Our Own Noises

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Hey. I've seen plenty on WP about our varying levels of tolerance towards others making noise...but not much at all about what we think/how we feel when WE make noise. Do you feel that you curtail some of your own actions or behaviors directly due to your wish to not 'impose' noise on others? How much 'curtailing' do you do and in what form (i.e. headphones so others don't 'have' to listen to your music -- even if your ears get sore from the 'phones, 'holding in' crying so others won't be 'bothered' -- even if you feel physically sick afterwards, waiting til your neighbor's gone from her/his house to run your yard machinery or other tools -- even if it means greatly inconveniencing yourself to the point of escalated anxiety/'lost' time, etc....)? Do the rest of you go to 'extreme' lengths to not be heard making a certain sound or other or is it more about not reaching a certain volume?

Thanks for your replies to this Post.

I always use headset when possible. If I can't, I turn the sound off, or at a very low volume, even if I'm in my room, so the sounds doesn't filter through many walls...
For me, it's hard to focus and it annoy me a lot (the noises of the others), so, even if I know that they are not as sensitive as me to noise, I try to be as quiet as possible.

I am always on "stealth mode." I don't want to make noise because I don't want to attract anybody's attention. I hadn't really thought about it until I read your post, but I think I never feel free to forget about the impact of my noise on others. I think everyone is as sensitive as I am. This is part of the reason careless noise made by others irritates me so much - I think they should take as much care as I do.

When something makes noise then I yell because it's too noisy for me and people say, ''you're more loud!'' I always say, ''funny how I'm the only noise what disturbs you. EVERY noise disturbs me - think of how that feels!''

living in even the swankiest apartments sucks because you not only can hear everything your neighbors are doing [and i mean EVERYTHING] but they can hear you just as well. there is no privacy there. i need my privacy even at the expense of living out in a rattly tin can out in the middle of nowhere. at least i don't have to worry about other folks' bothersome intimate noises [there is lots of gunfire and engine noises out here, as well as barking dogs, though] nor worry about other people hearing my intimate noises. i can also listen to my music without immediately bothering anybody else, and vice-versa. if the guns or racing engines or barking gets too obnoxious, i can just turn up my music or turn on a large noisy box fan i keep for the purpose, and block it all out.

Ann2011: "stealth mode"... I like that. An apt description and it makes me realize I've done it a lot, too.

Shealth mode is something that I want to do more of in the future.

I can't stand the sound of the loud booming basses that some people do with their car, and so I try not to play my music too loud. I also don't like to cry in public, or around other people, because it gets their attention, and when I'm upset, the last thing I want is for people to come up to me and to try to figure out what's wrong, and why I'm upset.

Yes, I try to be as quiet as possible around others since there are so many noises that irritate me, I don't want to make a noise that irritates someone else. Chewing is a noise that really annoys me, so I'm very paranoid about my own chewing noises. The only thing I do that's loud is listen to music.

RW665: Wow. Cool Avatar!

What do y'all think of the below?

I'm really getting the idea that many (too many) of us have been repressing ourselves (pieces of what makes us human - including sometimes being noisy) in the name of 'do unto others as you'd have others do unto you' with the hopes of eliciting the kind of interaction/treatment(s) we need and want. We know most others in our lives don't 'hear' in the way/to the acute levels we do, yet we model behavior (using headphones, lowering our voices, not slamming doors, 'biting our tongue') - which often LIMITS us (even if just secondarily) hoping that others will be 'astute' enough to mimic such behavior. We've been 'told' in various ways that this demonstrative 'technique' is the best way to get a point across. ...That may have been true at one point (under circumstances/in an 'age' that seem now to be obsolete), but (for right now, at least) it seems more often damaging to the credibility (i.e. makes one appear 'weak') of one attempting such a 'technique'. In other words, it does more harm than good. (Maybe.) It would possibly be effective if the person/s it was being 'marketed' toward had the mentality/consensus necessary to actually be truly receptive to it.

