Stopping hate

Post Reply New Topic

Sadly, a LOT of churches and other ministries have failed the 'Aspie test', and have rejected us because we are 'different'. The problem is with who was also rejected when they rejected us. The church is supposed to be a beacon of love, yet has committed horrible crimes against others over the centuries.

Have A Great Day!

Rob

Stop thinking they do that to you intentionally, because they don't know how to behave. People have no free will and no clear idea about what's good and wrong, that's why they are so mean. Don't be judgemental and try to observe the reality. You don't have to accept it, don't even to reject it, just let it flow.

By realising that it’s not the human race, so much as only certain members of the human race, who have done this to you. Not everyone is like this. There are people, kind people who will accept you for who you are; true they may be few and far between, but they are out there. To quote Mark Twain: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” So beware of becoming bitter and angry. Not for the sake of the human race, but for your own sake. If you are not careful it will eat away at you and in the end do more damage than all the rejection, mockery and ridicule could ever have done.

I’m not sure I completely agree with this. Most people know right from wrong, or at least should do. And to say that people don’t do this sort of thing intentionally seems rather to let them off the hook a bit. Sometimes people know exactly what they are doing and can delight in causing upset to others. So I think you are right to reject this sort of behaviour and feel angry about the way you have been treated Bumble, as indeed we all would do. But hate and anger are pointless in the end. Are these people who have hurt you really worth it? Do they deserve to have this kind of hold over your mind and emotions? I don’t think so.
AnotherKind said “just let it flow” and I would agree with this. But I would add that it’s okay to feel hurt about what has happened to you and you shouldn’t feel guilty about this. Just don’t let your hurt turn into hate as this does no one any good, least of all you.

Money. Try to find a way to be financially self sufficient. Then you can only deal with people you like. I know exactly what you mean by having reasons to hate the world. My user name is "trapped in hell" because when I started here I had a job I hated, among people I disagreed with on every level, in a remote village, with no way out.

But since then I got away from that job. I now have no income, but at least I have hope. When I get an income it will be one where I can choose the people I am around. Or if necessary work alone online and only communicate on sites like this.

Money gives choices. Without choices you are trapped. You may be tapped anyway for other reasons, but even there you have more choices if you can choose where you live and with whom, or if you have to live in a certain place then money gives you the upper hand. Sorry to be so brutally economic, but it's true.

I’m not sure that is actually true. To become financially self sufficient the chances are you’ll be forced into dealing with people you don’t like, whether you like it or not. And even if by chance you were able to gain enough money to closet yourself away from everyone you don’t like (which incidentally I think is a little unrealistic), what makes you think you would be any happier? Money does give choices, but if anything it’s just a way of side-stepping the problem.

^ wise words.

Because I am a dreamer, an artist, an idealist. But that is time intensive and must be my top priority. Money gives me that time and freedom.

Maybe this only applies to artists.



Yes, I realized that long ago. I cannot work for others. I am finding a way to monetize my art without selling out. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and that is why I currently obsess over money. But it is worth it.

It sounds hard; I'm not sure I'd be able to do it.
But good luck to you. Hope it works out.

Thanks. At the start of this month I completely ran out of money. No rent, nothing. My new game does not go on sale until next month. It has taken fourteen years to get it to a state where I am happy with it. I am a little bit nervous. But we have to do what our spirits cry out do do or what is the point in existing?

It’s great that you have been able to create purpose and meaning in your life; idealism is great for that. And you are lucky in a way as I think you don’t need to worry about anyone else and so can follow your dreams; that’s not a bad way to be. Might have been more difficult if you had a family; sorry but I’m sort of assuming here that you haven’t.

Following your dreams is brilliant and I admire you for doing it, trappedinhell. What I will say, however, is that it's probably wise to take any job you can while your art is not making you any money. Once it is, quit if you feel secure enough, but having such an unsteady income as your only one seems a little unwise to me. That's just my view, though, and obviously you can ignore it if you wish.

One thing I will say about the subject of success as a generic concept is not to be scared of acting in a way which is "not nice." Most successful people - NT or otherwise - got to where they are by manipulating the crap out of everyone they met. I doubt this is too applicable in the world of art (though it might be - I don't know much about it if I'm honest), but it's certainly true in a lot of areas of life.

Although I don't presently do my own art designs I have considered doing so as I have many ideas for cross stitch designs, sketches and paintings from the days when I was into arts and crafts. I was one day going to try to get around to actually doing them and putting them up on etsy but I have presently gotten side tracked doing my degree. I don't think I would make enough money to live off of it though.

