Being fake

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It puzzles me in how after my diagnosis, I seem to do alright when it comes to being polite and engaging in everyday social interactions...it almost feels natural: "Hi, how are you?" when I see someone, "I'm so sorry" when someone says something sad, "Oh wow" when someone excitedly tells me something...etc. There's a bunch of different phrases I use for different settings. I have this inner voice that says, "Ok, widen your eyes and look surprised" or "You're talking to much. Ask them a question". It works because a lot of people I interact with on a regular basis (work/school) say I'm just the sweetest girl. Bleh.

I'm wondering if maybe its because of how I was raised. I grew up in a Southern Baptist household and being kind and thinking of others were very important lessons to learn. I can still here my mom chiding me, "...and how do you think that makes him/her feel?". In addition to all the rigid rules of conduct, appearances where everything in church. You must always act like a christian and be happy. I didn't do such a good job as a teen and those years were extremely painful. I was singled out as the rebel child by my peers and adults alike. I was always alone, but I preferred it. All that fake niceness really freaked me out.

But maybe that fake-ness wasn't such a bad thing for me. I think all those rules and restrictions might have actually helped me survive in the world as an adult. I can be feeling horribly sad or depressed, but as soon as a stranger walks in, I can straighten up, politely say hello and then excuse myself before running away to a bathroom or my room...wherever. They're none the wiser that anything is wrong. This might be the reason that everyone outside the family and my roommate who has learned of my diagnosis adamantly denies it. Thoughts?

I am also from a rigidly polite family. Behind closed doors they were horrible to each other. (sarcasm, swearing, lots of arguing) As I grew up I didn't know how to be authentic with anyone, and still have a hard time naming my own emotions. I have had a few psychiatrists who don't see anything but "standard issue" depression and neuroses. I worked so hard at getting them to like me that it took several months for them to see the authentic me. I've been trying to talk to my current therapist about getting an ASD diagnosis, but she just doesn't see what I'm talking about. To my detriment, I have become quite a skilled actor.

Your mother was being rude by chiding you for being rude.

I believe you're right that your rigid Christian Baptist upbringing has helped you to react to people in socially acceptable ways; the downside is, naturally, that you might have trouble expressing your emotions when you need to, in ways that aren't destructive.

When I was your age, I was still pretty socially awkward. I tried going along with all the "hi-how-are-you-I'm-fine-how-are-you" crap, but half the time people would respond by making fun of my tone. What I am about to say might sound like advice from one of the bodysnatchers, but I grew to be more sincere and convincing with it, on a surface level anyway. When people say s**t like that, they really only mean it on a surface level. That's what drove me nuts for a while. They didn't really want to know how sh***y I thought my life was, or the gory details about my life's problems i.e. they didn't want to be dumped on, which nobody does. What I found hard was growing a thick skin and becoming comfortable in it; also, listening to other's problems without letting them dump on me so as to encourage more reciprocal, long-lasting relationships with others.

You remind me of a bitter pill that I and a lot of Asperger people seem to swallow; that's that when you "normalize", the NTs don't come up and shake your hand and pat you on the back (not that I'd really want that). Now you're *expected* to behave normally *all the time*. Now people don't get to find out what a freakshow you can really be until weeks, months, years have gone by! Then, over time, one by one, those who weren't familiar with your past, "abnormal" self quietly say their goodbyes, leaving you wondering what you did wrong. That's your reward for pulling it off. Isn't that fantastic?

Self-awareness and self-knowledge have helped me immensely. Also, a like-minded, sympathetic support system, even if it's just a couple of friends. It's great that you realize how fake the social aspects of your upbringing could be, and you could probably benefit a lot from building on that and comparing newer social scenarios and people with what you've already learned. Also, so much of the surface social stuff is fake that--I don't want to make you paranoid, but here it goes--people might just be politely turning a blind eye to you rushing to the washroom and know full well that you're breaking down in tears. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If they care, they'll try to help you, even if it's just some tiny gesture like asking if you're all right. If they don't, they're not worth thinking about anyway.

Believe me, I know what this is like. There are only a couple of people who truly know that I'm more fragile and in need of help than I appear to be. But I'm not made of bone china, I have a life and responsibilities, and not a day goes by when I still don't have to let go of what people think of me in some way or other. Good luck, I hope this helps.

Sorry, I think I just posted a mini-meltdown. Hope it was entertaining!

I almost hate using fake niceness to meet new people, but it's the only way I can talk to other people until a true relationship has formed.

Although, I have had some luck with using dry comedy to kind of loosen up tense social situations, but then again, comedy is a special interest of mine and some aspie's may not have the same comedic experience I have.

I have the fake niceness. I didn't have a painfully strict upbringing but at four different times in my life staring when I was 5 and a half and ending in high school I was enrolled in social skills training groups where they explicitly teach you to do those things. I say the exact phrases you mentioned , OP! I say "wow" as a :listening noise...........sometimes I'll say "really?" and I say "I'm so sorry" or "thank you so much" way too often . People make fun of me for being too polite.........and I'm a Canadian....were a county of too polite people!

Some of these phrases I got from imitating people who were actually later annoyed with me for "stealing" their expressions and listening noises ! So I'm fake in that way as well...............I don't have "my own" ways of reacting to people in conversations....I copy others!

I also have people who adamantly deny my diagnosis when I tell them and then I do something really weird like talking to one person for 3 full minutes while looking at another person and then they say something along the lines of "maybe you really are autistic" ............... or I say something really rude (say something bluntly and offend them.....this is when they start having a real conversation with me.....not just small talk) and then they just think I'm a ...............well.........rhythms with twitch..............

Ooh ooh I know this one, "b***h"!