Missing out on life (trouble with self-confidence)

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My whole life, i always felt like everybody else was in on some "secret" to life that I was either being excluded from or couldn't figure out.

Most other people I know seem to sail through life effortlessly. It actually angers me to see my my peers and others I know carry on and have lives. I actually get extremely jealous when I see them have marriages, dating, relationships, gratifying employment they love, prospects for the future. It angers me because my own life has always been more static....... I am taking college classes now, so things are moving for me atm. It looks effortless to me how others seem to sail through life and enjoy it.

I feel like i will never have things I want like a healthy and enjoyable sexual relationship with a woman. The main problem is my huge lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Its like when I am actually ready to go make a proposition, I "choke up" and become a totally different person in my head then what I planned.

In my mind, I am Don Draper ready to put the moves on, but I go and actually try and do it, and I bumble about (I have AS btw) What I say comes out like, "D-d-d-d-do-do-do y-y-y-you want to go out with me" Its atrociously awful and embarassing how inept I am at talking to people, and girls especially. (I lack any substantial small talk to break the ice or anything good to say) ........ PS, if you have any good "opening lines," pickup lines, or icebreakers, it would be much appreciated (smiles)

I think more and more that my lack of self confidence began when I was about 11 or 12, and I realized that whenever I spoke to anybody, they perceived me as weird or different. Then, they would have a worse opinion of me then they would have had before had I not engaged them. Because of this, I mostly stayed neutral for the rest of my life and never engaged anybody more than I had to, so they would not realize what an oddity I was when I spoke and discussed things with them.

Before I was about 12 and had begun to develop a wider appreciation of the social world and how people perceived me, I was almost totally uninhibited and I would nearly engage everybody and go on about anything. Once I realized how "different" and weird I truly was, I became more and more gunshy. This I think started the rally that led me to gradually split off more and more from the pack.

I have always felt like everybody else was in on some secret, or had some "key" to life that I was totally missing. I always knew I was a different one growing up in some undefinable way. Worse, everybody in my life pushed hard to make me act more normal and "live up to my potential" I had uneven abilities growing up mentally and socially, and I was constantly being hounded to become proficient in areas I was handicapped in by AS.

I was constantly "drilled" by my parents and teachers to become better socially and in areas like Math my AS brain could not process. I was "crushed" terribly by negative teaching methods and massive punishments if I didn't "perform" as they wanted me to (for instance, I might lock up at some social event they had expectations for me at, and they'd punish me by taking away books or something) . They would prod me endlessly and threaten me endlessly with various things if I didn't learn math and sience, or succeed socially or at sports. Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I feel this harsh conditioning made me less confident and more likely to expect a negative consequence from any action I might make.

I feel like I'm missing out on life because of AS and the corollary of having no confidence to initiate things in my life. I want so badly to have a marriage, a job I enjoy, but I have none of these things.

Thanks for reading.

I have struggled with self esteem for as long as I can remember. Through therapy, I can rationally tell myself that I am worthy and capable person but self esteem issues run so deep it's very hard to overcome on an emotional level. It becomes hardwired I think. They say try small things and build up your confidence that way. I know there are things I can do that I once thought I could never do.

You sound like you're more like me, the nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD) strain of AS. Woohoo, it's the funnest one of all, as you know everything there is to know, but are powerless to execute any of it. If you're like me, you tend to beat up on yourself for everything ever, as you KNOW the right way to do it, damnit, and it should come out that way, just it didn't.

Anyway, my coping strategy for me is, I tend to just try to get really good at various activities other people aren't good at to compensate for the random mundane activities I suck at. So I've taken up automotive repair, cooking, working out in various ways, figure skating, cycling, lots of stuff. Basically, I try to get exceptionally good at certain things I like doing, just sorta as compensation for the things I'm bad at. It makes your self esteem slightly better if when others put you down, you can go "well he probably can't do _____ so he's an idiot anyway." I don't know, in life, maybe the key to a successful life is ignoring everyone else ever and not letting yourself be influenced by others? Or maybe not. For me, anyway, getting good at various things has been my coping strategy. I can say "I am good enough" a bazillion times in the mirror, and it's not gonna do anything, I sorta have to prove to myself I am good enough.

I don't know, it's probably pretty not good advice from someone almost in the same boat as you. For me, specifically my problem with girls, isn't the initial approach, I can sorta do the initial approach, I guess, just I figure she wouldn't want to be with me longterm, as I have too many problems and oddities and whatever. So I'm more afraid of the failure of it. However, if I were to just make a sport out of it and just had sex with as many girls as often as possible, I'd probably be great if I tried at it. Maybe this is what "NTs" do? Part of our gunshyness is justified, 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce. So odds aren't really in your favor, you know?

I have felt like this for a long, long time...

I have a degree in mathematics and I still clam up at the prospect of taking simple timed multiplication tests, as my childhood school district has ensured that I have become completely traumatized by them.

I won't lie to you, though NTs do have their problems, and do occasionally struggle, they do tend to sail through life with respect to the things you speak about.

To many, it would never occur to them that someone might not have a group of friends or date in high school. Or that someone might not fall into a job, or get married and have kids. They are under the impression that these things happen naturally, and to them, it does because it's part of their innate neurological programming, which they are completely unaware of.

Of course if one doesn't have this programming, they generally are just inclined to sit by an occasionally wonder "why don't these things just happen to me?" As they observe them happening to everyone else. The answer to that is, everyone else is doing things at certain times in their life that you are not doing.

