I quit my full-time IT career 8 years ago because of this and much as my current financial situation demands that returning to it would be the logical thing to do, I know that doing so would likely finish me off.
Molecular_Biologist wrote:
However as I get older, I am realizing how intractable my social problems really are.
This is basically it.
I was very successful in all the IT-related things I worked with but as my responsibilities became broader and my involvement became more significant to the continuing operation of some large systems, the expected managerial abilities simply didn't materialize.
I wanted to continue working under the hood but I was required to run the whole show, and my efforts at faking this became impossible to sustain. I was caving in rapidly and my embarrassing breakdowns and tears were becoming a talking point amongst others - almost to the point of being fired.
So I spent some years after ending it pretty much in a comatose state - just 'existing' and treading water while eating through my savings. This was before I had any idea about AS and for most of the time I was on anti-depressants. Yeah, like
they helped.
But now I know what's going on and
why things happened the way they did, I'm much less bothered by it and feel more content for knowing; more able to accept it instead of beating myself up about it.
I still have no social life whatever - never did, really - but I'm not fussed about forcing myself into difficult situations I won't be able to handle in a pointless effort at finding one, and even if I
did find one I'd only break it.
So am I appearing 'more autistic' as a result? Heh, quite probably but despite the daily difficulties I feel much better for not having to pretend it's any other way.
Colour me "burned, but extinguished just in time".
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Giraffe: a ruminant with a view.