I don't work at the moment as I am on disability due to difficulty with social interactions and problems with being able to handle change. I have worked in the past and although my work is of good quality I have problems with the other employees and so end up leaving. I do not really know how to make friends very well and I usually either end up being bullied or ostracised by them. This upsets me because I am not always sure what I am doing so wrong and why people take such a disliking to me (I do not understand fully) so then become depressed and unable to work.

The only exception was at college where I did make 2 friends for the duration of the course but it was easier in that environment. I used to get a lot of good grades and people would come to me for assistance with their work if they needed it and I would help them. Unfortunately the friendships died out when the course ended. Even when I do manage to make friends I seem to be unable to keep the friendships going.

I have had the occasional short love affair with men that I have met on the internet and then met in real life once I knew them well online (I do not meet men via real life situations very often because I cannot read their signals and so if they are flirting with me it goes straight over my head) but other than that I have not had a real life friend in 19 years now. I do not know how to just go out and make friends.

I used to have family and there were friends of the family who used to sometimes help me out (my sons dads mom was very nice to me) but most are deceased now and my living family members do not speak to me. Partly because some are busy feuding amongst themsevles and don't speak to anyone else in the family and partly because I was disowned for something I never did. Although I was always considered difficult by my family even as a young child and my half siblings were not very close to me even then. I was labelled as a problem child due to the tantrums I used to have...I had bad tantrums. Although I really hate that word because when I have tantrum even now it is rarely just to get my own way, it is usually because I am very upset about something and I cannot make anyone understand that.

I would like to work from home but do feel very isolated where I am living. Usually I am ok with being on my own as I do like my own company (other than desiring a lover) but I am out in the middle of nowhere, there is very little bus service and so I am often stranded if I need to get somewhere. As I do not have a lot of money I cannot always afford a taxi and so I often find myself stuck and not being able to make appointments and things. I don't think I would feel so depressed if I lived somewhere where there was a good bus service. I do not presently drive and cannot afford to take lessons. I am very much considering moving as soon as I can (preferably between modules on my OU course as the work is intensive and I don't want to fall behind because I was moving house).

I like the little bungalow I have but I hate being stranded here. If I do not have enough taxi fare it is very easy to get stuck somewhere when I do travel (there is no bus past 5.30 at night and none on sundays or bank holidays) and as I have no friends to call if I need a lift or assistance I get stuck and it worries me.

Anyway, congrats on getting your stuff on the market.

I live ina remote village. "any job I can" means either
1. cleaning toilets
2. something unethical
3. something incredibly stressful and soul destroying
I have done that for much of my adult life. If I have to do it any more I think I will slit my wrists. I need to be researching philosophy, programming, creating animations, anything but those.

I envy those who live in cities, But for aspie related reasons I am stuck here.

I also have a therapy appointment coming up to see a new therapist and that worries me too. They want me to try CBT but I am going to have difficulty in counteracting thoughts such as "no one loves me" and "I cannot make friends" as 1 no one does love me at the moment, I cannot find or think of anyone who does love me. I also cannot think of any real life friends that I have as I have not had one in 19 years.

I can only socialise on the internet and I even do that very badly because I keep breaking social netiquette and talking about taboo subjects. I am told I go on about the same subjects too much, that I am obsessed with my hobbies and that I give out too much information and talk about things that are inappropriate to talk about on that forum board. I have been chased off of several over the last few years and have not made any friends on them. I do not experience any social anxiety when posting on forum boards or taking pictures of myself yet I still mess socialising up and get it horribly wrong.

So where is the evidence that someone loves me and that I can make friends to counteract those thoughts the therapist will expect me to counteract. I am not going to be able to do it really and it is going to leave me even more upset and frustrated. Even if I do tell them I have trouble making friends they think if I just relax it will come to me but relaxing has its own set of problems. Granted when I am socially anxious it can make socialising difficult but I have never avoided socialising just because of the anxiety, I have always been able to over ride it even if I still appear nervous or shy. Also I am only nervous or shy of people in certain contexts and not others. For example I have no problems for any reason walking up to a shop assistant and just saying "excuse me but can you tell me where xy or z is" but in purely social situations I struggle because I do not know what I am doing. I do not know how to go about making friends...this is what stops me not the anxiety. I can over ride the anxiety, it is not that severe and I don't believe in giving into fear anyway as it only makes it worse. Giving into fear is just silly unless you want to be dominated by it for the rest of your life. The only reason I was worried about public appearance thing in a video I posted yesterday was because I am self conscious about my weight. I was bullied at school and told I was ugly and fat (even though I was not over weight at that age) and so I now believe that people reject me because I am ugly and fat. I am working with myself to make myself understand that that is probably not why people reject me but there is still part of my brain that thinks that is the reason I am not socially acceptable because that is what the bullies told me when I was being bullied by them. I was basically waiting to do videos until I was thin thinking that people would then accept me and be my friend.

