Hating family gatherings this year

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So its the holiday seasons and there are many family gatherings. For me, I keep dreading the oh so, "what are you doing now that you have graduated" question. I don't handle that question well, I don't have a solid answer, its a confusing non-straight forward thing that gets complicated right now. I don't have a good job that's presentable, I feel ashamed and unaccomplished about myself. Other then that, I have to drag through the family gathering which gets boring and I get irritated. I don't know if this is an aspie thing, I don't socialize well if its not on my own terms. If I'm forced to be there, I wont socialize. If I'm there on my own terms, I can socialize ok. There are more family gatherings and I have one tomorrow where my relatives are a bunch of judgmental overachievers. I don't want to go, I know I should have purposely scheduled my work over it. My mom is starting to get more and more irritated with me because I've been so "sour". The depression doesn't help either. It's apparent that my normal stare already makes me look depressed. And now I actually am a bit depressed now, gosh I must look like I'm in chronic depression.

I love the magic of Christmas, the tree, decorations, music and the meaning of the holiday. The only thing about Christmas is when my family gathers together. I have two loud and obnoxious members of my ignorant generation at the table along with the two people who tried to raise the autism out of me. They're all talking away with loud voices and trying to parent my niece while I'm thinking about the British 60s and how nice it would be to be in the spare bedroom, listening to The Kinks away from all that.

I think its normal aspie when you cant socialise on others terms. I managed yesterday with lots of family round, I ate before them and while they were eating I did all the washing up. Then I allowed my nephews to play computer games on my laptop, then later all the adults were playing a "questions" game which was very structured so I managed.

I generally park myself in one spot. Any one who wants to talk to me will drift my way. If it gets to be too much I go outside or something. Oh, and I spend the time partly shut down.

Its getting worse, my moms very mad at me for not being cooperative at family gatherings. Its starting to feel pretty f**ed up. I've been very depressed lately and I can't mentally pull through when she wants me to. I can only pull through substantially when I'm I guess we can say "on top of my game". She's been making me feel more and more miserable which doesn't help at all. Her dissatisfaction is starting to drive me crazy to the point where I don't want to go to the family gatherings even more. Its just starting to become a spiral. She probably just thinks I'm being a disgrace to my relatives at this point.

I feel like when ever someone tries to push me to act or be a certain way, it never works. I wish my mom would just accept that I cannot please her. I think this has more to do with the image of the family. I becoming a disgrace to the family. I dont want to go to the family gatherings yet they are still going to make me. Shes trying to say its about being happy during the holiday season, this is not making me happy yet she cannot accept it. Damn maybe I should just post this in the haven.

Is a friend with you, or a relative you trust? Alternatively, can you leave and stay with a friend? Or at least withdraw into a quiet room for a bit of downtime? You sound very stressed.

Sorry to be so obtuse about the logistics. You live at your mum's and the family gathering is somewhere else? Or also at your mum's place?

I know what you mean about the "Family image" thing. I think mothers are very concerned about how the family is seen. My mother seems to dismiss my AS as if it doesn't exist.

Maybe you can say that you are getting tired and must go for a lie down at home. Pretend to be sick or something.

The only thing I can't stand in family get togethers is the noise. Like people talking over top one another, along with the sound of the TV being turned up to try and drown out the noise that doesn't work. It bothers me so much!!