Robotic consoling

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My girlfriend's cat had to be bought in to the vet today, with laboured breathing and impaired movement. Tests indicate a congestive heart malfunction, and the vet suggested she put the cat to sleep. Treatment would be expensive, require surgery, and still be unlikely to alleviate the suffering.

My attempt at consoling her was terrible. After every thing I said, I tried to imagine how it would sound to someone else.

Her: They want me to put down my cat!
Me: [thinking of all the animals I've had, some of which needed to be put down, and trying to extrapolate a good instance]...
Her: I love her!
Me: [still thinking of which animal most clearly illustrates the difficulty one faces when confronted with this decision] That's... terrible... awful.

Cue the next few minutes of me telling her, without much sign of emotion, about the various animals I have had which needed to be put down, and the ones which were not put down fast enough and suffered more than they needed to, and describing how in each case the decision was difficult and full of misery each way.

Me: You have to decide at what point you are letting the animal suffer just because you refuse to suffer yourself. It's different for everyone. It doesn't make you evil, it just means that you are actually thinking of matters of life and death and utilitarian ethics which are never easy. As in Ray Bradbury's story, we are one of the first generations whose first experience with death is through the loss of our pet rather than 8 of our other siblings. Your morality is probably being faced with its first great problem, if you have never before had to deal with these moral issues. All you can do is be the most merciful in the greatest possible scope... [the entire time thinking "I sound like a f*****g robot! Say something empathic and actually consoling! Don't accuse her of... oh my god, you did accuse her indirectly of letting her animal suffer because of being selfish! Stop speaking. Stop speaking and act like people normally do when consoling someone. Say a mindless platitude."]

I did a terrible job of consoling her, and sounded like an unfeeling robot. I know it, but at this point in my life I can't bother trying to act otherwise.

I asked my NT sister to call her, and offer her consolation. Then I went off and vomited a bit out of anxiety and stress at being so terrible at the seemingly simple process of indicating to a person you care about, that you care about their suffering.

I told her "I just vomited out of anxiety. I feel horrible about being so bad at consoling you. I do care even though I may seem robotic and aloof. My sister should do a better job, plus she has more recently than I have had to have a 18-year old childhood dog put down."

How well do other aspies do at conveying sympathy in matters of life and death?

Do you also find these conversations to be full of self-derogatory feelings as your inner monologue screams "DON'T BE SPOCK. SAY A PLATITUDE. SAY SOMETHING MEANINGLESS IN THE RIGHT TONE OF VOICE. DAMN IT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING UP UTILITARIAN CALCULUS." ?

Also: does it ever help to try what I did, and let the other know explicitly how hard it is to show our sympathy?

I don't think you did as bad as you think you did.

After one of my cats died, I went on and on about it to my PDD-NOS friend and he quietly listened, and when he finally did say something he said "It's never going to get better, you're always going to feel like that."

I suppose most people would have had a massive issue with such a response but I took a momentary break from my grief to to think "God, he really is horrible at this." and then let it slide because I knew he was far more traumatized by pet deaths, and death in general, than me.

Anyway, being she is your girlfriend, you could have possibly taken her by the hand and hugged her. Possibly asked the vet some questions pertinent to making the decision to do the surgery or put the cat down, at some point tell your girlfriend you're sorry, and send her a sympathy card and some flowers.

If you are absolutely horrible at consoling people on death and such, sympathy cards are usually a good way to go.

If it were a neighbor telling you they have/had to put a pet down, generally an "I'm sorry. I had to put my (whatever) down once so I know how it is." Usually suffices.

Consoling people is so awkward. I feel like I should care, but I just want to get back to happy or intellectually stimulating conversation topics.

I never know what to say, so I tend to say nothing, and then feel terrible while I watch other people who seem to know exactly what to say, and wonder if they think I don't care.

i totally suck at consoling people. it is better if i am not even around a grieving person, than to make matters worse by opening my mouth, despite my best intentions.

I think the best I've done is "so... what do you want me to do about it?"

OMG you don't know how many times I've done that and got into trouble. People would rant to me about all their troubles, I cut them off and ask if there's anything I can do. If they say no then I ask them to talk about something else. If I have a choice I'd rather not waste time talking about things that can't be helped.

