I'm not sure how to deal with this...

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A friends told me they have aspergers. Thouh we have been friends for years, it does explain a lot but not how I feel about them. Lately, when I try empathise with them, they push me away saying that I can't understand what its like for them. I know this is true but I want to try. I'm scared of losing them by saying or doing the wrong thing. I know there still the same person but they've become so tempremental I don't know what to do. This is hard becaus eI feel like I'm classifying my friend. I was wondering if anyone would like to give me advice on what to do, like should I give them space and persist to let them know I care? Sorry Thanks.

well, whats his temperment? mines ,more or less,pretty mild and my friends fefues to stop. if u r making him angery or uncomfortable back off for a whil(dont stop being his friend, i mean stop pushing) if not keep trying and c. also, be patient...please?!

Hi RaggyDoll,

Has your friend only just found out he/she has Asperger's? Maybe it is taking a little time for them to get used to the idea.
Have you started to act differently around them, for example being more serious when you used to be jokey? I think I'd say, just be how you used to be with them and if he/she wants to bring up the subject, leave it to them. At least your friend knows you are willing to listen if they want to talk. Yes, give them a little space, but let them know you're there.
It might be helping them to know you're supportive, even if they don't feel like talking about it at the moment.
Your friend is very lucky to have a friend who cares enough about them to ask at a forum.

We empathize (and receive empathy) differently than most NTs (neurotypicals).
So, when you say you try to empathize, you may be saying and doing things that your friend finds abberrant. Saying things like, "I do that too!" "Everybody goes through that!" "You're not that different" may sound accepting to you but for people who ARE different, they feel dismissive of real problems and issues.
My friend kept saying that about my son when I explained his social issues. She always had an answer and I felt she was shutting me down.

A lot of us don't like emotional language either.

The fact that you're here and asking questions says a lot and I hope you are able to stay friends. I wish I knew more understanding people.

Perhaps in empathising with this person you are unknowingly making a statement that it is something to be empathised with - ie/ a problem. This parson may be perfectly happy with themselves and not see their AS as something bad, which you are trying to make it.

just act like you normally would...

This whole thing came up with my girlfriend of four months (first relationship in 7yrs!) just last night. Here's what we both got out of it (far as I can tell).

For me, the only requirement of a friend is a willingness to believe me when I don't understand something. That is, that I'm not "pulling" some underhanded, manipulative scheme, or trying to cop out of something I've done. I genuinely am experiencing ignorance, and need them to step back and break it down for me. That I really *am* trying.

From there, I only ask the person to be willing to meet me halfway. For me, it's all about words; I have to take an idea apart, label each piece, understand how it all connects, and then verbalize it. I try very hard to only do this ONCE for each new experience of that kind of situation, since it is quite draining for most NTs. For others, it's usually actions, body language - stuff that's very hard for me. I'm constantly accused of "pantomiming" my "humanity." It takes a lot for an NT to accept I just do it differently.

If they'll meet me halfway by giving me the chance to learn and understand what, to them, I should just "know," (and they are then more patient and understanding with these behaviors) then I'll meet them halfway by increasing my awareness of such things and self-correcting every time I catch it. I then only ask that THEY understand my primary means of communication, and put more of what they see and feel into WORDS. It's SO MUCH easier for me to take on the task of understanding THEM when I feel they're not trying to turn ME into THEM.

So basically, the only real requirement, in my opinion, of any relationship, is a willingness to understand, respect, and mutually accommodate one another's differences WITHOUT value judgments ON said differences. We all have faults, flaws, whatever. We all have to deal, one way or the other.

When BOTH sides take responsibility, take action, you have a beautiful relationship.

Remember, it's not where you start, but where you end. Talk it out, admit your feelings. In admitting a desire to be understanding to them, ask for understanding FROM them, too.

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Well...

Some beautiful points you've made.

"When BOTH sides take responsibility, take action, you have a beautiful relationship.

Remember, it's not where you start, but where you end. Talk it out, admit your feelings. In admitting a desire to be understanding to them, ask for understanding FROM them, too. "

This is very true, however... Most often if one side simply can't understand another, meaning my passion for music is often called a lie, when to me its the only way I can relate.. I need to know someones opinions on a song more important than whether I'm "hot" but 9 times out of 10 we simply can't break such a gap..

I find something about this VERY interesting:

Socialising drains me and most people with aspergers, because we have to force understanding and analyse each aspect to make sense.

Thinking drains MOST nts, simply just thinking seems to drain them after an hour or so, which means living the way I live, ends up pushing every girlfriend I've had too far.

If I was to work with a woman who didn't understand this difference, I would simply have to be away from her 6 days a week, or repress myself till I explode, neither one is the standard definition of relationship, but I guess that doesn't matter now.

I love through trying to inspire, many others seem to love by being inspired. This equation really should work, but ultimately I have to satisfy myself first, I'm the type of person that will keep pushing and helping a person just so they can keep up with me, then I'm totally drained so I can't keep up with them socially or emotionally I'm simply too extreme for them to understand.

All this means is, yes some of work well closely with another, but some of us work best alone, some of us might not even want to be with someone till after their 20s..

I've tried to avoid generalisations, these are just observations based on my experiences.

Scintillate, I really appreciate your kind words. This is all very new to me, and it explains a great deal. You're right that some people don't "get it." Depending on on the person and how close I want to be, I usually say "I don't need you to understand it, only that you respect it - that it is incredibly REAL and very important to me."

Also, I drain EVERY person I meet if we get into "deep conversation" (my favorite, most energizing activity!). I can SO relate.

I do have one thing, though. In the Autism section, I posted the following under the heading "How do I get diagnosed for AS?":

"I really need to know if I just lived a life that left me with AS symptoms and I just need to have more experiences, or if my AS is what has encouraged me to live my life as I have up until now.

This is very IMPORTANT. My psychologist dismisses the idea that I'm AS, and tells me I'm grasping for a neurosis to explain everything.

Depending on which it is, I have quite a bit of work ahead of me. I don't want to excuse my behavior, but I *desperately* need to understand what the F**K is going on!"


I just want some answers.

Either answer is fine with me, I just want something to *work* with...

you're friend has been recently told. well from what i can imagine of what id feel if i found on later in life id say he is going through a stage of coming to terms with it. you people with out AS which is me having a go just stateing a fact. you see in a colour of the world where we see the black and white picture so to speak. you will not and cannot understand because your mind thinks in more than ours, you see a person squaring up to another in the street and call the police. we think what is going on. try and watch the situation. we think blantatly. brah. you're mate sounds like his upset because he feels like no one will understand him. tell him about this site get him to talk to people who know a bit about how he is thinking. you just need to be patient as well. give him time.
i know it is probably very hard but you must be tolerant.

brother devil