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I'm married to a man I think might have Asperger's. He has a cousin that was diagnosed in his teens. I've looked at many of the traits that are "typical" of Aspies and my husband exhibits nearly all of them to some degree. I've been married to him for nearly 11 years and have always known something was not quite right. As Asperger's became more well known to the general public I had a few people ask me if my husband has Asperger's. His family has never alluded that anything whatsoever is wrong. I do love him very much but I'm nearly at the end of my rope. I'm 44 and want to find some peace in my life but fear that I will never have that as long as I'm married. I've read the discussions that people with Asperger's have on the subject of marriage on this site and am now racked with guilt. I want nothing more than my husband to be happy but I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice my own. I'm not even sure what my next step should be. I fear my husband would be mortified if he knew of my suspicions about him. Any advice to be offered?

You are not specific enough about what the matter is in order for us to advise.

How, exactly, is your marriage disturbing your peace?


What have we said about marriage that makes you feel guilty?

There's no telling how he'll feel. It could be anything from "how dare you insinuate I have a disorder" to "hmmm... tell me more" to "oh good, I was trying to figure out how to tell you that I think I have it".

You can't hold back indefinitely. If you're nearly at the end of your rope anyway, you've got nothing to lose, which is a good problem to have in a way... you've got an excellent argument in favor of any reasonable action that suggests itself and against further stalling.

Mt Laurel: The wildly constant vasillating mood swings are really difficult to cope with. The outbursts of rage are probably the worst. That has nearly ended our marriage more than once. Especially because they are over the most trivial things....quite literally spilled milk. The intolerance to sensory stimuli has me running circles around him trying (and failing) to maintain his little world to avoid an outburst. Now that the economy has tanked he is no longer able to find work so lets heap plummeting self esteem and depression into the mix. Our relationship is that of a mother-child not a husband-wife and I don't think I can take it much longer. On the upside he's brilliant, funny and generally very likable when all this other stuff is under control. I have baggage of my own, I have difficulty with conflict. I internalize my feelings until I explode. I guess I feel guilty after reading what many Aspies have to say about relationships because I know he loves me and suffers greatly with internal struggle. Honestly I'm just so tired of walking on eggshells and hurting him will break my heart. I'm pretty sure he will be my one and only husband. I also feel like maybe I'm not being fair to him that maybe there is someone else that will love and understand him. Someone that will be more tolerant. From reading the posts I can see that most Aspies deeply desire a relationship and I know that my husband does too.

If outbursts of rage are directed at others (for example: putting others down, screaming hurtful things at them), that is not okay--regardless of whether or not someone has Asperger's.

It's great that you try to be sensitive and accomadating of your husband's sensory sensitivities, but he needs to take some responsibility for them so you don't feel like you're unable to live your life. I can only explain what I mean using examples from my own life:

I have extreme sensitivity to light but that doesn't mean that I get to control all the lighting in the house (I live with my parents). I can ask someone if it's okay to turn off a light, but if they need that light to be on I can put on sunglasses or go to a different room where the light won't bother me. My parents and I have also tried to find middle ground--lightbulbs that don't blind me (with brightness) or them (by making it too dim for them to see).

I have extreme sensitivity to sound, but that doesn't give me the right to dictate anybody else's activities. I have a good supply of earplugs to wear whenever I need them (e.g. when someone is vacuuming, making noise in the kitchen, having a loud conversation, or when I'm watching TV with others and can't stand the volume).

I think it's wonderful that you're trying so hard to understand your husband's feelings and perspective/experiences, but, as you said, you need to look after yourself, too.



If you could explain your suspicion that he has Asperger's in a neutral/positive (i.e. practical) light, would that help? Example/suggestion:

When introducing the subject, avoid comments about something being "wrong with him"; Instead, talk about the specific things you notice, how they affect you (<--this is important, regardless of how you go about talking to him.....if you don't tell him how things affect you, he might not understand that you need something from him--he might think you're just judging him for no apparent reason), and how you imagine these things affect him (i.e. tell him what you wrote here about how you know he loves you and how you imagine that he struggles with things). Tell him how you want to understand, be supportive, and find some answers/solutions to make life easier for both of you. Try to bring up what you've learned about Asperger's in light of the possible explanations it offers, and talk about cognitive differences (different ways of thinking and perceiving) instead of "disorders" or deficits.....the fact that these differences cause problems can be explained without saying that there is "something wrong with him."

Whatever you choose to do, good luck!

Onedge, thanks for your frank reply.

Yep, your 2nd post illustrates a lot of that. It's quite a tangle of issues is'nt it? I've seen the issues you brought up and they're punishing to live with.

I'm projecting that you don't have children, only because the demands of child rearing add another layer of great demand and I assume you'd have mentioned it as part of the overloaded mix.