Not too long ago my mom was discussing with me about something distressing, and burst into tears. I think I actually behaved much better than usual really. I sat there and didn't say anything or do anything. After a while I seemed to have remembered and patted her shoulder a bit. Then I went on to talk about it's not so bad, even the worst case is still not too bad. I don't think it comforted her at all.

I once tried consoling a friend about breaking up with his girlfriend by telling him that it was simply caused by his lack of options. Not even I cling to girls if I have multiple good options. It's a trick your brain chemistry plays on you. "No, no dude, you don't understand...I loved this girl" Uhh, no you didn't, she was the only cute intelligent girl at your work and you haven't been meeting girls elsewhere, it's your mind playing tricks on you. Come on, I'm familiar with clinginess.

A few months ago, my aunt was having a breakdown about an upcoming surgery. Since I was the only person nearby, she started crying and ranting about it to me, My thought process was something like this:

Should I say something? But what? I have absolutely no experience with this type of surgery. Crap, why am I the only person in hearing range? Where did my girlfriend go? Should I leave and go get her to deal with this? Etc...

Apparently, this took long enough for my aunt to wind down without my having said anything. I had just stood next to her and appeared to listen, which was apparently exactly the right thing to do. I learned a valuable lesson in consoling that day.

This is how I generally respond, too. If I'm being talked to specifically, I say "I'm sorry" and move on.

I stoically say 'I'm sorry to hear that' and then move on.

I always feel awkward because I hate being dishonest, but saying 'bummer' or 'too bad' is not a good option.

Very very VERY unfortunately I'm good at that stuff. Well, at faking it effectively that is. If you're not good at that stuff, you may find yourself wondering "But why would that possibly be a bad thing?", and the answer is that people will cling to their new understanding listener like a drowning man to a lifeboat. Which isn't a bad thing if you're a lifeboat. If you're a lifeboat that's your sole reason for existing. But when you're a person and you'd really like to focus on the task at hand rather than listen to everyone's feelings...

It's like building yourself the understanding caring mask to make your Frankenstein monster less likely to be killed, only you've lost control of it and while you should in a proper universe be getting hunted by an angry mob you are now being sought out by the needy mob that needs someone to talk to and getting nearly hugged to death.

Update: she had the cat put to sleep yesterday.

I dug the grave for her in her back yard.

Oddly, she and her grandmother both said that my lack of platitudes and meaningless cliches was both refreshing and inspiring. They enjoyed that I was actually trying to help them come to terms with the decision made, rather than utter pre-programmed syllables.

"That is the best way I ever heard someone describe it" and "I like that you actually thought about this" were spoken.

One thing that bothered the holy hell out of me. This was the first time I had ever met her grandmother or mother. Both of them greeted me with "It's very nice to see you."

My response: "...Me... too? That's weird. It shouldn't be nice to see me under these circumstances."

I've never understood why someone would greet a person like that during a tragedy. It's like asking someone who has just been cut out of a car accident "how are you?"

Saying something like that disturbs me, and makes it completely impossible for me to respond properly.

This may be too late to be helpful, but here it is anyways.

I always feel awkward too. I sometimes end up saying that everything I can think of to say seems inadequate. I think that helps convey that I care even though I don't have a good consoling response.

This is one major issue for myself, as well. With most people I simply stay silent, try not to stare, (because I usually don't understand the display of emotions and accidentally observe and study it) and wait until it is over (though I don't recall instances of people actually coming to me to be consoled, this is just in the circumstances of which I happened to be nearby a family member or acquaintances who became upset.)
It is even worse when it is a child that needs consoled. When I was a child, I didn't display these emotions and told people to please leave me alone instead of fussing over an injury or whatnot, so it is difficult to know what to do. It happened today....my sister had a tooth kicked out of her mouth and I had to remind myself repeatedly that logical reasoning and going into explanations about blood flow does not comfort them.

I'm actually very good at making people feel better. I try everything that I can do to make the other person feel better and that person appreciates my efforts. I love helping others in any way that I can and that helps the other person and it helps me as well.