First public meltdown in a long time

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Help! I need some encouragement from the only people out there who understand.

I have 2 little sons, both diagnosed with pdd-nos (they're aspies) who recently took swimming lessons at the local YMCA. 8 lessons in one month, and it took me until lesson 6 to get over my own memories of being "forced" to go to the Y as a kid, with all the humiditiy, smells, chlorine, people, showers... blechhhh!! ! I am an aspie and was diagnosed 2 years ago (at 38 years old) while my kids were being diagnosed, because I realized "hey, if they have it then I have it too". And I was right. Life changing moment.

A month ago I sprained my ankle pretty badly, and for exercise, I thought that swimming in a pool would be a good thing. So in a moment of insanity 2 days ago after the kids' final lesson I signed myself up as a member. Bought a bathing suit, went down there today and had a complete panic attack. The thought of rinsing off, getting in a pool with a bunch of strangers, the horrid smell of the rubber in the bathing suit coupled with the chlorine, the echoes... massive sensory and social overload. I just turned around and walked back out to the desk asking to cancel my membership.

They gave me kind of a hard time, and ended up bringing me back to the Director's office to "explain why". I checked "medical" as the reason for the refund, and got quite an attitude. So I explained that I sprained my ankle and thought swimming would be good, but I get anxiety around crowds, and when I said the word "anxiety" I started to cry and hyperventilate. At least the director was nice and changed her attitude quickly and was helpful, and as I left she said "good for trying".

I went to my car and cried and cried. I'm so tired of feeling like a freak. I realize I haven't had a meltdown like this in a very long time because I mostly hide from the world. I am lucky to be able to stay home with the kids, and I take them to do things, but we make major accomodations (which I thought were for them, but turns out I think for me too). I do one "social" thing and then have to go hide in my house for a few days to recover. And sometimes I just realize how lousy I feel about it, that I can't just sign up for a Y membership like a regular person and not have a hyperventilating meltdown. Yes, I have gifts (music, languages, art, photography) but they come at a very steep price. I feel like my whole life is a struggle to pass for normal, and today I failed big time. I feel sad for my sons, that this is most likely in their future too.

I just called my therapist, (who doesn't really "believe" - or more likely understand what aspie is - he's old school) and he assured me that this was a "one time thing" because I am "stressed out raising my two sons". But I know what it was... a sensory/social overload nightmare and I am mad and sad for myself. And planning to hide in my "man cave" (even though I am a woman) for a few days to recover.

Thoughts? Advice? Similar experiences and what helped you? Thanks.

L2K

So we share the same therapist, I see.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can completely relate. I don't know what advice to give you except to take it easy on yourself and be proud of yourself for having the strength to deal with this without support. I'm sure you don't feel strong but I think it's important to stop the negative self-bashing (both spoken and unsaid). If you're anything like me, you probably form habits quickly since routine is about habit. The negative crap becomes habitual thinking and, not to go all Stuart Smally on you, you really need to like yourself and pump up your own ego. I think it's important that I try my best to be an ally to myself and to not sabotage my recovery from bad days with self-loathing stuff.

I try to turn everything into an opportunity to try coping mechanisms and preventative techniques. Don't spend your time worrying about feeling embarrassed or how others might perceive you. Almost everybody has meltdowns but are able to hide it or suppress it. You've got two boys that are going to benefit greatly from your ability to navigate the Aspie life. I think they're very fortunate to have you so don't worry about the people you don't know.

I've become quite reclusive which sucks because I love meeting people and socializing (in meaningful ways). I'm a good friend and I hate that I'm not developing any relationships. So, I try to stay positive and realize that life is cyclical and I'll have future opportunities to practice socializing. Everyday I think about how much I want friends but I'm trying to use this time for personal growth. Still, I wish I could meet some people who were like me so I wouldn't have to spend so much time explaining why I'm odd.

I can feel a rant coming on but I'll suppress it because this is about you and I just want you to know that I totally sympathize. You deserve to have a community and a supportive therapist, and I think it will happen some day, for both of us. In the mean time, I hope you can find something that helps. I've been trying out music and aromatherapy. As soon as I can, I'm getting noise cancelling headphones. Those things are awesome. I walked into the noisiest, brightest, busiest Bestbuy and tried some on. Have you tried any? I'm not saying it's going to be a cure-all, but I felt immediate relief.

I was wanting to get some of these too. My life has improved immensely since getting an iPod and using it in public situations (especially when I have to go into the city). I did try out a pair at Best Buy once and have been thinking about them ever since.