I started thinking more seriously about this after noticing some changes in one of my room-mate's behavior. Upon first moving in, I'd set a precedent of 'modeling' quiet behaviors (incorrectly perceived as 'meekness') I'd hoped would be emulated. After some time of this - with a dismal 'failure' rate, I began 'acting out of character' - something that wasn't very easy, at first. If I'd been woken too early/rudely the previous day, I would copy the same behavior the next morning (ensuring my room-mate was awakened before wanting to be). If any of my belongings were 're-located' in a presumptive manner, I would do the same with my room-mate's 'equivalent' belongings. If sleep-disruptive lights were turned on/left on in the middle of the night, I'd be sure to do likewise the next night.

After only a relatively short time of doing such 'tit for tat' actions, almost all of the room-mate's disturbing behaviors had decreased - if not having been eliminated altogether (the only exception being that I had to still 'hide out' in my room to have uninterrupted reading). And why not? After all, any objections on the room-mate's part could easily be met with 'I'm just doing as you do' or some other supposedly unthinking reply. [Incidentally, that room-mate never did make any verbal objections to me.] But, what seems to be the funny thing in all of this is that, many times, behaviors that disturb/disrupt others are just challenges. Challenges to anyone around...like saying 'what're you gonna do about it?' or 'there ain't nothing you can do about it'. In a way, challenges can be a form of indulgence for some. 'Yep, I'm all that and here I be - making my noise upon the world'.

Maybe, to really 'change' people's ideas (thus, their resultant actions) about the 'okayness' of their various noisemakings, we'd have to first determine the 'motivations' informing their actions. If it's ignorance that causes others' noisemaking, it could be overcome through some educative/convesational effort or another (this 'kind' of 'motivation'/impulse/'compulsion' is one of the easiest to overcome...if it's not combined with a malicious attitude). It it's an unconcious challenge...the challenge might be best met with challenge of one's own, but in a firm-but-kind way. If it's a concious challenge...this is where it gets a little tricky, I s'pose. Dealing with confrontative attitudes can really bring out some things in ourselves we might rather not see. When it reaches this more 'serious' level, it seems to keep just boiling down to everyone having to decide for themselves. 'Non-Aspies' can (and very often do) get rules, policies, procedures, LAWS in place in order to keep from asking themselves how they might go about trying to tolerate the intolerable.

Yet, here an Aspie sits...trying to 'troubleshoot' some rude stranger's "motivations" in order to determine how we might better co-exist. I'm really beginning to think I just need to throw out the 'do unto others...' method. Yeah. And go live like auntblabby. Yeah!!

Anyway, maybe this is some food for thought for those of us who are trying to stay put in one place, to stand up for ourselves, to make a place - a community - other than going off to live in the trees. If 'modeling' the behavior we need others to emulate isn't working, there must be some other actions we could take. Actions that don't involve us overly compromising away our self hoods by constant yielding to others' whims or don't rely too heavily on an 'I-can-yell-louder-than-you' tactic.

...Virtual tokens of gratitude to those who post their tried-and-true human-noise-decreasing tactics.

Yes, I often operate in "stealth mode". Partly for the reasons of modeling behavior, but mainly because I just want to be left alone. Bringing attention to myself means social interaction.

@Dae: I sometimes do that "reverse modeling" you speak of. And it does seem to help more to show someone how their rude behavior looks. Actually I think the term is "mirroring".

In my home, I don't play things too loud unless it's something that everyone is enjoying. In my car, I blast the music though, when a song comes on that I like. The windows are up, it's fine. As for yard work, well I have neighbors with roosters. Another neighbor with a loud barking dog out all night long. Another one who revs his loud car over and over every morning before work. Another one that is an old, crazy Viet Nam vet who gets drunk and screams about "Charlie" in the yard at 3am. Sometimes he shoots guns in the air. I love to go out on a Saturday morning about 6am and start up that lawn mower! I'd like to make it louder!

Frances