First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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To notalice: Hi, dear. I guess that maybe a heart-to-heart talk with your fiance might clarify matters. As an Aspie, I sometimes feel that I'm not very good at giving advice. At home, I sometimes cover my ears when my family snap at me. I do so to soothe myself and also to signal to them--"See! You're so loud that you annoy me!" When I do so, I expect them to keep quiet immediately and get out of my sight. I'm sorry, dear, but NTs always call me silly when I try to explain my aggressiveness to them. I interpret punching the wall as "I want to punch you but I don't want to hurt you, so I punch something else to vent my anger" and banging my head against the wall as "I know that I'll get into deep trouble if I go pull your hair to bang your head against the wall, but I'll get into less trouble if I bang my own head instead". (Sorry for sounding so violent. I hope that your fiance's rationale isn't as violent as mine, so please talk to him when he is in a good mood.)
(Some NTs told me that when they lose their temper, they need to hear soothing voices that snap them out of anger. As an Aspie, soothing voices don't always work. To play safe, NTs should.... 1. Keep quiet. 2. Go away.)

Regarding the selfinjury: In consider myself a "prospect Aspie", and wait for doctors and others to provide their opinion. I have been making bitemarks, scrathing wounds, and other small-scale stuff when I was younger. Other than scratching the occasional small scar it seems I've grown out of it, and I had actually almost forgot that I used to have that habit with biting my arm.

Thank you, icyfire4w5. That makes a lot of sense. It can be very frustrating trying to reason with him when he gets to those extremes. My first instinct is to explain why I feel the way I do in those situations and ask him what he is feeling so we can resolve our issues right then. I'll try waiting until he is calm to try to talk to him.

I'm not an NT, but I was taken out of school for reasons similar to this.
The chick that said you were annoying? Don't even bother. This is an attitude that kids get in school when you aren't popular/part of the clique.
For reasons unknown to me, there were always these three girls who would call me a slut in school. I usually would come up with a comeback that involved either a word they didn't know the meaning of, or would confuse them. Trolling, if you like. I would say ignore them, but some times that just will not work. Just don't do what I ended up doing (and still do on occasion) and that is degrading yourself before they can.

I can tell you now, that chick said 'God, she's so annoying' as loud as she did so you could hear it, and so she could get satisfaction in you doing so.

TL;DR: she's being a dramatic arse and you should pay her no attention down the road.

My thinking is that, when he does those things, it's a form of taking time out from the situation. If he's been arguing with you and does that, don't approach him and try to help, because dealing with you is what he's trying to take a break from. Wait, take a break from the discussion, and don't resume it unitl you and he both are ready to renew the conversation without arguing.

I do think it's okay to discuss his reactions with him and some other time, separate from these incidents. But when they happen, it's best to let him have his space.

Divine providence would have a hand materialise out of thin air and slap her in the face for her uncalled for insolence, and rudeness. You did nothing wrong of course while she caused a problem and then was rude about it, so the fault is hers, any reasonable person would agree with that.
I get a sort of same thing at work, theres another guy with the same name as me, people are always shouting our names out meaning him though. Grrr

When I get into arguments with my mom and she yells at me, I can't handle it...I feel my ears tightening up (I don't even know if that's what happening, but that's what it feels like), my head hurts, and my heart rate rises. I usually end up covering my ears and pleading with her to stop yelling at me, but inevitably, I end up inadvertently raising my voice while asking her to stop yelling at me and she interprets this as disrespectful and in turn yells at me for that! Arguments with her typically don't end until one of us runs out of the room. But here's my main problem: I know when she's yelling, but I can never tell when I'm yelling until it's too late. When I get into a debate or discussion, it's virtually impossible for me not to raise my voice (primarily because I don't know I'm yelling, which I attribute partially to ASD and partially to my being part deaf), and while my friends have learned to live with it, my mom hasn't. Does anyone else have this problem? What should I do about it? Arguments with her tend to sprout up unexpectedly and it's hard for me to think through anything in the moment.