It sounds to me as if you do love and understand him:


So you're trying and failing. Is it because he can't maintain his sensory environment to his standards/needs; as in, he doesn't know what that would be or can't express to you what that would be? Or is it because you're a living, moving, noise making, cooking, cleaning human being of whom he is intolerant?



I lived this in my childhood; it was my father's rages over noise, his mislaid car keys and any work around the home asked of him. My mother was running around in circles and we all walked the eggshells. Yep; it's a peace buster and worse, it's terrorizing. Does your husband lie; take no responsibility for the destructive things he does and the selfish violations of others he's perpretrated? Does he blame others, as my father did?


I have witnessed this in an Aspie/NT marriage of friends. The husband (aspie) hasn't a clue how horrorific it is to be present at the rages. When he's told how traumatizing it is, he always deflects to how the trigger incident was the cause; as if the cause was an inevitable reason for a rage. The trigger incident may be "spilled milk" or any instance of a demand that he take responsibility for a "wrong" he perpretated.


This is the classic dynamic of the NT wife / Aspie husband, marriage. The woman's part in the bad dynamic? She courted a childman expecting that her nurturing will produce the man who will be capable of carrying an adult role in the family. I wish I could dissuade women of this particular graniosity. They cling to the premise that their love for the man will triumph and are ever perplexed that their nurturing can't mature him. Simply observing the cause and effect of nurturing within the relationship, as it developes and accepting the reallity of the outcome; would point them in the realistic direction. In other words, if you as a woman find yourself taking all the responcibility for balancing the relationship and the only next step seems to be to step-up your nurturing game; the male is not ready to function as an adult mate. I contend that this can be discovered within the 1st year of dating (probably within the 1st 3-5 months of dating).

In the cases where this parent/child dynamic is not present (as illustrated by some on this board); there seems to be a functioning division of labor in the relationship; wherein the NT is the executive function (organizing the life of the home and scheduling) and the Aspie contributes financially, does a fair share of work in the home and takes responsibility for monitoring their behavior. They both monitor their behavior. These couples seem to maintain extraordinary lines of commumication and two-way empathy. They work within a dynamic balance. (If this dynamic is not starting to develop early in the relationship, no amount of nurturing by the woman or taking responsibilty by the man will mature the other mate.)


Yes, very much so.
Some aspies bravely venture into love realtionships and work hard (very hard) to make it work. One of the heartrending elements of the Aspie/NT dynamic is that for NT women; relationship time renews their spirits, but for Aspie men relating taxes their energy.
Other Aspies have been in relationships (or observe them realisticly) and have come to a self understanding that whereas they would like a sex partner and perhaps a stable predictable home life with the opposite sex; they know that they don't want to endure the enevitable demands and hassles entailed in becoming a committed partner.
Many simply bemoan their appearant inability to attract a mate. (I, in no way, am making light of this serious life delema.)

As to whether or not to discuss your knowledge of Asperger tendancies in your husband, I was going to suggest that since his behaviors are the problem and Aspergers cannot go away, it may be irrelevant. But I think Animalcrackers has some good insight here.

My heart goes out to you, Onedge, as yours is broken.

Mt Laurel: THANK GOD we don't have children. It just never really was the right time. Not to mention I couldn't subject a small child to the tantrums. The dogs and I just run for cover when they happen. He's not violent toward me but it's our visceral reaction to the screaming. You're sort of right about the experience of courting the manchild. I just thought he was lonely and kind of depressed. I didn't know anything about Asperger's until he told me about his cousin. As time went on the oddities continued to add up. I didn't marry until I was 33 and even though all the red flags were flapping in the breeze, I ignored them all. I take responsibility for my part in this but remember he doesn't know why he does the things that he does. His family has passed off these behaviors as his curmudgeonly ways. Your correct in that as I try to reason him out of the tantrum he doesn't take any responsibility for his actions. It's always someone or something's fault but not his as if this will somehow absolve him of any wrong doing. He views it as the action of any other rational human being. Since I didn't know why he did these things I took them personally. The sensory sensitivity rules our lives. Just the sound of my voice, my voice carries, would cause him to grab the sides of his head as if in agony. I honestly couldn't understand why he married me in the first place. The early years were brutal to my self esteem. I couldn't do anything good enough.....I wasn't good enough. I came out the otherside of that battle.

Yes, run for cover during meltdowns. Many Aspies here have voiced that during meltdowns it's no benefit to them for anyone to be present, especially if the other is interfereing. (I'm not assuming you interfere.) This is not the most populated post on this I've read on the topic, just the most recent:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4055189 ... t=#4055189

Yet if he were subjected to the meltdown of another, could he view that as the action of any rational human?

A psychologist once suggested that the spouse of a destructive drinker film one of the drunken outbursts and show it the next time the drinker denies or minimizes an episode while sober. It's a big step, but might that turn the attitudinal tide of your husband and get him leaning toward Animalcrackers' types of coping & relationship stratigies concerning sensory overload?