Tone of voice?

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For a suspected Aspie, one who has trouble with social cues, I seem to have a hypersensitivity to people's tone of voice. There is some controversy over whether I am correct. Some therapists tell me that yes, people in my life are being subtly abusive when they speak to me in a condescending way as if I'm four years old, or when they ever-so-slightly snap at me after I've asked an innocent question. The fact that they deny it later is just a form of gaslighting. Other people (usually the ones accused of doing that) insist that it was my imagination, that they weren't speaking to me in any disrespectful way at all. It's just me twisting things around, again. (They put a definite "you're crazy" spin on the again, too.)

My husband is also a suspected Aspie. He, on the other hand, has no concept of tone. He hears loud and soft, that's it. This makes him far less likely to have his feelings hurt over something somebody said to him. Unless they are screaming at him, he can't tell whether they said it though clenched teeth, or with rolled eyes. If he could, I don't think he'd know what those clenched teeth and rolled eyes signify. Interestingly, he has had difficulty learning that certain words are offensive and should not be said. The reason it was so hard for him is that he does not hear the subtle, disapproving snideness in a person's voice when they mention "those (racial slur) people." The worst aspect of it, at least for me, is that he doesn't hear how he sounds to other people. Customers can complain that he was rude and abrupt, and he doesn't understand. But I have observed him at work, and I understand perfectly. He doesn't mean to be, but he can definitely come off that way. If I am offended by something he said, he will defend his choice of words even after I tell him it was the sharp tone of voice that hurt me, not the words. He will respond with a mystified, "There *was* no tone of voice." Although he admits he has been told, "watch your tone of voice" all his life, he does not understand why people say this to him if he wasn't even yelling.

Where on the "tone of voice" sensitivity scale do you place yourself?

I am mostly quite good with tone of voice. Much better than I am with other things such as body language and subtle facial expressions. There are some tones of voice I mistake for others that sound similar, but mostly I pick more up from what someone is saying and the way they are saying then I do by watching them.

I am hypersensitive to tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. One of the main reasons I thought I couldn't possibly be an Aspie. Still not sure what to make of this.

I voted "basic emotions".

I'm fine when it comes to basic things like frustration, happiness, sadness and things like that, but I can be very hit-or-miss when it comes to subtle tones.

I didn't choose because none of them apply to me. I hear different tones in peoples voices, but I cannot interpret those tones meaningfully.

I can pick up basic emotions, and occasionally more subtle things. I was an abused child though, so I think eventually part of me learned a bit more about reading people simply because it helped me survive.

I can pick up on how they raise their voice and lower it but other than that I have a hard time with it. I may not realize someone is being sarcastic because I can't tell by their tone or realize they are getting frustrated with me. I go by words. If they go "I just told you" "What did I just say?" I then know I am making them frustrated.

And sometimes I think people are mad at me when they are not because I read their tone wrong. If they say they aren't mad and say what their intentions are, I believe them and quit think they're mad.

Just to confirm my suspicions, I ran a little test on my husband. The joke, on a television show, was that a character said something, and another character answered, "I don't like the sound of that." So the first character said the same thing he'd said before, in an entirely different tone. Presumably, so it would "sound" different the second time, ha ha.

I asked my husband if he could tell the difference in the two times the actor said the same line, and hubby said that he could only hear that the actor had said it louder the second time.

That reminds me of the time when I was in high school. I was in therapy and my shrink did two different tones of voices and they sounded the same to my ears. He said that was part of my AS because I couldn't detect the different tone.