Would you pass on Autism to your child if you could choose?

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I have 2 sons and I passed on autism to both (though I didn't know I had it at the time). I did not even realize I was an aspie until my first son was getting diagnosed. I just thought I was very different, an only child, "sensitive", "shy" and quirky, but in the list of symptoms for getting him diagnosed, I recognized myself.

I will say that for them it manifests differently than for me. They are much more active, have more "outward" symptoms, and I'll be honest, it's a lot to deal with sometimes. There are times when we are having a bad day that I feel VERY guilty. I have even said "I'm sorry" to my oldest son (not saying for what, but some days I am sorry because I see him struggle so much).

But here's the kicker. Would I do it again? I think so. My boys are amazing and I love them very much.

Being in your situation, if it's all the same to you and you don't mind not experiencing the pregnancy, I'd have your NT partner pass on the genes. But genetics is a gamble all the time, not just with us.

If I had any control over such a thing, I would choose not to give my autism to my child. My reason for this is fundamentally selfish: I find it very hard to see how I could cope with the role of parenting as it is, and, knowing of the extra difficulties that can come with having a child on the spectrum, I couldn't risk the stress that I might face in that situation.

That said, if I could somehow determine for sure that the child would be a mild case of AS - the quiet, passive, studious type with an academic bent - I'd probably be more attracted to the idea of being a parent than I would if I knew I'd have an NT child.

Well... look at it this way. If you and your girlfriend were a black/white mixed race couple in 1930s America, with black people still second-class citizens, would you want to give your child the white skin that would make them less likely to suffer prejudice? The choice is very much the same.

And I'd say--if you have a choice, then it's okay to choose not to pass it on. The world is hard on autistic people. Creating an NT rather than an autistic baby in such a world isn't a betrayal of your belief in the intrinsic value of the autistic person, nor an indication that you think an autistic child wouldn't be as happy as a neurotypical. It's just a desire to have a child that fits into the world you live in. Similarly, it would not be wrong for the hypothetical mixed-race couple to choose a white child rather than a black one.

If you're not ready for an autistic child, though, you should not be having a child. Any child could turn out autistic; there's just a lower chance. Maybe 1:100 rather than the 1:20 or so you have. (No, I don't know that it's 1:20. That's the chance of having another autistic child if you've already had one. There are no studies on autistic parents.)

But if you are not ready to be the parent of a severely autistic, profoundly disabled child, then you shouldn't be having any child at all--because part of the decision to have children is the decision to care for them, no matter how much care they need, or else to see that someone else cares for them when you cannot. If you aren't ready for that, then it doesn't matter who would have the child--you shouldn't have one at all. (By "ready" of course I mean "willing to learn and do what's needed to be a good parent" rather than "already an expert". Nobody is already an expert, not even when the child is non-disabled NT.)

It's also okay to choose to take the risk of having an autistic child. As I have said many times over, autistic people have a fair chance at happiness, just like any other human being does. That's the most important thing. And you can raise an autistic child in an environment where they will be accepted as they are. It is my experience, with the disabled people I know (both autistic and other disabilities) that their happiness and self-efficacy are highly related to whether they have learned to accept themselves and their disabilities--and that is so much easier to do when your parents constantly send the message that you, with your disability, are valuable and worthwhile--that disability has absolutely nothing to do with your worth. The people who can understand that and take it to heart are the ones I see living their lives and taking on the world with confidence, with all its struggles and sadness as well as its joys and accomplishments.

Of course, you could just choose to have two children, and each of you carries one. I had siblings and in general it was a good experience, however much they annoyed me. You wouldn't be shortchanging a child if you had two of them.

Thank you all for your input. As you point out, there is of course a whole lot of other, and perhaps more important, things to take into consideration. I'm not very good at seeing it all at once though, I have to pick things apart to understand.

The black/white argument is an interesting analogy. It's not really the differentness or bullying I'm worried about though, I find most majorities boring and would rather stand outside them. What concerns me is if it will be possible for my child to fulfill their dreams, as I myself met so many closed doors back in school and university due to not being able to do things the way other people do.

Interestingly, it seems that I am a lot more concerned about this than my girlfriend is.

My son is like this. It's not something that we've done on purpose...we are just so similar, and he understands everything so well. He is going to be much much further ahead than I was, because I understand him.

