Marriage and Aspergers, please help me.

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My husband and I have been together for five years, living together for three, and married for two of those three.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at my wits end and I just don't know what to do. I'm about ready to turn off the internet, because, despite his promises to the contrary, he spends every second of his time that I am not actively dogging his ass about something on the computer. Half the time he ignores Rook (our son) and I don't think he even notices it. He tells me that he plays with Rook when I'm not home, but I have no way to proove it and all I can go on is what i see when I'm here. Rook will ask his father to take him potty five or six times and Jade won't even look down until I shout at him to get off his ass and take his son to the bathroom. Jade says he didn't even hear him. I know he can pay a little more attention than that, if he's waiting for something he wants, like the pizza delivery person, or a friend to come over, he doesn't even wait for them to get to the door. Once he hears their car, he's up and moving.

I could keep going and going with different things. The thing is there's no one big thing, It's all a collection of little things accumulating over time. I'll give more later, when I'm not so tired. And I am very tired, I'm drained, and I'm afraid I'm going to burn out soon. but if anyone can even offer some advice with the little I have put up here. Like I said, I'll put more up later when I am not so tired, and don't have so much to do. I'm not thinking about leaving, but I can't keep living like this. I don't want my son growing up with the same aggressive neglect I did. If I interrupted their computer games, or their TV show, or their movie, they snapped at me and told me to leave them alone. I am seeing that start to happen here, and I don't want for Rook and I don't want that for me. Jade is not getting aggressive, but he does get very frustrated, and he gets mad at me for not letting him have five or six hours of uninterrupted computer time. But I need some me-time too, and I can't give him five or six hours of computer time on a day when he works six hours, I get none of his time and no personal time for me. None of the compromises i have tried to suggest work, it's like he tries for a week and then he forgets completely.

Please help me, I'm burned out and used up, and I don't know what to do - for me or for Jade.

Kristen Finch was a speech therapist who sometimes worked with kids with Asperger Syndrome, symptoms of which include emotional distance, inflexibility and missing social cues. Kristin and her co-workers often joked that all their husbands had Asperger's, since the symptoms overlap with stereotypically male personality traits. But then Kristen wondered—what if it was actually true for her husband Dave? The quiz that Dave Finch took to determine whether he had Aspergers can be found online (note: it's not an official diagnostic tool). Dave wrote a book about this experience, called The Journal of Best Practices. (15 1/2 minutes)

Listen to the radio show here >> http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-a ... part?act=2

I will thank you, but Jade was diagnosed when he was 10 years old. It's so trying sometimes. I put up list of when things like lunch and snack time are, what chores are to be done on which days... he doesn't even think to look. Something as simple as doing the dishes. I've asked him every day, at least twice a day, for four days now to do the dishes, but he doesn't do them until I get so angry at him that I start yelling at him. he doesn't stack them right either. he stacks them in the dish drainer sloppily and without regard for making more of them fit. it seems sometimes like he does it on purpose so that he can get out of doing the rest of them. No matter how many times I show him, tell him, explain my reasoning, ect... he just doesn't get it, and still doesn't do it right.

It's like that for almost everything! He gets mad at me for yelling at him, but he doesn't do anything until i do. I know how bad it makes him feel, but by the time I get to that point, i don't care anymore. It makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to want to do the few things I ask him to. He ignores Rook (our son) whenever he's doing something he wants to do, and wants to play with Rook whenever he's doing something he doesn't want to do. It's also hard when no matter what i do, he doesn't do anything until I reach the snapping point, and then breaks down and starts crying about how he's a failure and it's all his fault and how he's a bad husband.

What am I supposed to do then?

I'm so mad at him that I want to tell him to grow the f**k up and deal with it, this is life, and he doesn't get a hall pass out of it because he wants to do something else, but I don't want to do that because that's the same attitude my parents took for everything. I was made to feel like less of a person because I was upset, I was manipulated and accused of feeling the wrong thing because I needed to change how I felt, and I needed to learn to see things differently.

You can't control how something makes you feel, I know that, but he can control my yelling at him by doing something the first, second, or even third time I ask him. I know I have been snapping more and more at him lately, but I'm just so tired. It's gotten to the point that half the time when he tells me he's sorry about something, I'm so tired of hearing it that I hardly believe him. More than once I've snapped at him "Prove it to me by not doing it anymore!" or "If you were really sorry, you would start doing what I ask you to and stop putting it off!"

Making everything harder is that I have to take care of our son in all this. Between Jade and Rook, I am so utterly exhausted that my temper is short and my patience completely run out. According to my mother-in-law Rook is showing all the early signs of Aspergers. Between the fits of screaming for no discernible cause, the temper tantrums anytime something doesn't go how he thinks it should, the pinching, the biting, the never wanting to be at home because i had to re-arrange the living room after we took down the Christmas decorations, and a few other things, I need Jade to help me, not add to everything. It's been getting slowly worse ever since Rook was born. Jade makes almost no visible effort to think about Rooks needs right now, all he knows is that two months ago Rook liked to be carried everywhere. Now he snaps at Rook and yells at him when our son squirms and flails because he wants to be let down because he wants to walk. No matter how many times I tell Jade this, he still doesn't remember. After the fifth or six time, I lost it on him and went on a rant about how if he would ever pay more attention to Rook than I force him to, he would know this.

I'm so fed up with his constant need to be on the internet that i am about ready to cancel our service. Literally, every single moment that I am not demanding that he do something else, Jade is online. First thing in the morning, I come out after waking him up to pour myself a cup of coffee, and by the time I am stirring it, he's already got three tabs open. I've tried making compromises that give him two or three hours a day of computer time, which is a hell of a lot more than I ever get, and he agrees, and then goes back to his old habit a day later, two or three if I am lucky.

