Difficulties with boundaries

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I learned this today at my autism group and I wasn't sure what it was. I learned it's saying too much and I asked if this was also having difficulty with boundaries. I asked Roger Meyers that in the past I have been told to mind my own business when I try and socialize so I gave up and he said that was one of them.

I remember I upset one person for asking too many "personal questions" when I was trying to get to know her and keep the conversation going between us but I think that was mostly her with the issues but I don't know if I may have done something wrong but that doesn't matter because that person was crazy and a troll it turned out. Besides I heard people want people to ask them questions about themselves anyway and that's what I was doing anyway so maybe I didn't do anything wrong so I don't give myself a benefit of a doubt thinking I asked too much or asked the wrong things and went overboard.

I also don't say much because I am afraid of getting the other person upset.

I have also been told I ask too many questions but say I am a very curious person, curios like a child. If I feel very comfortable with someone, I will be myself more and talk more and ask more knowing I won't upset them. Plus being at Babycenter, I have learned what topics are no no since women are so critical in them such as breast feeding or using formula so they may take my question asking the wrong way. I think that place improved my social skills even more and TOM.

But who knows, maybe those people were just jerks or didn't like me so they didn't want my company so they told me 'none of your business" and I didn't do anything wrong after all. But it sure made me give up is all and don't see the point in socializing if this is what I am going to get. I prefer family since they don't treat me this way.

Anyone else have difficulties with boundaries?

I have problems with personal boundaries. I asked an overweight woman who goes to my clubhouse when her due date was, years ago. It turned out that she was 48 at the time.

Something that's interesting: boundaries are not absolute. I mean, they vary from culture to culture. What's too personal to ask in one culture is just fine and even bonds the two people sharing the stuff in another.

I remember the first time I realized I did things wrong, in college. Before then I had taken the "go overboard being innocuous and non-interfering" approach but I started actually trying to socialize actively and here's a piece of feedback I got: I routinely walked up to a group of my housemates who were talking and asked "What are you guys talking about?" and someone gently told me "That kind of stops the conversation in its tracks. People don't want to have to repeat everything they just said, or if it was something private they don't want to share with more people, it's just awkward." I sat there crying for an hour when she told me this, it was so shocking that I had been doing it wrong.

Then I thought: well it's only wrong in this dormitory culture. In a culture where there are fewer secrets and everyone is very close and sure to include others, that would not be taboo. I'm just being too idealistic and trying to apply a familial/tight-knit tribal culture to a group of unrelated, sometimes cliqueish late adolescents/young adults.

Anyway. Yeah. I just decided to continue being idealistic. If I'm in a group and someone comes up, I'm gonna tell them what we were talking about, so I'd want the same of others. Whatever.

It has been called to my attention that there is a finite amount of information people typically care to learn about a subject during the course of casual conversation. And the limit of this finiteness perplexes me because too little always seems too little and too much always seems insufficient.

oh heck yes!! Man this is probably one of the biggest things for me..... I stopped trying a long time ago. Trying to figure out how to act normal requires way to much stress..... ohhhh if only there was a way to accurately display frustration in text form.... grrrness

This is quite interesting. I always assumed boundaries were physical and I'm very mindful of not overstepping physical boundaries but I never even stopped to consider conversational ones.

One of my tactics in conversations is to ask questions and I've wondered if I was incessantly irritating by doing so. I could be overstepping boundaries on multiple levels. My problem is my mind runs away with me and often my mouth is faster than my thought.

Mostly I err on the side of not asking, if I don't feel reasonably sure that I've got permission to ask about something or other. I think questions from NTs tend to be more "socialised" questions, i.e. they're at least partly designed to make you feel interesting, and they know what the standard "name, rank and serial number" questions are.....I hardly ever ask about people's jobs, family, etc......I always imagine they'll tell me if it's that important. It reminds me of trying to make a complaint to a bureaucrat - I want to cut to the chase and talk about putting my problem right, while they want me to tell them my name, address, age, all those boring things I've cranked out so many times before.

I can do the social questions to some extent, but even when I'm relaxed it doesn't come easy, and it feels more like eye contact - I can do it but I tend to forget. And I don't respond well to that inner feeling that says "I really should ask a question or two now" - like when I perform songs, I can't just think of one out of the blue, I want to go away and ponder the matter, and write a list of the best ones.

It's a lot more natural for me to ask questions as if I were a child, i.e. out of pure, genuine curiosity. But I know people have these boundaries, so a lot of it doesn't get asked. Sometimes when I've been with somebody for a while, we'll go into a state where if feels safer to inquire more deeply.....often it'll be based on some previous remark they made to me, where they've volunteered something that's usually on the "probably taboo" list, which will suggest that I may have permission to probe further. Unfortunately that's all too rare, and mostly I just feel that I don't have permission, if there's any doubt.

A lot depends on the person you're speaking to too. For example, when I was at school, there was a girl who was ridiculed even more than me. I'm a very caring person (or at least I was until it got knocked out of me), so I tried to be nice to her. I was her only friend during her 5 years at high school. It was approaching Mother's Day and I knew she stayed with her mum and her aunt. I asked her if she's bought anything for her mum and aunt yet. She didn't answer. The next day, she said to me 'I told my Mum what you asked yesterday and she said that I'd to tell you not to be so nosey'. Anyway, the years have passed and I've found out that she has a mental illness with severe paranoia. I hadn't crossed any boundaries at all, she was just suspicious of my motives.

Yeah some people do have boundary issues about themselves it's not you with the problem, it's them. I have seen some posts here by members who have said they don't like people asking them questions about themselves. Now how to communicate with an autistic?

