Difficulty forming connections

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I was wondering, so a lot of us desire to form connections. But is the reason why we are unable to form connections "just" cause we lack social skills? Or there's something in our brains were those connections either just dont form or they are far and few in between? Even "with" social skills, we dont form connections very well?

I am not sure why not. I find it interesting that some people I know tell me they feel like we've connected, but I have no idea what they're talking about. I might enjoy talking to them, and maybe that's what they mean?

Or do I understand your usage of "connection" correctly?

I can only connect with people honestly. Most people are scared to be honest. Most NTs use the hierarchy, it takes a rare brilliant exception to use the real world.

Yeah, it's in the brain. Everything you do depends on your body.

I don't think it's simply a matter of social skills. While "social skills" are typically necessary to forming connections with most people, they aren't sufficient. And, most people don't form 'connections' with most other people, so it isn't simply a matter of social skills at play.

So, what is that something else?

I'm thinking it's emotional reciprocity and being able to relate to people on a fundamental level. By this, I'm thinking about "mirror neurons" where you internalize their emotional state and subconsciously know the right emotional response, and react in real time. This 'rapport' is something that happens quickly and subconsciously and, for the most part, can't be learned as it's not a conscious process. There's also the problem of relating to other people and this is where similarity comes into play. Similarity comes in the form of similar backgrounds, similar ways of thinking and perception and similar interests. Many with autism are simply vastly different from other people in a way that most people aren't, so this creates a large problem with connecting.

Also, I think there might actually be lower levels of oxytocin or some other "socialization" neurochemical in autistics, which leads to less bonding. So, even if rapport is established and there's a divine similarity, I think it's quite possible that two autistic best friends would still be less "connected" than two neurotypical best friends. So, there could also be a neurochemical "deficiency" at play.

See Im not NT, so I dont know what the norm is, I dont have a correct conception of how NTs are suppose to connect. I was referring to the slightest emotional connection you might feel when your with people. Im not referring to a deep connection. Sometimes we as aspies, find all the socializing to be more bothersome. I was wondering if it was because we dont connect very well. Its hard to explain. I was just wondering. Us aspies tend to connect more around subject based interests.

I only connect intensely. Far more intensely than NTs.

Right, I only really enjoy talking about things I'm interested in, and doing so is very enjoyable. Sometimes find after a particularly exhausting conversation in which I had someone processing their emotions in my direction, they say things about how they may have felt a connection, but I feel exhausted.

I've encountered something else online in which someone will decide that something I said means they identify with me, somehow. In reciprocation, I usually only find a few things in common, and mostly have no idea what they mean again. I've run into people here, however, whom I feel are similar enough that I guess I could say I relate to them, and some of them have said they can relate to me, but I don't think any of us have ever had a "connection," and that doesn't seem particularly necessary in the way NTs seem to expect.

Thank you for the elaboration.

Precisely and it's hard to explain this......I am quiet/shy but I really do like (most) people and get along well. I especially enjoy interesting people! Those who are intelligent and insightful. I am very polite and can be even formal.

Like the others wrote, I really do not know what that 'connectedness' is or ought to be. This might be related: I really like men and there are some I like better than others. I am sexually normal, etc. Rarely, and I do mean rarely, do I get a crush on a man (in fact maybe never). I'm not even certain what a 'crush' means.

Related, and I've considered this recently, I know NTs woman have this 'girls night'* thingy. Never have I experienced such a thing and I do not really understand the concept. I guess they gather to do their nails (?) or talk about doing their nails/hair. Or other topics in women's magazines that I find inane. Or emotiveness that I really am not privy to anyway. I am a scientist.

* We need an Aspies night

I've heard NTs say, for instance, "I really clicked with him/her." What does that mean? I think the worst is when I truly like and care for a person, regarding them as my friend, and then learn that person really does not at all like me - that hurts. Do they not realise their superficialness?

Mostly I like to be with those who have similar interests where that's what matters.

interesting perspective......I dont think the problem here is an inability to connect with people.
I think there is a difficulty in normalising NT methods of connection as opposed to AS methods of connection.....what is normal for NT is not normal for AS people. If you use the NT connection method to connect you will find you are left frequently frustrated.

What is normal AS behaviour for AS is normal for me....what more would you expect from me?

dont pathologise yourself by normailising non AS behaviour.
you can mimmick and copy it but dont think it is normal.

I will normally be quite apathetic but occasionally connect intensely (maybe too intensely and too quickly) when I "click" with someone. In general I can come across as pretty nt but can be very "dyslexic" on the rules of friendship and especially relationships. All good fun...

