Saying Names - Selective Mutism or ???

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I have always been like that ,never calling anyone by name..There is only one woman at work that I call by name and not surprisingly she is the ONE woman who I am the most interested in , romantically..

Wow! You all have NO IDEA how incredibly helpful this is to me. Being an NT, or at least not having this type of fear, it is a very hard thing for me to understand. My son is extremely bright and verbal, but he is still so young. I don't think he has the words or understanding to explain to me what this is like for him.

He can't say names, even in referring to people (except the few that I mentioned). So I can't ask him a "who" question & expect an answer from him. He may try to describe the person, ie "your friend's oldest son" or something like that. He remembers EVERYTHING, so I know that it isn't that he doesn't remember the name.

His teacher last year tried to talk to him about this & he told her he was afraid that something would happen to a person if he said the name. He did not express that fear to me though, only that it is a fear of his to actually say most names.

Luckily he has many, many people who he is very connected to, so he has made some great social bonds. Even with them though, he will make up a silly name (ie 'poopyhead') and call the person by that name when referring to him/her. He doesn't often say a person's name (or nickname) directly to that person, except for his sister.

Please keep the thoughts coming. This is really helping me to begin to understand what may be his perspective.

Also, if there are any ideas of how you may have been helped with this, please let me know that too.

THANK YOU!

I do this too, though it's something I never really thought about that much. I tend to just totally avoid using someone's name to their face. If the person in question isn't around, like I am saying "I spoke to Bob yesterday" then that is okay, it's just naming a person directly that I avoid.

It just doesn't feel right somehow to say someone's name to them most of the time. For greetings, a simple "hi" is more comfortable than "hi Steve" or whoever it may be. If I need to get someone's attention I'd go for a "hey" or some such before actually using a name. Only when my normal methods fail would I call someone's name.

Maybe it's that when you call someone by name all of their attention is suddenly on you, like a spotlight. I sometimes get that nervous feeling of "nowhere to hide" when somebody is focused on me. Also there is always that fear that I've got the name wrong, if it's someone I'm not familiar enough with to recognise easily. I never really thought much about why it's something I don't do, it just comes naturally.

I often don't say names since they frequently slip my mind. Maybe he has a hard time putting a name to a face--knows that he knows them, but cannot place their name? Sometimes I do not say a name because I honestly am not sure if I remember their name (or if I have put the face with the name properly...maybe I am talking to someone else that I know, but thought it was someone else to begin with). I do not want to make it even more awkward by calling them the wrong name, so I just don't say anything. Maybe this is what your son does as well?

I hadn't really thought about it until reading your account but i have similar tendancies, i often avert to name people, as well as if i do it is a version of their name i have chosen and only i use. The difference being i am not restricted to this pattern, it is just a tendency. This wouldn't be selective mutism proper, but could certainly be manifestation of the same mechanism which results in selective mutism.

I am 28, and to address people directly by their names just feels unbearable. I know many people's names, but I absolutely do not want to say them.

I have made enough progress that if necessary I can say use a name when referring to someone in third person(although still with a lot of discomfort), or if necessary I can even say a person's name directly to them if I'm quoting something to them, like I could say to a person named Mary "John said 'Could you ask Mary to come here?'", but to actually address a person by their first name feels completely terrible.

Actually I almost never address anyone by anything, and I almost never refer to anyone except as "I/me", "you", "he", "she", or "they/them". I do refer to my mom and dad as "Mom" and "Dad" and I refer to my sister by her nickname(a name I gave her when she was young), but even to my own family I almost never do so directly.

I do consciously notice when people greet me that they say my name, and every time they do say my name I notice the fact that I don't say their name when I respond.

Ha, sorry but I just got really excited when you say he makes up nicknames for people. I do this too. Calling people by name is such a personal thing and so since very young I've been giving people nicknames. People have even picked up on the nicknames and call that person by it too.

It's turned into a unique skill. I come up with good names for pets it helps give titles to objects, places and people in my own creative writing.

My cat has about 4,367 different names I call her each day. I never call her the same name for long.

I don't know for sure but it's like I can bring people into my own world by naming them.

I never used to call people by name and hated hearing my name called but now I'm semi-social I say peoples names and don't freak out as much when they say mine.

I did have selective mutism however. Back then I didn't say squat. Now you wish I would just shut up.

