I forbid my son to stim - am I bad?

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My son is 8 years old. He has some Asperger's traits, including stimming (hand flapping and tiptoeing). He does this in school during certain lessons and at home when he is supposed to be doing his homework. He rarely stim during his free time (he rather reads or draws or ....).

I forbid him to stim because (a) his classmates thinks he is wierd (b) he he doesn't know what's happening in school (c) he can't finish his homework.

I am NT and do not understand the need to stim. So I scold/punish him when he comes home from school clueless and whenever I see him stimming.

Like all mothers, I want to do what is good for my son. I think if he stop stimming, he would be more socially accepted and get better grades. Am I wrong or doing him more harm than good? Any advice is appreciated.

I think people do it because it relieves anxiety. I don't really think you should force him to stop, it might affect his happiness.

Perhaps you could encourage him to control it a bit or something?

Perhaps he doesn't stim during his 'free time' because he is not under much pressure at those times. When he is feeling stressed or over-stimulated (even if he is not conciously aware of it) it may calm him to stim.

If his stims are along the same lines as mine were as a child (and still now to a lesser extent) he may not even be overtly aware that he is doing it. In that case forbidding him to stim would be akin to forbidding him to breathe in.

Without wanting to sound too pessimistic there are probably a whole host of little things that mark him out as different from his classmates, so he may not 'fit in' any better even if you did suceed in preventing him stimming.

Perhaps his problems in school lessons are not just beacuse of him stimming. Maybe he has issues regarding noise levels, or the lighting in the classroom. He may have difficulty working out which parts of what his teacher are saying are most important or be very easily distracted by other things in the room. There are so many possibilities.

"he may not even be overtly aware that he is doing it"
- I think he may be aware because he will stop immediately when he sees/hears me coming.

May I ask how old are you and can you control when to stim?

His psychologist said the stim will go away when he gets older but from what I read in this forum, it doesn't, right?

I'm 23 with a three-year-old daughter (who has no traits of AS at all). I can pretty much control my stims now (sort of wait until I get home, or back to the car) but as a child I would become aware that I was doing something without having been conscious of it. I am very poor at explaining what I mean but I am trying!

Even now, from time to time I will do something 'in public' without meaning to (like tapping my middle finger and thumb together).

Perhaps if your boy is aware enough of what he is doing it may help to tone it down when around other people but if it becomes a big issue and he feels constantly under pressure to be aware of his actions it may prove counter-productive. These are just my thoughts, I have no real experience to speak from other than my own.

I agree with what Hale_bopp and Unique have said. Stimming can be a way to reduce anxiety. For me, it also helps me to focus. If your son feels the need to stim, it may not be because he is stimming that he is not aware of what is going on. It may be because he is already "drifting away," and he is using the stimming to bring himself back. This is something I tend to need to do. It is sort of like "recharging batteries."

I do not do anything that I think is too obvious, anyway, as far as stimming (though you say toe-walking is obvious, I guess others might notice I do this, then). For the most part, I tend to press my body against things, or I wiggle my fingers a lot, or I stare at different patterns of light. Perhaps you can encourage your son to find a less obvious way of stimming, so that atleast it will not look quite as "odd" to his classmates. As far as the not paying attention in school, try to find out what it is that is overwhelming him, and perhaps speak to the teacher. If he needs extra help, make sure it is offered, and maybe have the teacher write down assignments and such to be sure your son gets them.

Also, if your son does have Asperger's, it may not just be a case of stimming and zoning out that makes him feel "clueless." Sometimes it is difficult to understand what other people mean by their words, or even difficult to make out the words they are saying. It is possible your son is paying complete attention, or trying to, but just does not understand the way his teacher has explained things.

I am 23 and in college and still when I am anxious I find myself rocking a bit and nodding in those situations (happened just last night, hehe). Because of the sensory problems, stimming helps to focus those more. I would have a very hard time if I were not allowed to stim. Sometimes though, if I know I absolutley cannot stim I go completely still, almost frozen-like, and tense my muscles to their fullest. But this I do not recommend. It wears me out.

But nor do I recommend for you to make your son stop stimming. This is just part of Aspergers. BUT you and he can instead work on focusing those more obvious stims into less obvious ones. For instance, instead of hand-flapping he can maybe move his legs or feet beneath the desk or even move his hands beneath the desk where they are less noticeable. Redirecting to a less "weird" stim would probably be your best bet. (I had heard this from Dr. John M. Ortiz who began and now runs the Asperger Institute in Pennsylvania when I went to his seminar on AS/HFA/NLD.)