Thank you for your reply. It's all so true. I'm up at 5am (which I never am) with this un-named free-floating anxiety and self loathing which I don't feel like I consciously want, but there it is like a giant elephant sitting on my chest. I think a lot of the negative self talk is left over from having a mom who was very critical and disappointed in her "freakish" daughter. There's a lot of fallout in breaking that cycle when it comes to thinking about myself and my sons. I didn't realize how much I unconsciously resent some aspects of how "different" I feel and the accomodations I need to make for that. I just wish I didn't want to fit in so much. This sure is a lesson in self discovery.

The accommodations wouldn't probably feel so different if others weren't so critical or unsympathetic to our sensitivities. It's a double standard because I don't think I'm nearly as demanding as most of my NT counterparts. I know plenty of "normal"people who are rigid and set in their ways, or need things to be a certain way, but it's more accepted because the vast majority can relate.

For example, I'm confused how people can't understand why the smell of diesel fumes can render me incapacitated. Good for them for being able to tolerate such a noxious smell but why is it so hard to comprehend how this odor could bother me? The very term "noxious" seems quite descriptive. I've been punished for this sensitivity all my life but I've stop fighting that battle. I've realized that my issues are a big inconvenience for others but screw them.

And the whole negative self talk thing- I'm sure that is residual from your mom as mine is from my dad (and others). There's a thread I've been posting on recently about clumsiness and it was a relief (comic) to find so many other people who have been punished for sensory integration issues, both as a child and as an adult. In fact, I had a fantastic laugh this morning when I woke up and read all the new comments on the "clumsy" thread. Although I wish I had a non-virtual community too, I'm greatly appreciative of how much this forum has helped my psyche in a short amount of time.

I hope something helps you ease the anxiety and other negative feelings but I know you have to ride out the storm. What helped me out the most over the years are my canine companions. I have three large dogs I rescued over the years and they have reduced my depression, anxiety and anger issues. I think I kiss each one of them on their muzzle 100 times a day saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you".

Anyway, I hope your morning improves and you're able to find relief. If you need a good laugh, find some posts that "speak" to you. The clumsy thread has done wonder for my mood.

Cheers!

yes, I do know what you are talking about.

Specifically, the pool is a place that I personally enjoy, the water is a positive sensory experience for me (when it is not full of noisy kids and teens).

But the whole meltdown experience is familiar to me, for other things. Even something as relatively "peaceful" as the end of a church hour can turn into a meltdown for me if I get "stuck" with a member of my family who wants to chit chat with everyone as they leave the building. Leaving church would only take two minutes according to my preferences, but if my dad is talking to people for twenty minutes, and he is my ride home, I start to freak out and it turns into "We need to leave NOW right this minute, wrap it up or I am going to cry" and I am very embarrassed to have to be like that.

Social events are a nightmare for me, so I avoid them. It takes me a very long time to really warm up to a person, and even if I end up liking them, I don't want to go to their house often, especially if other people will be there. One person is enough for me to hang out with at time

I finally went through college (it was an off and on ten year ordeal), and what is true is that sometimes I got so overwhelmed by the social aspects of classes (academic is no problem, I could sit in my room and do classes online for a hundred years no problem), I would just go into the bathrooms and cry in a bathroom stall. My favorite was the library. But I literally cried in every bathroom on campus in the time I was there (and I'm an adult supposedly). So please don't feel bad about it, we have to do what we have to do to survive.

What I've discovered in the stories of others with autism (such as Temple Grandin's book Thinking In Pictures) is that there is alot of fear for us, caused by the intrusive sounds/lights/smells of the world. These are intense problems! We are not weak for having fear because of them, we are being constantly attacked by these loud noises, and horrible toxic smells, and lights. Anybody would freak out if they were never able to get away from this problem.

The other night, I realized how bad it was for me, something simple as going to get ice cream. I went to the drive through, and the girl at the window shut her order window after she took my money. The window SQUEAKED like it was shrieking, and I jumped a foot sitting in my car. The girl at the window saw me jump like that and apologized when she gave me the ice cream. My thought was "Oh wow, I cant get ice cream without having a serious fight or flight response sheesh". And then there were birds shrieking outside on the way home and I felt like they were shrieking right into my head, it was so horrible. Dogs barking a block away can practically make me wreck the car. So, a simple outing that would be no problem for most people, can turn into a huge stressful adventure for me. That is just how it is.

I hope you feel better though, at least you know you are not alone