But in regards to therapists, I cannot get them to undestand I do not know what I am doing. I can talk to people online yes, as it is text based and I don't have to read their signals, I read their words. I can talk to a webcam as it is an inanimate object and I am alone in the room. Add people to the mix and things start to go very wrong in some circumstances.

I can manage at therapy appointments because there are clear rules and I do not need to read their body language really. I go there, they ask me questions, I answer. I stay polite, remember to smile, shake hands if they offer their hand to shake it and force eye contact.

I can appear normal or socially adept for very short periods of time in certain contexts as I remember those rules and just use them in every social encounter I ever have. So every social encounter I have is pretty much the same and goes like this;

Me: Remember to smile, make eye contact, say "hello, nice sunnday today isn't it?" or "Hello, did you have a nice xmas"
Them "yes"
Me...silence thinking to myself what do I do next, ummm, errr, ummmm
Social encounter ends unless they ask me a direct question to answer. If they ask me how I am I have to remember to say "I am fine thank you and how are you" otherwise I will either forget the 'how are you' or give them a 3 day long speech on exactly how I am feeling in every way possible.

There are exceptions that someone mentions something I have an interest but I ramble in those instances and they either walk away whilst I am still talking, tell me to change the subject or if I accidently misjudge what they find interesting exactly tell me to shut up as they are not interested. I have also had people say to me "if you don't mind me interupting your monologue".

The result is that all social interactions end in disaster. I do not know what I am doing and it is not the anxiety that stops me from socailising 99.9% of the time. I mean I was anxious when I met the few men that I have had brief relationships with for the first time from the internet but managed to ignore the anxiety and over ride it to meet with them as I liked them. Unfortunately I was too difficult to have a relationship with. My tendency to be a rigid with my routines, my tantrums when I am upset or uber stressed out and overly intense interests drive them up the wall and send them running for the hills. So my relationship rarely last more than a few years with one exception. Unfortunately I was not in love with him as he used to find my tantrums amusing and deliberatly induce them for his own amusement by intentionally disrupting my routines etc which I get very distressed over. I did ask him to stop doing what he was doing as it upseting me very much but he just replied with "no I find it funny". I pulled out of that relationship and ended things with him. But he was one of the rare ones who liked my quirks. He was just not very nice about it.

I am so down about it as I have over ridden my social anxiety so many times and still cannot socialise that i know they are being overly optimistic when it comes to thinking that getting rid of that social anxiety will turn me into a social butterfly. It is making me feel queasy actually. I also know they will be expecting me to change or work on my routines but that is going to upset me as well. I am fine with my routines when left alone with them, they do not cause me any distress in and of themselves but people trying to change them upsets me terribly and although I take it for a while after the upset builds and builds and builds and then I throw a major tantrum and either burst into tears or if really bad scream at myself for hours on end until I cannot scream anymore. Granted my tantrums have calmed down some over the years as I used to also bang my head, hit myself and kick or hit or throw inanimate objects (not people unless they come at me aggressively mid tantrum and scare me). Now I mostly just scream but anyone who has encountered my tantrums say they have never seen one like it and it does freak them out. For that reason I usually flee from what is upsetting me when I feel it building (I have taught myself to sense when they are coming on. I know as I usually get a feeling of overloading) so that other people are not exposed to it.

But my stress comes from people changing my routines, the routines themselves are actually functional for me (even if not to other people) and do not cause me any distress when I am just left to them.

As I am on disability I have to take the therapy and I have to use whatever therapist the NHS gives me. I just wish I was financially independant so that I could either drop the therapy and/or find a therapist who understands my problems rather than therapists who constantly ignore me when I say "I cannot mix with people and I do not know how to make friends" by responding with "relax and it will come to you naturally". I am so sick of hearing that...

Whether I look NT or am NT or not, it still does not change the fact that I cannot socialise etc.