Yeah I have this exact same problem. I tend to ask people a lot of questions because I love to getting information. Besides whenever I dont know what to talk about with someone, I commonly default to question asking. So I tend to ask a lot of intrusive questions and not know that it was inappropriete to ask it. And I also commonly have say things are inappropriete by accident. For me, I just learned what topics are not appropriete to talk about and stay away from them. Sometimes I literally hold my tongue from saying something on the tip of my tongue.

Maybe lessen the questions, work with a psych or your autism group to come up with a list of taboo topics that you should stay away from in different situations. Then you have more of a clear and concise idea what to stay away from. I think thats what aspies need, a list of taboo topics for different situations.

I remember at my job training, someone there said "You ask too many questions" and I said "it's how I socialize" and he said "Well socializing is bad, they hang you in some countries for it."

I don't know if he was serious or bullshitting or being sarcastic. I had wondered if he was aspie too because he said socializing is bad.

It's not really what you ask that is the problem, but who you ask it to, when you ask it, and in what context you ask it.

I'll try to answer your question the best I can as an NT, but please keep in mind that it's difficult for me to imagine not having this "sense", and my description might not be the most useful.

To put it simply, the types of questions that make most people uncomfortable tend to fall in one of three categories:

In the first category are questions that are puzzling to the person receiving them. They don't understand why the question is being asked or how the answer would be in any way relevant. For example, if you were talking to someone about the economy and they suddenly asked you what type of bed you sleep on, you might find the question to be a bit "creepy" and get the impression that the person who asked it might have sinister intentions or be a little off their rocker. My friend with Asperger's does this sort of thing a lot, supposedly due to the way that autistic people make connections in their mind without realizing that others aren't making the same connections simultaneously.

In the second category are questions about things that are considered private. Topics like sex, bodily functions, and personal habits are not very appropriate to ask strangers about, because they are generally embarrassing to talk about. When these questions are asked, like above, the impression it gives the person they are being asked to is that the asker is mentally ill or trying to shock and embarrass them. I could sit down and write up a full list of these topics, but it would have to be a list stamped in clay, as the topics considered unacceptable differ from person to person, depending on their personalities and the type of relationship that you have with them.

The third category are questions about controversial topics. For example, asking a person about their political or religious views, whether or not they breastfeed their baby, whether they think spanking is an appropriate punishment, etc. These are questions about things that most people have a strong and passionate viewpoint on one way or another. When someone asks a stranger or casual acquaintance about these things, the ONLY impression that it gives to an NT is that the asker is (A) going to judge them based on how they answer, and (B) they are willing to challenge the viewpoint of the person they are asking if it differs from theirs. Questions like this make people angry as they tend to bring on conflict, and most people who ask those questions do so to intentionally bring on conflict.

While it might be interesting to know what a person's political party or sexual preferences are, that's what Facebook is for, as I tell my friend with Asperger's.

Questions from all three categories have their appropriateness when you are asking a friend or loved one. Asking a good friend how their sex life is going, for example, is probably not going to cross any boundaries.

If you have any questions about what I wrote, feel free to PM me.

I would add 1 more category to DeftPlane's post above, and it's a rather hard concept to pin-down even for an NT.

the fourth category would be things that reduces a person's flexibility.
Most ASD love routine and by nature are very rigid, but NTs hate rigidity and the same routine almost as much as they hate the plague.
people don't like to give answers to questions that show exactly their limits or their relative social/economic well-being. Questions pertaining to pregnancy falls in to this category. In the US, it is illegal for an employer to ask an employee if she is pregnant, or ask anyone "when will you retire?." Both questions fall under harassment, because they imply a limit to the person's employability (maternity leave, retirement).

Questions about weight, pregnancy, financial earnings/assets, should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be as general as possible, and should just be avoided unless necessary or you really have a close relationship with the person.
This is also why a person may say that they think they can come to an event, even though they don't want to or can not go. They still want to create the impression that they are flexible.

Was it wrong of my boss to keep asking me when I am going to take my maternity leave? I sense he wanted me out of there but I also figured he needed to know so he knows when I am going to be gone so he can figure out who will do my shifts when I am gone and he didn't want to do it on short notice, he wanted to get it all lined up.


I think forums are different though when you ask all these because people do it all the time online.

I have been at Babycenter and I learned how defensive women get when people ask them pregnant questions or ask them about their parenting choices like formula feeding or breast feeding. Random people just come up to them and start talking to them and then ask them those things. Even NTs have boundary issues too. I doubt all those people who are making them are on the spectrum or have some social issue.


So it be okay of me to ask my relatives or family but not strangers?

I never ask about religion and politics because I don't like religion and I am private about my politics so I wouldn't want anyone asking me about it.

I was taught to stay on topic as a kid. I still tend to go off it but I mostly stay on topic unless I want to change it and then ask something else all of a sudden.

Anything I have strong feelings about or strong opinions, I do not talk about it because I never know if that other person will have a different view point about it.

I think I do pretty good with boundaries then. Maybe those other people were just rude and it wasn't me with the problem. I did think that one guy at work was rude to me anyway because he ignored my last question and he didn't take me seriously because he give me smart ass answers or just ignore me. I think anyone who goes "None of your business" or ignores you is rude when they could have said "It's private information" or "Something I prefer to keep private" than say NOYB. And I notice people say "Don't worry about it" because it's a polite way of saying NOYB. If I want to be rude, I'd say those words too than saying I wanted to not disclose it or I don't feel comfortable sharing it or that I am private about it.