Question to NT's:

What is a friend? How do you know someone is a friend? What do friends do that they would not do as acquaintances?

Maybe a friend is someone who would come to your house specifically to see you, and you might go to theirs?

By the above definition, I am probably unable to have friends. However, those with more severe AS seem to be able to have friends, so there must be something else. Are there any specific emotions, actions, or vices associated with friendship? Is friendship the ship that will sink when boarded by too many stowaways? Can friendship be identified formally?

Not really enough to be problematic for me. Some very gentle head-banging. And I guess excessive (even for a kid) scab-picking. Sorry, I think that might be considered "gross," but that's how it was. Even as an adult, I cannot resist picking at my little skin imperfections.

Now, I'm actually an Aspie, but I think I have this one figured out. Suppose you were in some sort of trouble (think emotional crisis, financial difficulty, problems at school/work, stranded someplace because your car broke down or you missed the last train)

Now, who, besides family, do you absolutely know you could call for help, and they would do everything in their power to help you?

Those are your friends.

I'm not saying that's all there is to friendship, but I think that might be a way to differentiate between a friend and an aquaintance.

Hmm, funnily enough I have acquaintances who would do this, and have, and 'friends' who probably wouldn't.
I think a friend is someone you like to spend time with and they feel the same way.

I think my diagnosis just went up one step.

My general definition of friend, one that fits all the various different uses, is a friend is someone who sees you as good. There are different kinds of friendship, different things we mean when we use the word, but that seems to be the commonality.

And to say more than that requires talking about types of friendship, or friendship within a specific context.

I'm NTand I would say the following:

1. A friend is someone you like and who likes you.

2. Sometimes this is because you have things in common (hobbies etc) but it's not a requirement. You usually share something, else how would you meet and get to know them in the first place (school, uni, the workplace etc.)

3. You like them sufficiently,  and they like you sufficiently, to want to get to know each other better.

4. This involves spending time together. I am talking about real life friendship, not the online variety. I know nothing about that. 

5. The spending time together does not have to be at their house, or yours, it can happen elsewhere, at least for some time. Eventually there would be an expectation that you would welcome them into your home for visits, and they would invite  you for visits, too. the main point of spending time with each other is so you build up shared experiences, you see how the other person reacts in certain situations etc. These shared experiences in turn give you things to talk about. Plus you get a sense of whether the other person is trustworthy. A friend is someone you trust.

6. Once this has happened a few times, invitations become less formal, and you would feel able to say, can I come over tomorrow afternoon after (whatever) and we could do x, and they would feel able to say that to you too.

7. Between friends it is possible to make rules for that friendship, you can say, I'd prefer it if you didn't visit me unannounced, or, text me before you phone me to check if it's good time to phone. Someone who is "friendship material" will stick to the rules, even if they don't quite understand them.

8. As you get to know each other over time you may find things out about your friend that you don't like, or disagree with. Again, they will too, about you. Apparently studies have shown that this does not matter too much, that once we have decided to be friends we will continue to like them even if, say, their political views are fundamentally different from yours, or they start a relationship with someone you don't like. If it's a true friendship, and has been going for some years then the friendship would normally continue even if there are occasional arguments.

9. You can like someone instantly, but friendship is built over time. Think months and years not weeks.

10. Friendship involves mutual disclosure of personal information, again, over time, and not too much or too deep all at once. It's a process of give and take. Initially you might only talk about hobbies, school or uni, further down the line you might discuss likes and dislikes, even further down the line your hopes, dreams & fears, and so on. 

11. Emotionally, a friend is someone who you would really miss if you didn't have them anymore. A bit like family (if you like your family) but with the difference that you have chosen them and they have chosen you.

12. That may be how to distinguish them from acquaintances. You may like them too, but if they moved away or you didn't see them again this would not be painful.

13. Losing a friend is a painful experience, but far outweighed by the positives that come with having a friend.

14. I don't think you can have more than, say, 5 good/close friends, and you may have fewer, perhaps just one or two. One or two is absolutely fine. 

Hope this helps.