Doors will be closed on people, regardless of whether they are autistic or not. When I was in school one of my professors was giving a lecture about Vera Ruben, a wonderful astronomer who had a number of doors slammed in her face along the way. As a graduate student her adviser more or less shunted her off into a limited field of study: galactic rotation rates. In the process of investigating this, she more or less discovered dark matter. It's something of a victory story. At the end of the lecture a fellow student raised their hand and asked, "Is this indicative of how the sciences treat women?" The professor (a woman) replied, "No. It's indicative of how academia treats graduate students." Doors will be closed on people, regardless of whether they're autistic or not, women or not, left-handed or not, etc., because people close doors on other people.

As far as I know I don't have AS or autism. I have TS and OCD. My wife and I knew this before we had kids. We entertained the question of whether this was or was not the right thing to do, and finally decided we didn't care. It turns out she had some fun genetics on her side of the family, too, and the mix is a great combination. My son has ADHD and AS. This has presented its fair share of challenges, but I can honestly say that simply being a parent has presented more.

Callista's post is absolutely true. The fourth paragraph is pure gold when it comes to advice about parenting. I'm off to re-read it again.

I would never choose to have an Autistic kid. Not even AS as mild as I've got. I don't want them to grow up in a world full of misunderstanding. I want him or her to go to school and be able to mix, even if he or she was shy. They all seem to make at least one friend at school when they're really shy, or even got intellectual learning difficulties. But any disability what makes them socially different is a really cruel thing to have. Especially when they get to about 12 - when they start realising how lonely they are and start crying and saying things like, ''why am I here? Why was I born? Please explain to me, Mum. Why did you have me? What's the point in me if I can't make friends at school?'' It's a HORRIBLE feeling! If I was a mother, I would rather my children were happy more than myself.

One of my cousin's friends has had a 2-year-old boy who has just been diagnosed with severe Autism, and apparently she's been crying her eyes out. I know how she feels. I cried for her.

I would hate for my potential future children to have asperger's.

Three years ago, I had a breakthrough and I was semi-cured. I suddenly understood the whole world and developed empathy and before that, I felt hopeless and literally suicidal. I would never, ever go back. Asperger's people don't know what they're missing - I didn't, I couldn't have possibly imagined.

asprger's is a serious of restrictions in the brain and I would wish it on anybody.

It's less bad to have possibl Alzheimers genes, as the children might not inherit it, also Alzheimer's is partly preventable. People have a whol lifetime before they start to suffer.

Today is the birthday of our child that didn't live long with a condition linked with Autism, that can be fatal for some children. If I could have prevented what he went through, by having genetic testing; I would have never attempted to have children. The world is full of people that have children and make good parents.

I would have liked to have had children, but I'm not sure how good of a parent I would have been, regardless of my positive intentions; I had the positive intention of being a good husband, but autism limits that potential, no matter how hard I try to change it.

I guess the best way I can describe it was everyone was in my world, but it was extremely hard to get into theirs; sometimes I think I did, but most of the time I didn't. The times I think I did, were wonderful beyond comparison.

After my child passed away the memories came flooding back to me of how hard it was to grow up with Autism; his problems were so much worse than mine, that I felt that if I did the best I could in my life, because of him, his life would always make a difference in the world.

I'm not sure all people are cut out to have children, if you think you aren't chances are you might not be. There are so many children in the world and overpopulation is a threat to the species and the rest of the animal kingdom. I think the important thing is to contribute something positive in the world, it doesn't necessarily have to be children.

That's true, even though Alzheimer's is a terrible killer disease, the sufferer has had a lifetime of normal social interaction and friends, ect, and hasn't missed out on anything typical humans do. My mum and auntie are shy and seemed to have developed a social anxiety over the years, but when they were around the age of 20, they had a good time - dressing up in mini-skirts, socialising at bars and meeting different people, and going around with men, so they must have had some confidence in them back then to be able to do that, because I couldn't, and I'm at the age where I should be doing such stuff like that. I know the argument is ''but you don't have to do it just because it's the pressure of today's society'', but I still feel I'm missing out because I want to be a typical 21-year-old female. I want to be normal. I really do. Trust me to be blessed with being socially impaired. (Not blessed - cursed). Why should my children be cursed with it too?

It's worse when you're a type of Aspie who is socially aware and never in a world of your own - yet you struggle to conform, or clueless of how to conform, yet you're aware of what's right and what's wrong. That is worse than being unaware or ''not bothered''. But to be not bothered, you got to be naturally not bothered, because if you try hard to make yourself not bothered, there will always be a part of you what is bothered - especially if it's your main worry, like it is with me. So knowing what you're missing out on, and knowing that you're weird or different is worse than not really knowing or not really leeting it get to you. It's a catch 22, really.