Honestly, i never felt a need or desire to connect with human beings. I suppose otherwise i would have taken some efforts to develop social skills. But why should a blind person learn about colors?

Im referring to the chemicals that is being created in an NT brain when connecting. Im not referring to social skills or behavior. Is it oxytocin, do autistics really have a lack of it? I know I dont feel a connection with very many people. Many times, when I interact, it becomes more functional, its not enjoyable, its just done and so be it. I was wondering, do many aspies/autistics just don't form connections chemicals? I know some aspies dont have the need for human connection or a lot of us have a much decreased need and thats fine but what about us aspies that still do? I've learned my way to faking some social relativeness with people but it becomes more of a chore then an enjoyable experience.

yeah i dont think it is oxytocin, more for milk and other smooth muscle contractions not really a known and recognised neurotransmitter.

AS dont feel a connection with others because we dont feel a connection with others- this is pretty normal for me...but I know for a lot of AS women they still want to and feel a need to but cant seem to figure out why they cant.

Its like a colour blind person running through a red light, they see it, and learn that when the top light is showing then it is time to stop but they just dont see the red and until they figure this out they crash a bit.

its not a connection chemical/ neurotransmitter problem or lack there off it is just AS. We connect and because we have learned to connect through learned methods and not innate methods it is spotted by other non AS. we mimmick and bumble our way thorugh and sometimes get somewhere but it feels faked because it is.

it isnt a real need to connect and failing to do so that is the problem, it is thinking we need to connect at all and trying to do so when we dont feel an innate need to. ( think gay guy trying to act straight)

it is a chore becuase it is an effort....because it isnt naural.

dont be afraid to be normal for an AS person and prehaps not need to connect all of the time. and then when you have recgarged with some down time then you can go out and act and connect with the effort and chore that it takes.

hope this helps-

I find the idea of lowered oxytocin interesting. It makes me think about how a person's neuro-chemistry (i.e levels of neurotransmitters like oxytocin) doesn't just shape/affect their experience, it's also shaped by their experience. (Simple example: If a person's actions result in a desired outcome, their brain produces dopamine.) I don't know how much repeated experiences affect a person's baseline neuro-chemistry over time, but I imagine there would be some affect....a sort of "subconsious learning"/"programming" or "priming of neural pathways".

I find it difficult to believe that humans are born with fully developed mirror neuron systems that are just waiting to be activated/used....I think the mirror neuron system, like so many others involved in social understanding, has to be programmed by experience. Kids whose early experience is social isolation and severe abuse can look autistic in terms of their empathy and ability to "connect" with others, and this suggests that there's an underlying developmental process which needs to happen for any human being, autistic or not, to develop a fully functioning mirror neuron system and to feel "connected" to other people. If that developmental process can be derailed by abuse/neglect, presumably it could (in autism) be derailed by other things, too.

I wonder if maybe the fundamental (genetically determined and developed in-utero...?) neuro-anatomical differences that people with ASDs have make us less likely to respond to NT-style interactions the way NTs do; Our brains process the information in social interactions differently, and whatever happens in the way an autistic brain processes the interaction doesn't result in typical development of the neural circuitry (involving the mirror neuron system) required to feel "connected" as often/the same way as NTs do.

If oxytocin is produced when these neural circuits are activated by what we perceive of our experiences, our oxytocin levels could be consistently lower than normal simply because our information processing differences have resulted in under-development of those neural circuits.....It's a "Which came first: the chicken or the egg?" sort of idea for me ("Which came first in autistic social cognition/experience: the atypical production of neurotransmitters, or the atypical development of neural circuitry that uses and produces those neurotransmitters?")

If it were a matter of NTs and people with ASDs processing information differently, then it might not be the case that autistic people lack the capacity to develop or experience the same kinds of social "connections" as NTs do....Maybe the reason we don't feel "connected" like NTs is that we can't process the same kinds of information, in the same ways, that they do.

I wonder: If we were given different information during social interactions (or given the same information in different forms, different quantities, or at different rates) maybe our neurological systems that produce feelings of "connected-ness" would reach a level of development that more closely matched the level of development and functional activity found in NT brains....?

I don't know if I have trouble forming connections. I have difficulty understanding what those connections mean.

Sometimes I feel very connected to a person, but I find out they don't feel it or interpret it the same way I do.

Other times, it is the opposite, the other person feels connected to me but I don't experience it the way they do. I'd say most of the time, when other people feel connected to me, I find it suffocating.

I don't connect casually, if I connect to someone I want it to be very close. Maybe I just don't recognize connections that are "less" than that because they don't interest me.