self injurious behavior?

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willow
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21 Nov 2006, 8:15 pm

DrowningMedusa wrote:

Ummm... warning: this is not a post for the faint of heart.

Scab picking, scratching till you bleed, ripping nails / cuticles till you bleed, ripping off chunks of foot callous till they bleed (yes I am full of scabs and scars, ew, gross I know) - I do these things almost without noticing... just a kind of comfort thing, I guess... it's very weird.

When i was a teenager I would cut my arm a bit when I was very frustrated ith my parents but that only lasted a year or two. It's the other forms of self injury I seem to have a problem with...

When I have a meltdown, I can be very dangerous to myself... It's like I explode and lose all sense of my own body all I want is to feel physically what I feel inside but CAN'T... so I've punched a few walls / doors, skinning my knuckles in the process. Once (this past April) I even cut open my forehead banging it against a counter in a total loss of self control, a fit of rage and confusion... five stitches to the forehead is not an easy thing to lie about. Especially when you're as bad a liar as I am.

I want it to stop, though. Not the little stuff, that I don't care; there are LOTS of nail-biters in the world - but the injuring-while-freaking-out, that has to stop. I only wish I knew how.

I don't have an answer...but I feel like I can understand some of your feeling and wanted to say that you have a passenger. I don't really like hugging...but *mental hug*

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DelicateCatastrophe
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Joined: 22 Aug 2006
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21 Nov 2006, 10:23 pm

krex wrote:

DelicateCatastrophe wrote:

willow wrote:

(you know like when your foot falls asleep..it feels..fat..and far away...sometimes *I* start to feel like that. like maybe I'm not really here all the way.) when that happens I try to distract myself.

That's dissociation. I get it too, and have always linked it to having Borderline Personality Disorder. This is also what I assumed was the cause of my SI behaviors (scratching with a razor or needle, hitting myself.) I have been able to get it pretty under control now, though. I still get triggered to the edge of doing it sometimes, and get the feeling like you described. I have learned that it WILL go away without the harm.

I dont know you at all...but have you considered that many of the traits(including self-harm and dissociation)could actually be explained more acurately with AS?I was DX "border-line" order-line once....in 1990,before AS DX was in manual and did some reading about it before and since finding out about AS.I really think that many of the BPD "symptoms" are caused by AS traits...obsessions,sensery-over load,useinf chemicals to over come social phobia...just a thought.

Thanks for the reply! I actually have considered this recently. I linked my behaviors with BPD over 5 years ago, and only to AS these past few months, so I have to look into it more. I have heard of people going from a BPD to an AS diagnosis rather than both.

I do think some of my behaviors are probably related to AS that I originally thought were BPD, but I still have enough BPD traits that I most likely have both, but I'm not sure. I have a very unstable sense of self and fears of abandonment, and my symptoms tend to attack mostly my interpersonal relationships.

I have heard that ADD and BPD are extremely linked, and that untreated ADD in childhood (what I went through) can lead to BPD... The interesting thing is that ADD and AS are also so closely linked. It's all very interesting.

DelicateCatastrophe
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21 Nov 2006, 10:27 pm

scrulie wrote:

I totally agree! I was diagnosed with BPD four years ago and it seemed to make some sense. But since learning about AS I can see that AS accounts for a lot of things that BPD didn't - the kinds of things you've mentioned.

Also BPD tends to include sexual jealousy, which has never been a problem for me. People with BPD are often promiscuous, too, whereas I'm the opposite, if anything! I could go on. Some of the behaviours may look the same, but the motivations are completely different!

The BPD diagnosis, for me, would still fit in that I have a lot of problems with jealousy (thought not like when I was a teenager!) and, while I don't sleep around, I do use sexual acts within relationships in ways that are dysfunctional, even if I don't realize it at the time.

DelicateCatastrophe
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21 Nov 2006, 10:30 pm

Aspie94 wrote:

Does biting your fingernails and the cuticles around them until they bleed count? If so, I've done that since I was little and have no intention of stopping. It calms me down.

I dont' believe any of the "personality disorders" will hold up over time. In the US, many doctors now treat BPD with meds for bipolar disorder, with good results. I got the BPD dx. too and I thought, "Baloney." I never really believed it existed. I'm not much a believer in psycology. AS behavior was often mistaken for various "mental illnesses" before they knew what AS was. All of it is just theory anyways. I'm not a fan of theory. Show me the facts.

I can understand your reservation towards personality disorders, but I'd say it's the name that needs changing, not the diagnosis. BPD is really nothing like Bipolar, with the exception of a few specific symptoms (the highs and lows and related factors such as risky behaviors.) BPD is believed to be a seizure disorder, with a better name being Dyslimbia, or Emotional Regulation Disorder, since it effects the brains ability to control emotions. Brains scans show these differences (the facts you asked for.) The Dx may have been bad for you, but for me, finding out what BPD was made my whole world light up with understanding.

unknown12
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27 Nov 2006, 12:20 am

I have for some reason in the last year been self hurtful!! ! I cut myself whenever I feel outraged. upset, down... I dont' know why but I just get mad I guess at mysef, people around me and everything around me lol... ...

devilmaster2001
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27 Nov 2006, 2:57 am

hey brahs and sisters. i did some reserch into self harm and it is to cause yourself harm non accidentally. so all your slapping walls cutting and all that is self harm. has anyone been to see a councellour. i go to the councellour and shes helped me a lot. i find paintballing helps me to not do this kind of stuff. try it.

unite the siblings

brother devil

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michael barley
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we few, we happy few, we band of brothers for he who sheds his blood with me is my brother.

Scintillate
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27 Nov 2006, 3:23 am

Hmmn..

I bang my head into walls when extremely stressed.

I used to cut myself helps, can't really do it anymore.

I used to try end it all, I feel like doing this right now actually.. but one quote continues to jump into my head and prevents me from doing it..

Sounds weird but "killing yourself is a big "f*ck you* to everyone and everything"

That always stops me, and makes me think, what can I do!?

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unknown12
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27 Nov 2006, 7:27 am

Yeah that is a GREAT quote And very true.. Sometimes I just get soooo mad and frustrated I do cut myself, punch something... It just for some reason makes me feel better :oops: You know you're freaking out, screaming and then you hit something and it's almost instantly gone ... Not the best way to handle things but it works right now..

devilmaster2001
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 20 Nov 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 74
Location: 1879, zulu wars in the 80th drunk as a skunk.

27 Nov 2006, 8:36 am

i have thought of it many a time suicide but it is not the way i want to meet the almighty. id rather die in a fight like a man. i don't want to die just to tell people to look at me. i want to tell the world im here to stay so f£%k you. im going to live and do well for myself and as many people as it likes can stand in my way and i will fight.

for we shall not lay down. we shall not fall like those before us. we shall stand, stand for what it is to be as and win what we deserve a good and happy life. for many men lay down their lives for our freedom and i do not wish them to have died in vein.

there is no honour in death without meaning. so live happy, live well brothers and sisters. there is only 80 years for us on the planet so lets enjoy them,

brother devil

_________________
michael barley
80th regiment of foot.

we few, we happy few, we band of brothers for he who sheds his blood with me is my brother.

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