Luckily for you, however there are many aspects of socialization that can be learned, and in most instances, all you have to do is give the impression that you have this same innate programming. In other words, you can be taught to emulate this programming to some degree.

Approaching people (girls I imagine): It's a rather good thing that you've not been able to say "Want to go out with me?" Because that is not a proposition that should be made to someone who doesn't know you well.

If your social skills are where you say they are at, you first need to work on the basics. College offers a nice environment to do this with because there are so many people to talk to, who are also interested in talking to you, or people in general.

You can start with your classmates by saying things like...
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Did you finish the homework?"
"So, what's your major?"

Keep in mind that none of these phrases are out of context and no one would think it abnormal for you to say them. They are typical things people say to classmates in college, so try not to worry about them making you stand out in a negative way. You can practice saying them smoothly if you have problems with delivery.

Speaking of which, delivery is very important in a social setting and something people on the spectrum frequently struggle with. But just like comedians practice how to deliver their jokes, and actors practice how to deliver a scene, you can practice how to deliver basic social lines. Practice in front of a mirror or record yourself. Perhaps even take an acting class, not to learn how to be someone else but to learn how to speak with confidence, in an environment where any social awkwardness would just be mistaken for poor acting skills.

On a last note, you have a lot of social opportunity right now and that will greatly diminish after college. There are things you want to do socially while you're still young I assume. Experiences you want to have, so here is the way I look at it; you can take a few "risks" and reach out to people more socially, and give yourself a chance at getting that social life you would like, or, you can do what you've always done, go back into that proverbial corner, and watch as your life passes you by.

Your choice.

This is a very readable thread. The comments are candid and sincere. Without delving into a prolix harangue at my own shortcomings and insecurities, I can say comfortably, that I relate to a lot of the feelings described above.

Exactly this. And the rest of the post.

I still think there is an 'Asperger's secret', that everyone knows but I don't. As for 'missing out on life' or 'having a life', my dad told me if you're not literally dead, you have a life.

But seriously, I totally agree with this thread.

Yes, even as a very young child I wondered what it was that they knew that I didn't.

I agree taking college classes is a big social opportunity for me atm. I am 27 and moving on from my youth, and I think I am in the last of my "window of opportunity" to be able to carry on with college-age girls and it not be too creepy, with too much of an age gap.

Sadly, I wasted several years trying occupations I was horribly unsuited for thanks to AS (failure everywhere). I was also coping with some severe depression, crippling family problems............ and gradually getting some income, life skills, a vehicle on track before I was ready to go out and catch up with the other adults.

I remember reading once that people with Aspergers are socially behind 4 or 5 years in their social development from their peers, and right now I feel like i still have the mindset and look of a 21 or 22 year old. When I was about 17, I definitely had the mental and personal presentation of a 12 year old. When I was 10, I acted about 5, etc, etc. Growing up I was very socially underdeveloped, and this caused so many problems.

It was an even bigger problem for me, since, as was said above, I do have some intellectual and physical gifts, but all of these only made my authority figures in my life grind me in to the ground even harder to try and maximize my potential. Certain things I do well only made others want to mold me and agonize trying to develop me in the way they wanted. I would give glimpses of some potential, just to give people grief trying to draw the rest out that they assumed was in there somewhere. My Parents for instance felt I was just simply not trying or "bored with subjects that did not interest me" Different teachers and bosses i had tried so hard to mentor me, and raise me in my lacking areas to become "a complete individual"

I completely identify with just "Knowing what to do, but not being able to execute." Mentally, I can definitely analyze and figure anything up, but my social execution is so woeful. In the last 3 years or so, I feel I've matured and my social skills and conversational topics have definitely improved from where I was about age 20 or so. I have done similar and memorized so many lines of "small talk" (Sadly i think my lines and delivery are still lacking and they don't strike a chord with girls)

I think for most people, getting jobs, married, kids, is as natural and expected as hitting puberty, so they can barely even contemplate that some people don't do these things. I know they know that there are such stunted people out there who don't naturally progress, but they don't give them much thought or they just breeze past them.

I have some more thoughts but If this is too much longer no one will read it........ :s
(thanks for your responses.)

Forget American women, Start on online business, move overseas , don't worry about the age gap.

I'm 27 years old too and have done nothing in my life. I know exactly how you feel.
It is very lonely and depressing.
I wish you luck in your classes and with meeting new people.

Advice on engaging women:

If she's walking down the hall/street/whatever don't shout at her from behind. Don't stand in front of her or get in her way. Walk next to her. This seems common sense to most, but to a lot of us it isn't.

Pick up lines are stupid. It's just over kill. A simple "Hey" is good. "Good Morning". "Good Afternoon"
The move in with the big sexy "How is you day going?" If you still got the interest peaked move into
jobs, schools, etc. etc. And you may get a number (rare). It's all in the body language.

Don't rant on about yourself. Don't talk yourself up, or seem way too interested in her. Just keep the conversation moving.
Natural, smooth.

Shower, brush teeth, pop pimples, etc. etc. Wear some speed stick. Smile. Pay attention.

Sounds simple right? Yeah it is.... for neurotypical people.

I don't do any of this for s**t. In fact the exact opposite in most cases.
I know what I need to do, I just can't. Just as 1000knives said.

Haha, body language? More like another language.