Does anyone feel like this?

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I always feel like my mind is against me. It's like, I ask myself if I want to go do something like... I don't know, a ride on the four-wheeler or something. But then my mind always denying me to do anything. I feel like my mind is preventing me from doing something I should be doing or want to be doing. My mind just seems to want to do its one thing; yet that always leads to me sitting here with a blank stare not doing a single thing.

It's not because my mind goes in lockdown because if that was happening, my mind would shut down. But this is my mind preventing me from doing anything that I enjoy. I mean I do have depressive tendencies but... this is far different. I feel happy and everything but its just the little things of asking my mind or telling my mind I want to do something and its against me making those decisions... its like I never have any control over my brain...

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? I just want to know if it is just me or if this is normal for someone with an autistic spectrum disorder...

I often feel some kind of fatigue in my limbs if I want to to something, especially when it's something I don't like to do anyway, say, cleaning the apartment. I feel this when I want to do more pleasant activities too. I often wondered if it has something to do with executive dysfunction or plain laziness. I thought that some kind of chronic fatigue might be a cause of it, but I really don't see how. The problem is, if I start an activity, say lawn mowing or cycling, I can do it, this rules out chronic fatigue. When the activity is part of a routine, it is much easier to start and finish, for example, self care and going to work. When it isn't, things start to assume the form of a problem...

Yeah! THat's how I feel with the laziness part... its like, I don't actually feel lazy but more like its something that causes my brain some sort of dysfunction. As you said, I'm the same way even when it comes to cleaning. It's like, I know I should yet my brain just doesn't want any part of it, almost like it wants nothing to do with anything. I mean I thought maybe it could be my anxiety too and worrying over every little thing plus having HFA... it causes a chemical reaction. Because of routine and such... I mean I know I can do the things but my brain just doesn't want me to take part in them and refuses to let me do them, even blocking of the knowledge of such things.

Actually this sounds very familiar.
I don't know how I would describe it, but what you have written really does sound familiar.
It's a sense of wanting to go do something, but being prevented from doing it - getting stuck.

Exactly. I wasn't sure how to really explain it either. I mean at times it is depressing too but I know it isn't depression. I can still do things without falling under the depression people would think it is. I don't even feel that it is depression. It's just wanting something but feeling that you are being prevented.

I mean I always feel like its something that causes a bunch of insecurity. But I really don't know. That's why I wanted to know if others had this sort of problem too...

My mother used to nag me to do things like cleaning, homework, learning, going down to the playground when I was a child. I hated that. I wonder if it has something to do with it.

Other times, after I finally finished doing something I previously feared of, I often found that "It wasn't so hard". Perhaps, the cause of this fear may have been the uncertainty, fearing what could have happened if I did something wrong.

I have trouble getting my brain to acknowledge my need or want to do all kinds of things. My executive function and I do not get along.

I want to do things that most people don't normally do. In a perfect world, I would read books for 12 hours a day and do that for the rest of my life.

I can't do that, I have to get a job, interact with others, go out to eat, etc, etc.

You said, "stopping you from doing things you enjoy". Most people do things that do enjoy and avoid things that they don't tend to enjoy. Maybe you enjoy things that others don't. Maybe you think you enjoy some of the hobbies.

I enjoy things but they don't involve social interaction. That can be a problem.

SAME HERE. MY MOM IS LIKE THAT WITH ME ALL THE TIME. It drives me nuts because it makes my mind feel like cringing every time. I mean its not me being lazy... my brain isn't processing the message correctly; kind of like how it feels that its being forced to do something it hasn't had a chance to process. So my mom always says, "You need to go pick up the stuff in the living room that you left." When my brain hears the word need then it shuts down and I end up screaming at her because I feel if I'm already here in my room where my mind has switched to a mode of relaxation... the 'need' to do something causes it to react more negatively and than it causes me to get all anxious and distressed.

The mind isn't just it's own will, you have other parts of your brain with their own needs and cravings. Yes free will is an illusion, but i'll leave that to another topic .

Things like cravings/addictions, need to physically do something and sexual needs are all coming from the limbic system.
But it could also be linked to depression, since you are unhappy for a period you want to do fun things and not things that are annoying.

So conflicting desires could really be a nuisance.

I can totally relate to this. I have OCD and probably HFA. For me it's anxiety and mental rituals of OCD that block me from doing what I want. It really does feel like my mind is not under my control.

But its not depression. Depression is much more complex... and I know because my dad is diagnosed with Depression. He has to take meds for it on a daily basis so he doesn't fall into a state of depression.

I mean its much more complex than what you think. It's more of a... of... I can't really explain it. I mean I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, Severe Anxiety and ADHD... I always figured it was either my autism or my anxiety and ADHD causing chemical reactions in my brain that often made it react so negatively to things. I can still do things that my brain enjoys doing. Like, I can sit here typing and my mind could be freaking out. The only depression tendencies I ever get are self-injury or suicide attempts. But that's mostly because I'm frustrated and can't get my brain to function properly.

I have a history of developmental delays as a child. I wasn't on time with imaginative play, behavioral concerns, communication and even learning in school. I still have delays even today that make it harder for me to get a job or even go to any kind of colleges. I was emotionally abused in school because no one understood my needs and as much as my parents fought with the school; I was often rejected because I was either misbehaved or not learning as well as other students in my grade. My parents tried to help me but no one heard their voices or even my voice. I was the one left untouched because people didn't want to deal with me. I was isolated from everyone because I felt like the world didn't want me. I was alone and often the loner who always strayed away from the pack. Kids teased me because I was different and I didn't fit in with them socially. I was very socially awkward and teachers always told my parents that I never played with other kids. I was the social outcast. I had friends but because I was so different and unlike they were, they started to not like me as much because of those differences.

I have HFA. They diagnosed me with it when I was nine and in second grade, I was diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability. I wasn't diagnosed with Severe anxiety until recently by my psychiatrist.

HFA is more severe when you have delays with development, like what I had growing up; as I discussed in my above post.

Sorry, I couldn't resist laughing about it a little. It's an aha moment. In my language, the counterpart of the word "must" is a foreign word, has a bit stronger overtone, and my mother used to say this word ultimately while I kept being reluctant and saying "Why?". For years after, I kept correcting people when they happened to use this word... It was so painful to my ears.

I don't think I can relate to this. If I want to do something at first, and then I don't follow through with it, there's always a logical reason. I mean, if I actually did want to do something, why would my mind tell me I don't want to?

When I was younger, I used to obsess over finding that exact moment when my brain made a decision. It's hard to explain...but say that I need to turn on a light. At some point, after a little deliberation, I go to turn on the light. The trouble is I've never been able to find that point where the deliberation ends and the action begins, or to indentify exactly how the decision is made or how much control I have over it. It feels like something in my brain just decides, without ever consulting me at all or even letting me know when it has decided.

Um, I don't recommend thinking about this too much. It will drive you mad.