What is "social inappropriateness"

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This is really bothering me. Ever time I see a learning support person at my school (mostly to help with time management difficulties) I later hear feed back from my main counsellor that I can't possibly be on the spectrum because I seem so socially appropriate. What the heck does it mean, then, to be socially inappropriate? Both times I went for a diagnosis, I was pinned on the spectrum (and not mildly so). The first time with Aspergers and the second time with Classic Autism (after learning my already-delayed speech disappeared until I was almost 5 1/2.) My Mom taught me manners. And made SURE we all followed manners--it was VERY engrained into us. Autistic people are not necessarily jerks, and that is how I feel people are perceiving it when they say I am not "socially inappropriate" so I mustn't be autistic. I say please and thank you, but I RARELY speak. I do talk quite a bit with my counsellor, but not even close to as much with my learning support person (I basically just answer yes or no questions or give simple answers to other questions). I hardly ever talk in public or to people not in my immediate family that I live with. I rarely show emotion, and most of the time when I smile it is fake (and used often at wrong times). I've been told before I asked or said some things I shouldn't have said (usually around my parents). Since I don't talk much at those meetings (I've only been to 3 or 4), she wouldn't have had enough opportunities to see me do this. I don't have social anxiety, but I also have no desire to interact with others at all. So, what actually does qualify as socially inappropriate? And why does she keep questioning my diagnosis when I have gone through the testing and was diagnosed twice? I fit all of the symptoms, and I am beginning to get frustrated!

When your counsellor says you act socially appropriate, it means you don't appear awkward in social situations. You don't mess up enough to stand out.

If you weren't so quiet, you might "put your foot in your mouth" more and "blend out" better.

I don't know if you are capable of "opening up" to your counselor, but a good long rant about your special interest might set them straight and clear up their suspicions.

Dont worry too much about it and just bring your dx with you all the time and hand it when necessary. A couple of months ago I had to convince a psychologist my daughter dos have AS. Only when she heard the name of the neurologist (a very respected one in our country) she said "Ok. If she says your daughter has AS, then she must. I know her and I trust her dx". What the f**k? They are not specialists but they dare telling you all you lived is a lie. After 3 years of therapy off course our daughter behaves very differently, but unless they see you having a meltdown or so they dare to tell you that dx is wrong. I am sure you mom did a good job teaching you manners. Temple Grandin's mom did a good job with her, too. That does not mean you do not have AS. Dont allow them to tell you who you are.

Well yeah I agree just because you have the diagnosis, doesnt mean you cant have manners. However you had parents that ingrained it very well into you, most people on the spectrum dont have that. Unfortunately the aspie stereotype is being rather rude and unaware of themselves, being somewhat of a slob. Or I was reading an asperger and employment book and it was going into how badly socially unaware aspies can be. That we can be rude, slobby, etc. Not always true. Here's the thing I believe, manners can be taught but all the social empathy, TOM stuff cant always be taught very well.

Socially appropriate, what a nice compliment.

Even Temple Grandin has socially appropriate behavior. I can remember my mother telling me she acts very appropriate. that's because her mother drained those skills into her growing up, being taught manners and all.

I also think people on the spectrum may be over appropriate, know what I mean? They may be too polite because they were taught those manners growing up.

I often get that about my ADHD. "But you appear to be so well-mannered!"

I hate to think about how people seem to assume and accept that intentional misbehaviour is ADHD.

I am almost over-polite, so much so that I sometimes wonder if I seem patronising. I'm not certain I'm on the spectrum, though.

Attwood suggests that this behaviour is to make sure that you don't attract any attention, and it doesn't preclude a diagnosis. I'd agree with that, I can't bear confrontation and over the years people have definitely taken advantage of my trusting and conciliatory nature (usually, but not always).

Don't even try with the social appropriateness, there is no way in hell that you can get it right.

As an example the other day there was a discussion about the nature of pain in my University forum, and someone wrote: "I wonder if there are differences in perceptions of pain between genders...could this explain the man-flu".

