Arrested for Domestic Violence

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Joined: 2 Aug 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 76
Location: Ottawa, Canada

24 Aug 2011, 2:10 pm

Argentina - it's quite understandable that you care about your husband, especially if he's the father of your children. It's also quite understandable that you don't want him to ruin his life - particularly if by ruining his life he'll also be doing damage to yours or your childrens. I don't do any criminal law work myself, but I've heard countless stories of situations where a person is arrested for inflicting physical harm on a spouse, and it is that spouse who fights hardest to avoid any kind of conviction. Sometimes they even feel guilty for 'failing' their abuser, wish others could see him for the way he is 'most of the time' and regrets that the law became involved in the first place.

That said, I want to tell you that you shouldn't feel bad that it has come to this. It's not your fault - you did the reasonable thing trying to protect yourself, and the correct thing in protecting your kids. You have to do what's best for yourself in this situation as well.

You may want to consider the possibility that you're not the best person to help him. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to avoid anything that leads to a pattern of abuse. Your relationship may be too well established for him to make the kinds of changes he needs to make within it, and too safe for him to come to the kinds of realizations he needs to come to. This might be what's best for both of you - in your case because you need to ensure your physical safety, and in his case because he may need that kind of a change to get better. Your best option may be a separation - including one of you leaving the home.

Argentina
Blue Jay

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

25 Aug 2011, 9:57 am

guywithAS wrote:

i have to confess i find this thread disturbing. there's clearly a reason why argentina sticks around, perhaps her aspie husband owns the house or has some other thing which she will need and lose if she leaves with the kids.

fellow aspies : if you find yourself in a situation with a person like the OP, i'd suggest you end the relationship and find a way to re-build yourself a new life far away. don't get caught in this kind of codependence. this entire thing seems incredibly toxic.

Actually, the reason is the other way around. I have lived in this house for 20 years. I don't see why myself (the main income earner) and my children should be forced to move. I agree this is a totally dysfunctional situation. I do the best I can with the resources I have available to work with. I did not mean to disturb anyone reading any of this. I was just seeking some outlet for support.
I am no saint either. (i have plenty of faults), but none that justify his physically abusive behaviour. I have NEVER been physically abusive in my life and can't even understand why someone would be like that.

Last edited by Argentina on 25 Aug 2011, 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Argentina
Blue Jay

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

25 Aug 2011, 10:15 am

Knifey wrote:

leejosepho wrote:

Knifey wrote:

you have a restraining order in place so you obviously hate him and want him out of your life.

That is quite an assumption. A restraining or "personal protection" order does not automatically reveal either hatred or wanting someone out of one's life.

haha, it's pretty hard to be in somebodys life if you have to be 50 feet away at all times

Also restraining orders in my country come with a phone element which means no contact so thats what i'm assuming here. Just admit it's over and move on with your life and never think of him again. You can't be with him but you can't let him go, i think you should get a life.

Knifey....... I am in your country (South Australia) and I can assure you I have a restraining order under-the-same-roof. Although unusual, it is possible to have this type of restraining order.
As for me "getting a life"....... i do have a life.............
my own home for 20 years, marriage and children, future plans with my partner, a full-time financially secure career, running my own business from home.
It is not that easy to just extricate yourself from these type of situations. there are financial and legal implications that have to be worked through.
I am quite surprised that an Aspie would suggest that it is that "easy" to just walk away from everything you have known for 20 years and start completely afresh and forget the past.

Argentina
Blue Jay

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

25 Aug 2011, 10:51 am

Godless_lawyer wrote:

Thanks for your comments. Very helpful and I agree with what you are saying. I don't feel guilty for failing him or getting the law involved. In fact, I am relieved to have the law involved. I am tired of trying to deal with all this on my own. I have been telling professionals for years that I am not the best person to help him and that more intervention is needed. Over the years of his numerous mental health problems, doctors have actually sent him back into my care because there is not enough collaboration amongst the services and resources in the "system" to manage his issues. His recent job option now means that he will have enough money to support himself so we can separate. although i will have to get this all organised for him and set him on the right track (otherwise I will end up with him sleeping in his car in the driveway).

guywithAS
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 23 Apr 2011
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Posts: 285

25 Aug 2011, 9:17 pm

Argentina wrote:

women generally aren't physically abusive, but they can be very emotionally abusive.

if he's that incapable of managing his own life i'd really encourage you to help him move and and get set up and get an additional restraining order which doesn't allow him within 50 meters of your house so he's forced to find his own way. i think you'll be surprised at how he's doing in a year or so. aspies are smart.