Generally, I've always had great trouble remembering anyone's correct name. It is my great wish that everyone I had to remember the name of were to wear a name tag. This is actually one of the reasons that I like facebook; even though I pretty much only interact with people there indirectly for games, it gives a handy pictorial representation of everyone on the list with their names. To back this up, back in grade 7, a teacher called my Mom in for parent teacher night to report that I did not seem to be calling anyone by their names (never fear, I didn't call them by any other names, either). So in these sorts of cases, it was a lack of being able to get the names right (after a few months of repetition, I generally did recall a few of them, but I have no idea how people remember names after only a day or so of exposure). But even though I don't usually remember the names, it seems I can remember just about everything else about the target person or person's pet. A different name (if any gets used at all) ends up in my memory; if I were to greet a cat, for instance, I'd say something like, "Hello, Cat," or, for another example, one guy that was in my classes that looks sort of like Dilbert and that I should probably know the name of by now, after many classes and labs later, is still "Dilbert guy" in my head. The proper names just seem so arbitrary and random that they just don't seem to stick properly, at least until many weeks and repetitions have passed. (Footnote: I seem to also be vaguely face blind, which doesn't help the matter much).

Anyway, even when I do remember people's names, it still feels terribly strange to actually use them when talking to the name's owner. I don't know if this is my subconscious persuading me subtly that I might not actually be using the right name (but I don't think that's it, as this occurs even when I am quite sure of the name). I don't really seem to have problems using the name when talking about a person when they aren't there, though, once I'm pretty sure I've learned the name (indirect reference rather than direct). Even my own name doesn't hold that much meaning for me; like, I don't get why kids are supposed to like having bookmarks with their names on them or being told things like "wow, your name is so special and therefore you are special, too!" I'm going to take a wild stab at a theory here and say this is because names sort of just seem to be a useful referential to refer to others for the sake of others. As this requires a leap into the "theory of mind" (what does this person like to be called?) and as the answer requires recollection of an otherwise arbitrary referent, I think maybe the subconscious breaks down here and gives up on the name retrieval altogether. By the time I've remembered the name of the cat, it doesn't feel natural to call it by the "proper" name, it's "Cat" (or "Fluffy" or whatever I was using up until the time I finally got the name figured out)!

To diverge from the personal reflection on the topic, I'm surprised no one here has read John Elder Robison's book, "Look me in the eye" (he's the guy who wrote the other book that's been highlighted on this site lately, that has trains on the cover) or at least doesn't recall that he described having this problem, too. e.g. from his webpage (link), he calls his wife "Unit two," for instance (b/c she is the 2nd born in her family). I remember he also gave other examples in the book, but I don't remember them. I don't recall him analyzing this, though, but he uses his other names for people he knows well all the time throughout the book.

I actually registered just to reply to this thread. I do the name thing too- I always say "hey" to get peoples' attention or else I make up a pet name for them. My boyfriends are always "baby" or "sweetie". I have no idea why, but like others have said, it just feels weird to call someone by their name. Like its too personal or something. I can't look people in the eye either, names & eye contact just make me cringe. Glad to know I'm not the only one

I can definitely relate. For me, calling someone by name is a terrifying experience. Sometimes it feels wrong, like I shouldn't call someone by name. Other times, this is running through my head: What if I were wrong? What if I called them the wrong name? If I know someone well enough, I should know their name, so what if I say the wrong name? What would I do? How would they react? << This is what I find myself thinking sometimes. Other times I just don't feel comfortable calling someone by name. As an Aspie, it's sometimes difficult for me to know if someone wants me to call them by name, and if they don't want me to, and I did, how would they react? It's difficult to explain it, and I don't think I've done a terrific job, but I hope you can sort of grasp what I'm trying to say. For me, saying people's names is still one of my fears. I don't like calling my friends by name, I don't like calling my teachers by name; the only people I don't mind calling by name is my very immediate family. I really have to warm up to someone before I feel that I can call them by name.

To overcome this, I have to be brave enough to risk failure. What if I did call someone by the wrong name? It wouldn't be the end of the world. I would find a way to get around it. I sometimes have to be brave enough to step outside my comfort zone and call people by name, since it sometimes feels really weird and unnatural to use names. I've been trying to do this for a while now, and I've gotten better and better at using names. I'm not at the same level as everyone else yet, but I'll keep trying to improve.

I think the best way to help your son is to be gently encouraging, but to let him improve at his own pace. Calling someone by name is really unnatural for an Aspie. It feels wrong, as though it's against the rules to use a person's real name. As others have said, it feels too personal, even though this isn't really the case. If you remain continually encouraging, yet just as understanding, he may eventually start to improve