Can you tell by looking at someone if they are an NT or not?

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You sound like my therapists and psychiatrists.

They seem to think if my depression goes away so will my social problems. But that does not help me with not knowing how to make friends so that I can ease my loneliness.

Just being around people is not enough as I do not enjoy socialising for socialising sake. I only enjoy talking with people I can connect with or share a bond with. I only really want a lover that I can feel close to and share some companionship with. I may be open to having one other close friend but I tend to lose interest in friends when I have a lover or partner because most of my focus goes on them. The down side to my nature is that I become a bit obsessive with them in the same way that I become obsessive with my hobbies. This freaks them out and they run a mile.

The only way I can get around that is to be with someone I don't love, as I do not get obsessive with someone I am not bonded with, I can take them or leave them but I am not happy with someone I do not love. Even with friends I need to be bonded with them to want to socialise with them. The only exception is that I like finding people I can talk about my interests with but am not interested in talking about anything else and as long as their emotional state is ok and they are not in need of assistance in some way I am not interested in the fine detail of their life. I really do try to be as it is expected but I admit I am a jerk who is only interested in my own interests. My brain has its own agenda and it does not like to be bothered with the mundane natterings of others.

When people do stop and talk to me I usually find it to be an inconvienence unless I wanted to talk to them. I need it to be on my own terms all the time and cannot abide people calling round unexpectedly. I prefer that they call me and arrange a time that is convenient for me.

I think I am going to have to admit it, if I am NT I am a self absorbed anally retentive ass. I guess I was hoping I wasn't as its a hard thing to swallow ya know? I really hate hurting people and do not like to see people suffering and am always willing to help people if they urgently need help, but to realise that I am just a selfish self obsessed twat and to realise that, despite my attempts to bend over backwards for people and try my best to be a kind and caring person, that I can never change that because I cannot get my brain to drop its own agenda or fascinations to be interested enough in others is heart breaking.

I am going to hell when I die because I cannot change who I am.

I cannot make freinds or find a lover so I cannot rid myself of my depression, and even ridding the depression does not help me. It really hit home the other day when I thought I was stranded as well just how alone I am. That there was no one I could call to give me a lift or help me out. There was no one. If I had not burst into tears in the middle of the supermarket and if someone had not helped me out by calling a taxi for me I would have been stuck there all night not knowing how to get home until the next day. It scared me and to know I can do nothing about it because I cant stop being an ass is even more terrifying.

I am well and truely lost.

I have tried so hard to try and get socialising right over the years and to be accepted:

I learned many facial expression and tones of voice from people like lee Evans because they are very funny and make people laugh.

I also mimicked stuff that I saw Madonna do because I was a massive fan of hers for most of my teens and I tried to make freinds by copying her. She seemed to have this social thing down pat.

Then I copied some small talk from people at bus stops such as "nice sunny day isn't it today" and watched and saw that they asked each other questions so I tried this on a taxi driver the other day. I asked him how his XMas was in an attempt to be socialble. Unfortunately the conversation dried up partly because I could not hear what he said over the sound of the car engine (so I just had to nod and smile and stare out of the window feeling like I a nit) and secondly because I had nothing else to ask about. It was not a sunny day and I had already asked about the recent holiday and was out of questions. But I guess I made an attempt at least so that is better than nothing.

Then I always made a point of asking and checking with people if they wanted me to do something in case there was something I was supposed to be doing.

I learned to force myself to make at least minimal eye contact.

I made sure to answer people when they spoke to me but got that wrong because then I started responding to everything everyone said and people just thought I was argumentative or trying to always get the last word.

I cared for my disabled mother for 12 years because (she became disabled in her old age) because I loved her and I did not want to see her alone. No other family members would help but even so my family pretty much still hates me.

I always say please and thank you and hold doors open for people.

I use some body language but do not really know what it means so I cannot change the image I give out as I do not know how to do so. Actually I had to watch the recording back myself to see what my body language was doing as I am not aware of my body language most of the time. I am usually to busy wading around in my own head to know what I am doing outwardly.

I think I will stay locked in my own little world as I can at least have some fun there. I can babble away on webcam and online as I am alone technically. I am not socialising I am merely rambling to myself or to an inanimate object...I can talk to inanimate objects, they don't confuse me. I do not have to interact with a webcam or read what my webcam wants me to do. My webcam does not have any expectations of me and I do not have to read its mind.

I can't do it, socialise. I don't know how.

God help me I am trapped in this nightmare!

Stuck being a self absorbed ass who does not know how to make friends and is too stupid to figure it out for all eternity. And no one to help me figure it out either because apparently not being depressed will suddenly make it all clear and I will magically turn into a social butterfly who is loved by all.

If it had of been aspergers there would have been a real reason other than I am just an idiotic twat of an NT.

I can't do this social stuff anymore. I can't even try and I dont want therapy, I just want to be left alone in my own little world which is at least a place I understand. I am tired of getting headaches trying to figure out how I am supposed to even make friends in the first place....

What I mean is that I don't have enough information on you to attempt to make a judgement. You talking to a camera doesn't tell me how good you are at socialising or reading body language or if you have sensory issues or anything like that.

Hello!

> I am going to hell when I die because I cannot change who I am.

THIS world is MY hell. As for the future, THAT gets BETTER. Getting through the present is the challenge.

Don't sell yourself short. You honored your mother and have tried to make the world a better place, and you have been persecuted for it.

This makes you especially precious, as Christ, too, was persecuted. I'll go out on a limb and say that your time in hell is most likely going to be limited to this world.

> God help me I am trapped in this nightmare!

You have demonstrated that your heart can be touched and motivated to help others. It's not all as hopeless as you think!

Have A Great Day!

Rob

You already have friends here Bumble, sort of. By friends I mean a relationship of sorts with people you can talk too and who care about you. True we can’t go the cinema with you or pop around for a cup of tea; but we are here for you. And in many important ways you are already socialising. You are taking an interest in others and allowing them to take an interest in you. So try to relax, don’t put so much pressure on yourself; you are an interesting and likeable person, not a jerk; all you need to do is to find someone with the same hobbies and interests and you’ll be away. You don’t have to change who you are to find someone who understands and accepts you. If your family hates you then quite frankly that’s their loss. You cared for your mother for 12 years, this shows that you are a kind and considerate person and so you should not think of yourself as less than that. Whether you are NT or Aspie makes no difference; you are experiencing the same heartache we have all experienced. You are not alone either in your loneliness or in your social difficulties, myself and many people here have experienced the same. PM me if you need a friend.