So yes, there are ways to work with your child and he will still seem pretty weird I'm sure after perhaps refocusing his stims but that I think is the nature of AS in an NT world. As he ages he will probably gain more control over his stims, but this can be a first step to help him do that.

Many thanks for the replies. I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. Because he is getting older, I feel bad about scolding/punishing him. At the end of each day, I have to do a lot of "relationship damage control".
But I am also worried that if I "approve" stimming, he will spend even more time stimming. Will he?

I think it's a matter just of what he needs to do, not what he wants to do. Stimming may help him improve his focus overall. I guess all you can do is monitor him to make sure he is getting everything done that he needs to do, as far as homework and such goes.

My main stim was hand-flapping as a kid. I would do it to concentrate on fantasy scenarios, like being a jousting knight or a famous rock star. I would stim physically while mentally fantasizing as a means of escape. I was aware that this behavior was not socially acceptable and would hide it. As I grew older I recognized the need to stop and I joined the Navy to put myself in a situation where I would have to self-discipline against such behavior. I still drum my fingers a bit and other less noticible "mini" stims, but I haven't hand-flapped in over 25 years now.

I must say, while stimming as a child, I could really get my imagination going into a richly detailed woven tapestry of fanasy scenarios, vividly picturing amazingly intricate and awesome stuff...and it provided comfort, but it was also a source of shame.

Just sharing my experience, hoping it helps with yours.

I stoke my chin like a cartoon villan, but thats more a habit now

I tap my foot and/or my fingers..... twirl my hair occasionally......

And technically I eat mints if that can be counted as stimming.

The other folks above covered my
statement I would have written.
Take their advice soundly. I am HFA,
they are AS, we all stim because it is
a neutral space. I do it at work,
they do it at work, and this will also
apply to school.

Being autistic spectrumed and it's
affects are lifelong, it is the coping skills
we learn as children,
and young-mid ranged adults that make
the solid difference. Learn from us,
and do your homework. You can either
Make him a expressionless, and angry
teen(that is bad!!), or allow him to
learn constructive coping skills for his
later developing gifts.

Keep a open mind, and god-bless!

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

Last edited by Ghosthunter on 06 May 2005, 12:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I just started hand flapping not more then a year ago. When I am sitting I also put my leg on tiptoe mode and start to shake.

What is the official definition of "Stimming"?

I wouldn't say that you are bad, you only want the best for your son.

Stimming can be very important for us, it helps relieve stress, helps us cope and feel in control and feel calm. My dad tried from an early age to stop me from stimming with my blanket, and at 32 (and with 5 kids of my own now) I still do it. Nothing else makes me feel as secure as that blanket! He would even come along while I was sleeping and move the blanket, and come back 5 minutes later to find me at it again, in my sleep.

I have a lot of stims, and they change. Stopping one usually only starts a different one. I hand flap, but I hold my hands down by my sides so it isn't as obvious. I also like to click metal clips (like the kind people use for keys) but this wouldn't be good for school.

What I would suggest is to talk about this with him, and try to come up with a stim that soothes him but isn't as noticeable. The stores have items such a squishy fabric balls with an interesting texture, they are for squeezing for stress relief. This might work, and he could put it in his pocket. You would want to tell his teachers so it wouldn't be taken away from him.

You said you thought he was aware of it because he would stop when he saw/heard you coming. this could be that your presence/approach makes him realise what he's doing.

I, for instance, tap my fingers and snap them sometimes. My mum hates it. I'm not aware that I'm doing it until something happens that makes me aware of it. Usually my mum's approach makes me aware and I stop.

It could be the same for him.

What is it REALLY hurting for him to stim?

Is it causing him physical damage?

Is it causing real physical harm to others?

Why not focus on the big stuff instead? Trying to constantly force your child away from doing what comes perfectly naturally is a great way to shame him into having no self esteem.

I am a 25 year old professional, and do a bit of stimming. I rock in my chair, pace, spin things, etc etc etc. Does it make me quirky? certainly. Has it impaired my job, my success, or anything else? NO. What it does is allow me to cope with the stresses of working at a modern job. When it comes up (which happens rarely) my response is to acknowledge it "Yes, I rock in my chair sometimes", and move on. It doesn't need to be some deep dark secret, and I don't need to feel ashamed for doing it.