She seemed to be joking so, with my tongue firmly in my cheek, I replied with: "Yes, man flu is in a class of its own and there is no other pain that can ever compete with it, as any man will tell you!"

For that I got a slap on the wrist by the forum tutor and I received an email from said tutor saying that what I had said was offensive to the males in the group and that my reply had been deleted. Meanwhile the other persons original comment that I replied to remained as she thought they had a point with the gender difference even if they used the wrong example.


IT WAS A JOKE

JOKE

TONGUE IN CHEEK

NOT SERIOUS

For crying out loud!

I had already mentioned a study about gender differences (a scientific one that had nowt to do with man flu) in one of my earlier posts but it was completely ignored by everybody including the tutor.

Same group I got my wrist slapped in for making too many posts asking questions etc.

I have now changed degrees. I am completing the module although I don't feel I am going to be marked or treated fairly, but I won't be pursuing the health sciences degree after all. I have moved over to psychology (an older interest of mind) instead. Although I am also considering returning to archaeology...which I can still do. I will think about it over the next few months maybe.

So don't even try with the social appropriateness, you can never win.

I wouldn't mind but man flu is a long running joke that has been used by comedians like Lee Evans for example...surely no one takes it seriously?

As far as I know, many autistic people are capable of learning and applying social rules, especially social rules explicitly taught to us by our parents, e.g. manners. I would not take these people seriously when they question your diagnosis.

Not nessisarly, I mean there are some social rules I know but cannot apply......because either I don't think about it, or I can't bring myself to act on the knowledge. Like eye contact I know not making eye contact can seem rude, dishonest or whatever but that does not make me able to do it......Its severly uncomfortable for me to try and make eye contact with people I don't know and if I think about making eye contact I won't be able to follow what they're saying.

Me neither, but some people seem to be able to apply the rules that they have learned, basic manners much more so than complex systems of rules.

I'm always intrigued by NTs who think that people with AS/Autism all exhibit one specific set of traits, and that if you don't exhibit all of those traits, then you can't possibly be AS/Autistic. As for being "socially appropriate." well, we're not all raving lunatics! We can behave quite sensibly when needed. In fact, we can become very adroit at mimicking appropriate NT behavior for the situations we are in. Also, on any given day we can feel and react differently to the world around us, just like NTs—imagine that!

I'm over polite too. I do still say things impulsively and have social awkwardness.

I don't know how anyone can say you can't be autistic. I get so sick of people saying you can't have autism because you do this one thing.
My sister said that she didn't think what I had was Asperger's when I was talking about being diagnosed with ADHD. That's another thing I hate: people not believing you can have both disorders.

Yes that pisses me off. My last ex acted like someone can't have AS and also have other disorders like learning difficulties or anxiety because he say things like "That's not AS" 'I don't see how you can have it" because I sucked at algebra. I should have thrown it back at him by saying "That's not Asperger's, that's social anxiety" and "I don't see how you can have it if you are poor with spelling." But I didn't think of it at the time. When I think about it, I think I did throw it back at him by telling him he doesn't have good self help skills either for this reason or that reason since he thought my self help skills were poor so I couldn't have AS. Ironically he had learning difficulties himself since he had some dyslexia in him and he was poor in English and he had depression and anxiety. Yeah I'm not with him anymore. He was a big hypocrite.


It always bugs me when someone tells an aspie something isn't AS as if they think you can only have one disorder when they display a symptom that is part of another condition. Only time I find it appropriate to say that is if they are trying to blame things on their AS that isn't even that or trying to list all their symptoms that are AS.

I think people who say you cannot have AS because this or that is just ignorant; they donot know much about AS. AS is not an illness. It does not have a set of specific "symptoms". It is a syndrome. It is a group of characteristics. But not all people show the same characteristics. I have even read about people with AS who has good social skills. I think thats why its so hard to diagnose.