So I come off as much more negative making a joke with no smile on my face.

Sure I can give a real big involuntary smile if I am very happy, amused, laughing , etc. Thats another thing a fake smile does not look like a real smile. Even aspies
notice that so it must be much easier for NT's. We had a past thread talking about
one of the good looking ladies on the Myth Busters TV show. She did not look as
pretty in some still shots for a magazine. A number of aspies noticed she was giving
a fake smile(different set of muscles) for the photo shoot.

I allready have to use non-involuntary control methods to make sure I am standing
up straight while in public. Knowing when to add a few fake smiles I'm sure will just
add to the anxiety I have while in public.