Why not be more social?

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The reason isn't fear for me. I have a lot of overload problems, and socializing is one of the easiest ways to do it.

Socialising is exhausting because I have to keep control over what I say if I know it isn’t appropriate but I still find myself saying things I shouldn’t or misinterpreting what someone said. I don’t even understand why people say and do the things they do. My brain interprets the world in a completely different way. I even think my motivations for talking to someone in the first place is different from theirs. I’m all about learning new information, usually facts, and then passing that knowledge onto others. Even when people get annoyed at me for correcting them I see it as more enlightening them. I even exaggerate tone of voice and facial expressions and do a bit of exaggerating on my own. So the signal the body is trying to send is often misinterpreted on both sides. Another issue is that I sort of get stuck in my own mind and think that I’m right, even to the point of arguing with someone when I don’t notice it. To me arguing involves having some form of anger; an energy building and building up within you and it becomes hard to control, so hard in fact that when I do argue it is not in any clear or concise way. It’s more yelling, lashing out or instinctual stiffening up to show a sort of submission. Socialising is also exhausting because I have to take care of my appearance and at times, my hygiene.

I can also at times fail to pick up sarcasm. This leaves me a lot of the time becoming confused or easily insulted. There are times when I do become insulted easily by what people say because I have high morals and I don’t really like the collective opinions of most people. Sure everyone has their own opinion but there’s always a pattern to it. There is a sense of what is cool and what is not. People know who they should look upon as weird and reject them or at least treat them as inferior. While not everyone is like that it’s hard to separate those people from the masses that are like that. This leaves me with little desire left to socialise.

Socialising to me is a confusing, an exhausting and at times a humiliating experience. It’s confusing because I really fail to understand the motivations of others; why they say and do the things they do. I’m not very good with knowing what people are thinking. Now you might think everybody is like that but while people can’t actually read minds they do have an idea about the thoughts and feelings of others through the use of non verbal body language. Recently I became aware that others feel pain just like I do but maybe for different reasons. At times I can often forget this too. I also don’t notice or understand body language, despite my many attempts to learn it. It just doesn’t sink in for me. And instead of no longer having a lack of understanding for facial expressions and tone of voice, I exaggerate it. Or maybe people really do get that angry with me and just deny it? I have no idea.

It’s exhausting because I have some knowledge about what is appropriate to say and that I should take care of my appearance and hygiene when around others. Since being able to talk to people more I also found that I’m impulsive and very opinionated. There is a constant battle going inside of my head when I talk to people because I’m trying to hold back the things that I want to say but that may not be necessary for the conversation. That pretty much involves every thought I have. Sometimes if not most times I would like to say more than just a few easy phrases I’ve memorised that are supposed to keep a conversation going but there’s always a moment when that falters and I’m left with a blank mind. Dressing appropriately is also exhausting. I barely dress up anymore. I just wear what I usually wear as long as it’s clean and I make sure I smell ok. That sound likes an obvious thing to make sure of but for an autistic it’s really something we struggle with.

The humiliating part is probably when I get corrected from my lack of knowledge both in a social sense and general one. I’m an intelligent person, I know that but there are still some things I’ve either forgotten or have never needed to learn up until that moment. Lately it’s not bothered me too much; after all, I love to learn. Another thing that is humiliating is that when my symptoms keep popping up unexpectedly especially after a time where I thought I was finally overcoming them. These can be anything from short memory slips, taking things literally/ not picking up on sarcasm, staring at ceilings, stimming (repetitive movements), having my routines and other peculiarities pointed out to me to being made to feel inferior by people. I’ve now got an arrogant air about myself where anyone who dares call me stupid will have their own ignorance pointed out to them. Or I say stupidity doesn’t exist because it is most often used as an insult to say to people when criticising their lack of knowledge in one minor area which has no reflection on their overall intelligence. Yeah, sometimes I can understand why people find me annoying.

There are also other issues like having moments of thinking I’m always right. It’s like a trance I am in. I usually think of it as having my mind in a higher plane of existence or in another dimension. The only thing that seems to bring me back down to this reality is when someone yells at me. Somehow I’ve been arguing with them the whole time and haven’t even noticed it. Although being yelled at for something you are not even aware about is hard to deal with.

I also find socialising frustrating, not just in the real world but online too. I find people can just become annoying for one reason or another, usually when they complain about little things or seem too conformist to me. And I’m not saying that to sound cool – why would I anyway? I do not seek to please others by altering my personality to suit their needs. I’m a natural non-conformist, meaning I don’t even have to try to be different from people. It’s not just the fact that I’m different but dislike it when people seem similar to one another, either by dressing the same or speaking the same way. I also dislike this internet culture that glorifies laziness and mocks intellectualism.

Another thing that annoys me is that there are people who don’t understand my symptoms or think I’m making a big deal over nothing. I have hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli which has exacerbated overtime from the use of medication. I have extreme photo sensitivity especially around flashing lights, though flickering shadows are just as bad. I have noise sensitivity and the tinnitus and hyperacusis is not helping. Many people with autism also have sensory processing disorder which means they have difficulty blocking out noise and other senses. See naturally the brain can choose what sensory information to focus on and then mute everything else. Such is not the case in autism or in other people with sensory processing disorder.

Then there are people that try to stop me from having meltdowns. People think anyone that gets angry over what seems like little things are just overreacting, when really it’s about a lack of emotional control and that the trigger for such meltdowns have nothing to do with the real reason. My state of mind never stays the same throughout the day and it has nothing to do with becoming happy/sad/angry. I refer to these as periods of being: hyperactive (lack of focus/too much energy/ impulsive), inattentive (lacking energy for focus and motivation), having a sudden behavioural switch (usually angry for an unknown reason – not related to meltdowns – more of a physiological disturbance in the brain caused by too many neurotransmitters firing at once), sensory/ emotional meltdown, regressive (stress becomes too much so I revert to acting like a child) and balanced (medicated form). So it is a little bit frustrating living with my brain at certain times.

When I do socialise more I cannot spend as much time on my special interests and my routines get disrupted and when I return to them I begin to feel uncomfortable and confused. I’m a chronic non-multi-tasker meaning I do things not just one at a time, but can only focus on one thing for a couple days to a week, depending on what it is. To be focused on socialising I have to be focused on that and nothing else. That doesn’t leave me with a whole lot to talk about. These days I will be more focused on a special interest even when around other people and like it or not those people are going to hear about it. They have the choice between me not talking to them at all or me talking to them about something that might not interest them but is means the absolute world to me. People need to understand that my dominate special interest isn’t just something I have as a hobby but it’s something that is for a short period the most important thing to me. Saying anything that is remotely criticising it is taken as an insult. It’s something that I spend the most time on, know the most about and am constantly thinking about when not spending time on it. For example my current special interest is Stargate. I watch between 3-5 episodes a day – 7 has been my record. I collect the merchandise and display them on my shelf like trophies. I think about my own episodes in my head (in such vivid detail it’s like watching it on TV) and I mimic the characters involuntarily. In fact having the voice in my head just like Dr. Daniel Jackson makes it easier for me to read and write. It also makes me pronounce certain words and explain things that I would usually stumble over.

Fear of being bullied??