Eating at a table with people you don't know

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I find it hard to eat around anybody, doesn't have to be at a table it can just be anywhere. I also get a phobia about people commenting on what eat whole I'm eating it or even making it, as if they're going to look at it and think "good god what is that madness he's cooking". Not as bad as I used to be but, meh.

I don't get bothered by the sound of people chewing. I can actually block that out. I just think it's a Social Phobia thing what is making me feel a bit anxious of eating with strangers.

I don't think eating slow is an Aspie thing - a few months ago there was a thread here called ''Do Aspies Eat Faster?'' I think I eat slow to avoid air from going down, and most people seem to think that eating with your mouth open encourages more air, but I've found that eating with your mouth closed actually encourages more air because air gets trapped in your mouth and can't escape then you swallow it all down with your food, whereas if you have your mouth open you can sort of breathe it out before you swallow.

I don't really have any quirky eating habits, only eating with the mouth open thing - but I don't eat with it wide open so I don't think it would be really noticable. Also I get embarrassed of what food I order (I just hope there's a buffet in this hotel. Some hotels have buffets, some don't). Asking the waitress or waiter everything I want is very daunting for me, but getting my mum to ask is also embarrassing because people start criticising. I remember when I last went to an Indian restaurant with my family I felt I was going to clam up when asking the waiter what I wanted because I couldn't pronounce the Indian food on the menu, and also (even though it's just my family) I know that they all will look at me at the table as I order, and I'm scared something might happen where I will look stupid (Social Phobia/Anxiety again), so I got my mum to ask for me when she ordered hers, and my brother started huffing and puffing and throwing critical remarks at me like ''why can't you ask for yourself? What is the matter with you? For God's sake, you're so scared!'' (Then people wonder why I hate my brother near me - he always finds something to criticise about me).

This is more than just about eating, I think. I've always had anxiety over eating with strangers so I have a strategy.

First, I try to get a seat between people I'm comfortable with (my family). There's a kind of social ritual involved in picking one's seat and I've become quite adept at it. It involves standing on the outside of the group a bit and observe whilst everyone else selects a seat, then sort of hovering over the place that I'd like to be, but not committing myself until the last moment until I can be sure that I'm where I'd like to be.

My wife sort of knows where I'll be most comfortable and will usually be part of this selection process. Nothing is said, no secret messages or anything, it just happens.

If it becomes obvious I'm going to have a stranger on at least one side, I try to get next to a "non-peer". I'll avoid males of my age. Maybe the child of another family, or an older woman. I know that these are the people least likely to judge my slight quirkiness. A child will either not be interested in my slight oddness or may even have an affinity for me. I can even exchange a few words and almost have a conversation.

Then, as the occasion starts and I have to make a menu selection, I will often make a self-deprecating remark. I have a limited diet, so I may say "You do realise you're sitting next to the worlds fussiest eater" and the person will maybe laugh a little, or make a comment, but it eases my anxiety and I don’t feel such an outcast for not eating the same stuff as everyone else. I always take small helpings so I'm not likely to leave anything on my plate.

If you think the open-mouth thing may be noticeable, it might be best to just quietly say to the adjacent guests, that you try to eat politely but you have a condition which can make it difficult. I think you'll find that people will be understanding.


It's still not easy for me, but I've learned to manage it and only a knowledgeable observer would identify my anxiety. I still breathe a massive sigh of relief when the servings are over and the table is cleared.