How should an NT greet an Aspergian?

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If someone likes talking to me, I need them to tell me that they like talking to me or I will miss it. If someone is pleased to see me I need them to tell me they are pleased to see me or I will miss the cues. Cryptic clues go straight over my head. I prefer people to be direct.

The lady in question may or may not be the same.

How about just telling them they like them lol. It is much easier than all this trying to guess.

I mean really, why can't people just come out with it and tell you stuff instead of playing a game of mental charades.

It has 3 words, three syllables...it's a state of mind...

Can ya tell what it is yet? (in the words of Rolf Harris)

Does anyone here live in the South in the United States? From what I've heard, people down there are pretty open about their feelings, such as when they ask "How are you doing?" they actually like to hear an honest answer to the question.

People have told me that I should move there, that my openness and values are similar to the Southern Hospitality thing, but the last two times I tried to even visit were stymied.

Unfortunately, not clearly conveying our fondness for someone else is another one of those "games" that we NTs play. If I were to come right out and say I like/love someone without being completely, completely, completely sure that they reciprocate those feelings, I risk their reaction, which can range anywhere from awkwardness and skepticism to downright revulsion. Even I've never received those reactions personally, I've heard enough horror stories to be reasonably (at least to me, anyways) afraid.

So, we just assume that they know we like/love them by the way we treat them.

However, I can see now what a bunch of BS that game is. If learning about AS has taught me anything, it's taught me how much better the world would be if only we exercised sincerity and being truthful in everything we say or do.

I believe it to be a little more complicated than that. This is a complex idea (for me, at any rate) that I may have to rant about for a minute, so please forgive me if I'm not very concise.

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This is not just a "game" that humans play, it's something that confuses the crap out of everyone, NTs included.

Hollywood media, in particular, continually promotes the idea that there is "the one" person who is perfect for you, that you only need find each other to "fall in love," which you both will "just know" when it happens, and then everything will be perfect.

Which couldn't be father from the truth. Quite frequently, one human "knows" that they have found "the one," when the other does not, and does not feel the same at all. One sided pursuit of unrequited "love" or even friendship is a creepy, scary thing for the pursued. So just blurting out that you "love" someone is a really good way to scare people. Unless they also have an unspoken crush on you, they are likely to start worrying that you are going to stalk them, or worse.

A more respectful way to convey your feelings is to first ask the other person if you can pay them a compliment, or if you can express some personal feelings. Too often, a human skips the step where you say "I find you interesting. Would you like to go have coffee sometime and talk about life?" and jumps straight to "I love you, I think about you all the time." Asking first if they even want a compliment indicates an inherent respect for the opinions and goals of a person, whereas blurting your feelings out objectifies them as a mere receptacle for your emotions.

Reality is that good relationships are built on trust, mutual support, compromise and hard work,¹ in an environment free from dominance. Old fashioned dating is very useful for starting this process. You get together in a neutral location. Each person provides their own transportation so one does not feel trapped by the other. You talk about what you both want out of life. A few dates later, if you find yourselves in agreement, you indicate that you might be interested in becoming intimate with them, if they are also so inclined. Then you talk about what you each want out of an intimate relationship. If you find yourselves in agreement, then you can move forward, together.

For me, when I was dating, this meant that I had to be very clear with a person beforehand that I never wanted to live with them or have children, and that I wasn't interested in hanging out more than once or twice a week. This automatically ended the prospect for most of the prospective relationships I could have been in, which saved me in advance from a lot of abusive grief from codependent, domineering partners.

A couple of friends of mine are having this problem right now. They rushed into their relationship, and rushed into making compromises trying to please the other², desperate to fufill their obsessive desire of the other. They live together. Now, two years later, they are trapped with conflicting interests. If they had made the time to discuss their wants and needs beforehand, they would not have started dating in the first place. And would not be continually hurting each other now.

Even during a relationship, humans stumble into playing these "games" by not talking about what they currently feel and want out of the relationship. An effective antidote to this is to have regular intentional date nights together, where you specifically talk about how you both feel about the relationship, right now. Call is a "State of the Union" date. A good model for a State of the Union is to have dinner together and then cuddle on the couch while you both air your concerns and share what you think is working well. The cuddling offers support that tempers the complaints, and knowing in advance takes the abusive one sidedness out of the situation.

Setting up a State of the Union with advance notice helps to take the dominance and abuse out of airing your differences with each other. When one human bottles up their complaints & then suddenly springs them upon the other in a fit of passion, the other is backed into a corner. They are surprised and likely to retaliate in kind instead of listening, because they are under attack. If you both know you are going to be talking about the relationship for a few days beforehand, then you can meet on equal terms. Share your feeling with each other instead of attack and counterattack.

To exacerbate this problem, most people don't know exactly what they want or what their boundaries are. They just "know" that they "need" to find "the one," and then they will magically be happy. It might help to write a list of what your boundaries are, and what you want out of a relationship. Maybe two lists, one for dating and one for just friends. Friendship and dating doesn't have to be accidental. One of the best (albeit short lived) relationships I ever had, the other person made such lists and then consulted her friends, to see if they knew anyone who fit her requirements. We got on very well, until I had some experience that changed me and drew us apart. But the parting went well, as we had State of the Union dates every month, and we were able to split before we started abusing each other. So we stayed friends afterwards. It was an ideal breakup.

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¹ Four good reasons why I don't engage in dating anymore. I'm especially not very interested in compromise.
² One needs monogamy to be happy, the other polyamory. One wants to socialize constantly, the other wants to stay at home and be productive with projects. They both need a partner that has the same interests and will accompany them with their (conflicting) interests.

Well I don't really care......however if someone says 'hey, how are you doing' and then walks away when you try to answer it does irritate me because its like if you don't wanna know don't ask. So yeah I don't really care how people greet me, I just prefer if people who don't plan on sticking around greet me.

I'm sure my girlfriend (who is diagnosed as AS ) would appreciate a simple "hello".

I think any greeting is fine really as long as it isn't something like "How's it hanging" or saying "You alright?" then walking off.

Yeah just don't be weird or ask questions you don't need answers to.

I loathe that sentiment. The notion that "falling in love" is nothing short of a sweeping, supernatural high that overtakes you whether or not you intend for it to happen, and that "you just know" when you've found The One is a bunch of rubbish. And so many folks I know are afraid to leave abusive, poisonous, and unhealthy relationships, simply because due to the excuse: "But I love him/her!"

I was quite intentional in picking my husband, because he exemplified the qualities I sought. I may not have "fallen in love" with him at first, but I grew to love him so very much.

Will my love story make a tearjerking Lifetime movie? I doubt it, but I we are far happier together than most of our contemporaries who just "fell in love one day."

People lie to themselves a lot. That doesn't change the purity of love.

Greet that person the same way you would greet anybody Else. Make sure you don't use sarcasm and you are respectful.
Listen to their response and don't ignore them. I know I don't want to be treated special. The last thing I would want is for everyone to know that I had aspergers. It would be embarrassing.

Heck, people ask that question and walk away (continue on their way) before a person even has time to even get out the word "fine" without having to shout it at the person.

There's also plenty enough people who don't care if you don't bother to answer the question at all, even if they haven't walked away. I often respond to it with a greeting without any sort of actual answer. That usually works fine. Though occasionally there are people who boldly insist on going through the politeness ritual.

I want more people like this gal.

I greet everyone the same way. If there is a potential for tension (like being a white man on the corner of Caesar Chavez Drive and MLK Boulevard), I use humor, to break it.

The previous for example, was humor. I think.