Confusion

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I don't remember having this problem when I was younger, but more and more lately, I'm just.... confused. I don't understand speech well anymore, and obviously I don't now nor ever have understood nonverbal anything, I get panic attacks many times a day when there is no good reason, I freak out at the littlest things (like, my mom's little dog got on my lap, and all I could do was scream NOTHANKYOU!! !! and start to cry), as described in my other post I don't really know what I'm saying most of the time and only make any sense a portion of the time. My only memory of many things is a sensory-mishmash of confusion.

What can I do?

How about writing prose, or some poetry? May be it would be good for your self-esteem, and help with anxiety. Your written communication skills seem very strong.

I write almost constantly. But the world doesn't function in writing; it functions in speech. I need to be able to have a conversation and know what I'm saying, what they said, etc. I need to be able to remember it five minutes later. I need to be able to speak what I actually mean to speak and not random echolalia or what appears to be lies (they are not meant to be lies!). I need to not feel like I'm listening to Greek. I need to get my senses sorted out so I'm not hearing lights and seeing sounds.

I can't say that I suffer from those exact problems, but I do display sensory overloads, racing thoughts, inappropriate responses to input.
Right now my comfort level for seeing others is about once a month. I stay home with my son and go to playgrounds etc, but anything more than a casual encounter with another human literally overloads me. It seems to be around the 1st to 5th of each month that I will have a social situation. Then it's usually not until the next month that I can feel like I can even return a phone call to anyone other than my mom.

I used to really struggle with the fact that I COULDN'T function and process in "that world" out there. Then I realized that my reality is only what I make it. Just because a world exists, where verbal and social interactions are necessary...I don't live there often. I found a job that works for me. I do commercial cleaning...the buildings are empty when I clean and I can have my head phones on. I love cleaning, and it's great physical exercise to get the endorphins up.
The only time I HAVE to use my social skills is when I pay at a store, or if I randomly see a neighbor. And even then, it's not like we are having a debate, they would probably be paying me so little attention I could be drunk or high on crack and they'd never know LOL.
It was before I recognized who I was, and I tried to assimilate into "that world" that I had difficulty with my differences. In "my world" I socialize online and that is normal in my world. I don't feel bad about it.
I don't know if that's just a lot of babble, but there you go. LOL.

mb, unfortunately, that's not an option for me. I have staff 40 hours/week, and we have to work toward goals of independence. This means social interaction and whatnot. Every day, I have to be social to some extent, even if it's just with staff. Staff says that I may have a 10-minute "zone out" break every hour, but no more. I had to convince them that they were putting me over the edge by talking to me during that break (because they're not allowed by some rules to just let me be, apparently). I find myself being overwhelmed and sort of shutting down, more and more. Hopefully with the implementation of the 10-minute hourly breaks, I'll do better.

Well... I'm not sure. It's mine plus Mom's choice, but Mom knows what's best for me. If I don't do this program, I'd be in a group home, likely for life. And, since there aren't group homes for ASD here, I'd be with people with severe MH or MR, neither of which is a good fit. So basically, this is my best bet, I think.

I know it's strict, and I don't understand it. There are other weird rules, like they aren't allowed to bring me to anything medical (cause, you know, that's not part of my life?) and if they DO bring me to therapy or speech, they have to stay with me the entire time. So I get no alone time with my therapist!

I'm surprised they don't insist upon talking to me through the bathroom door

I hear you supertrooper (literal words read) i have an still become confused with NT rationality of supposed understanding. Over my 30 years i have become so discouraged in verbal communication that i seldom talk at all.
With comments like "your not making any sense" i still become irritated and when pointing out that there my words and its obvious they are not making sense of them never seems clear to an NT.
Nouns are the only words that make Sense (in the nature of sensory/visual understanding like a truck is a truck, big grille, MACK, stacker exhaust, chrome, dusty/dirty, air horns etc) otherwise the rest is giberish. I find myself drifting towards my own thoughts until the next noun is spoken to draw my attenion and concentration of understanding back.
At work i find this increasingly impossible. My methodical planning and proceedual approach to my job is seen by employeers as either something i can teach others or use as a supervisory/manageral skill. This however is never been the case because i cannot verbally communicate effiecntlly, this then becomes a "lack of" or "unwillingness" assement towards me. Bringing to attention that i have AS and this is WHO and HOW i am never seems to register and i have always found it easier to leave for new employment. Until new employer see's my Aspergian nature as being benefical and cycle restarts.


(Yes my spelling is bad, atleast its not my handwritting your trying to read)

Awkwardphase, I find this happening a LOT recently, but I can't really understand your post despite reading it multiple times. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Ugh. I can write, but I can't seem to read. I read Artemis Fowl in college and was fine with it, but I just reread it yesterday and can't understand some major things in it. So weird.

40 hours a week sounds like SO much interaction to me. I think that amount of working with people and lack of alone time would shut me down too. Do you find yourself shutting down earlier in the day as time goes on? That's the kind of thing that could lead to a long-term burnout, which would defeat the purpose of the program. Can they modify the hours to fit your specific needs?

I posit that your problem is due to depression and anxiety. I think it may be related to being surrounded by chattering magpies(staff) 40 hours a week.

You say the goal is "independence", but what specific goals are you supposed to be meeting?

I've experienced very, VERY similar feelings including unbearable panic attacks under great amounts of strain. I would also posit it may be related to feeling like you're losing control over a lot of areas of your life.

Your program may need revamping. Perhaps instead of seeing the goal as a terrifying and nebulous mountain of "independence", you need to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, one goal at a time.

Your problems sound very difficult to deal with SuperTrouper. When you write, do you ever write fiction? I was wondering whether you were able to write fictional dialogue.

I can have as many or as few hours as I want. We've talked about backing them down. The problem is that, without staff, I do nothing. I sit at my computer and type, and that is all. I can't cook, or clean, or go anywhere, or sometimes even eat, or do ANYTHING without staff here. When I took a day off from staff on Friday, I had apple juice and a piece of toast, in 36 hours. That said, the sheer amount of interaction is pushing me into... I guess a shut down? As far as earlier in the day, forget that- I'm ALWAYS burned out now.

Malisha, I'm definitely not depressed, but I am ALWAYS very anxious. I have OCD, tics, agoraphobia, panic disorder, and GAD. I'm fine when I'm alone in my apartment, and that's all. I have very, very specific goals, such as "Lydia will carry out three exchanges of conversation with an unfamiliar person." But, each goal is working toward being more independent.

Orr, I do not write fiction. I remember having written fiction exactly twice in my life but very difficult and strained, and both for school assignments. I write what's on my mind, and that's about it. I can write research papers, too, though the organizational aspect often evades me.

Fiddlesticks. I was going to suggest may be trying to write a play, or something of the like, centred around people in a similar environment to your own. I once read that such endeavors can be helpful to people in many situations, as long as they are not too autobiographical, or biographical. I worry that my unhelpful suggestions may be tormenting you, so I apologise if they are. I am certainly no author.