Argentina
Blue Jay

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

25 Aug 2011, 11:50 pm

guywithAS wrote:

Argentina wrote:

you are right. i think he will be fine on his own once things are set-up. there is nothing wrong with his intelligence but he has not (in the 10 years he has been here) taken much of an interest in how things work in Australia. He originally from the UK.
I am certain that over the years i have inflicted emotional abuse on him. I became very frustrated with certain things and neither of us knew why we were never on the same wavelength etc. etc. we ended up in a destructive communication pattern which is extremely difficult to turn around. and maybe at the end of the day our perspectives, wants and needs are just too far removed from each other to make it work.

draelynn
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25 Aug 2011, 11:56 pm

guywithAS wrote:

how well do you treat your husband?

are you taking care of his physical needs in the relationship?

do you nag him?

why don't you leave this situation? the way you describe it, you sound like a saint. which makes me rather skeptical of the story we are seeing here.

Wow... REALLY?

If she treated him better, if she slept with him more, if she never asked him to do anything things would be better? What century were you born in?!

Perhaps if the OP contacts the magistrates office and informs them of her husbands recent diagnosis and requests that he be ordered to therapy alongside alcoholism treatment and a restraining order, things might be able to turn around for this guy.

There is NEVER a reason for a spouse to put hands on a spouse in anger. Never. Even if you can't agree on the severity of actions between aqdults this is abusivve behavior towards the children. Having children witness this sort of abuse is as good as laying hands on them yourself.

Knifey
Deinonychus

Joined: 19 Aug 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 324
Location: South Australia

26 Aug 2011, 1:42 am

hmmm, yes you are right a restraining order is what ever the judge who makes it says it is.

Argentina wrote:

I am quite surprised that an Aspie would suggest that it is that "easy" to just walk away from everything you have known for 20 years and start completely afresh and forget the past.

You may be quite surprised but it fits with how i see the world. when i was 21 i moved on average once a year. I left home when i was 16. I guess for me moving and starting with nothing is not the end of the world, so when i remove myself from a situation and look at it without emotion it is easy to come to the conclusion you should cut your losses. i might sounds a bit vulcan here but emotion and logic are usually mutually exclusive, which is why i am amazed at how women can function.

i'm sorry i can't get passed the fact that, if you have to have the LAW involved to make your husband treat you like a person where do you go next? you are already beyond the last step in making it work. it doesn't work. he doesn't want to be married to you. his hands around your throat cutting off your air supply is a pretty good clue. drinking doesn't change who you are, it lets you be who you are.

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Todesking
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26 Aug 2011, 2:08 am

Tequila wrote:

It could also be that he feels like this when sober but it comes out more when he's drunk. I'd put a bet on something like this being the case.

Nailed it.

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Argentina
Blue Jay

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

27 Aug 2011, 8:37 pm

the police told me that a vast majority of their work is drug and alcohol related violence. it's abysmal and makes me wonder what is happening to the human race.

saying that; my husband's violent episodes do not happen every time he drinks. there are months or even years in between episodes and these episodes directly relate to a build up of tension of a period of days/weeks. his tolerance to domestic disruption when he is drinking is greatly reduced.

between times he is very caring, loyal, generous and affectionate. in fact, i said to him not that long ago that he must really hate me. he was completely perturbed as to why i would think that.

he is not controlling in the typical way of an abusive person.

i don't think he really "gets" the psychological and emotional effect his violent outburst have on the family. he thinks he can control it himself and 90 percent of the time he does. but the other 10 percent is full-on and frightening. he has not shown any anger towards me in regard to taking the restraining order or getting the law involved. he is just "going with the flow"

He considers that he has been good since that last episode (and he has) and he seems to think everything should continue as normal and he will try not to let the violent stuff happen again. I know, however, from past experience that it will happen again (it might be next week or next year). but it will happen unless something happens to make it stop permanently. that is what I am focussing on now.

Bopkasen
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27 Aug 2011, 10:04 pm

Argentina wrote:

My husband was arrested on the weekend for
1) breaking restraining order - I took this out 2 weeks ago to put boundaries in place
2) physically assaulting me - pushing and pinning me down
3) property damage - punching hole in the wall
He is due to go to court in a couple of weeks.

Husband was under the influence of alcohol at the time. Past history has proven that when he has been drinking, he will "lose it" very quickly over the slightest thing. He will also start to dwell on past issues and bring them up over and over again. His Aspergers was diagnosed 6 months ago. There is years of mis-communication and emotional damage between us.

He does not seem to get the severity of this situation. He admits he is embarrassed and appalled by his reactions but he does not see that his drinking is a big contributing factor. he will compare his punching a hole in the wall to me calling him selfish. He sees them at the same level of "abusive behaviour"
he did not believe me when I told him he would get a criminal record, so I gave him a number for the legal advice line to confirm this
I want my husband to take responsibility for his behaviour and there should be consequences to behaviour. However, I don't want to ruin his life and I am concerned the magistrate will perceive him as someone who lacks remorse and doesn't care rather than someone who has difficulty communicating and does not know what is expected. He has never been in trouble with the law before and he would be expecting others to perceive him as a good, hard-working and generous man

Tell him, it is booze or you as a wife, he needs to make a decision which one because if you can't handle both then you might as well choose one or the other. Alcholism is real serious. He can't accept his consequence.

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