He seems honestly sorry and remorseful, but I'm not so sure I believe him much anymore. He swears up down and sideways that he's not lying to me, but I have watched him lie so often to other people (particularly his parents when we were dating) that I know he's very good at it and don't know if he's lying to me or not. More than once i have caught him lying to me about where he is. Mostly it's him telling me that he's going somewhere, and ending up at the library for hours at a time. I get it, he wants alone time, but I haven't had any alone time SINCE ROOK WAS BORN! I get maybe a couple of hours once every three months or so. He gets some at least once a week. he goes over to a friends house and he and his buddies play games and watch TV and just hang out for at least six hours while I am home alone with Rook, doing the cleaning I asked him to do that he didn't, cooking a meal while tripping on a toddler who is glued to me because his whole world ends if I'm in a different room, and running myself to exhaustion while he doesn't even notice.

When it's pointed out to him, he does do better for three days to a week, depending on how hard things hit home, and then everything goes back like he forgot he was supposed to try.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave him because I know that we can get through this. He's not oppressive, he just doesn't notice. It's that benevolent indifference that is killing me.

It isn't about WHEN he was diagnosed... it is all about what it means to have Asperger's. For you it means that he doesn't empathize. He can't really think about your issues. He needs insight into his condition... imo.

That's tough.. Have you considered counselling? I don't mean this in a relate, marriage break up kind of way, but an outside objective observer who can help keep the routines on track. This is a popular suggestion.

Also you might want to check out the Dr Jill and Judge Pam Show, this is a podcast, they had a two parter on aspergers syndrome, part 2 was on adults and went into some detail on the issues facing wives of aspies, you might find this helpful.

The kind of struggle you face with your husband rings slightly true with me, I do accept that from when I get home, through to bed time (8-9ppm) with the kids, I need to be involved. That includes cooking, reading and the bedtime routine. I also do the weekly shop. On the other hand, my wife accepts that I need some time to myself in the evening and that I have some pretty odd sleeping habits.

You will have to be very clear and direct and unrelenting in what you want from your husband, but you also will have to provide him with structured and,routine time to follow this interest, nothing winds me up more than interruptions or unexpected requests, this does lead to frustration.

I hope this is helpful, maybe you'll get some more help from some other aspie partners.

Jason

I would seriously consider either cutting off internet access at your home altogether, or finding a way to control its accessibility...it's a hard thing to imagine anymore, but it is a huge distraction to getting anything done. I have a lot of trouble focusing, internalizing changes that need to be made, following through with commitments, dealing with things that I don't like, etc, and consistent internet access makes those things MUCH worse.

Its odd but I read the entire post, with a tone as if someone was screaming at me. Then I couldn't understand quite well if Jade was an adult or a kid. I have no real opinion, there's probably fault on both sides of the isle.

I am sure that there is fault on both sides, and as for the someone screaming at you. I can see how it would look that way. I have a hard time containing my emotions sometimes, and when I get emotionally charged, it comes out in my writing. I was crying for a good deal of that post, a good portion of it was frustration and the relief of finally being able to get some of it out to someone(s) who might be able to help. As for the rest, being in this situation is not easy, and it's rather painful. I know there are things I am not doing right, and its very confusing and upsetting to not know what to do.

He is addicted to the computer and Internet. That simple. Hits us Aspies hard. Very pleasurable to sit and interiorize and satisfy the mind, click around to what interests one. Fixation. Please no interruptions.

You will not be able to break him of this addiction. He does not want the outer world to exist. It can only be broken by him when he wants to break it and re-engage with the real world.

No amount of reason, logic, nagging or lists are going to make any difference.

Save yourself frustration and simply realize he is addicted. Now, can you live with a person who is not present for you?

If not, separate yourself from this situation. If the positives outweigh the negatives, remain, but do not expect to interact with the addicted man.

I'm no-one to give advice, have no similar enouch experience, but some thoughts came to my mind reading this and I'll share them just in case these diverse forum opinions let You better sort out what You want sorted out.

To me it seems like the situation will probably not solve with repeating the same talks again. Might, but probably would not. I think You need rest from this and Your husband needs to see things from perspective too, with less emotion. Living separately might give a chance for this to happen. But as an aspie he might not get the reasons behind your separation, so I think it would be good if he had someone to talk about it who could guide him through human emotions in question. Someone who is not You. Do you have a family member who understands Your situation, would understand Your actions (like moving out if You do that) and also could talk to him without pushing him to overly emotional state or ignoring his views? A neutral helpful person that is, is there someone?

I have seen two of my male relatives ignore their parents nagging similar way, however reasonable were the demands parents made. One of them made it like that to adulthood. The other one, my brother seems to be an aspie too. But at some point they both "grew up", set their own goals and made real effort to get it. And became much more bearable personalities for others around them. Though if parents nowadays try to push their opinion my brother still can ignore them as he did then and he seems to keep some distance there. But if he is let be in control of his life then he is fine. The other person is in his mid twenties and quit whining and being a child just recently. He is doing amazing things compared to some time ago. The motivation behind this was a girl who he liked and who was very rational and probably an example for him. The girl left him but the influence did not go with her, thank god. Actually they both lived with their parents when they started the positive process, but I have always thought and will not give up the opinion that it would have started earlier if they would have gotten away from their parents.

I'm a bit concerned that if Your tense situation lasts daily for too long time then his protection mode can't be overcome any more. Like the distance my brother keeps with parents. I think he should get the chance - or actually unavoidable task - to think his life through and set his goals. Of course there is the risk that he can avoid making decisions and acting or choose something else, not a grown-up life with You and his child. But to me the odds of daily conflicts without break coming to happy peaceful end seem lower.

And of course if You get some time to live separately You must be somewhat changed too after that. So that he wouldn't constantly see You as a time bomb to go back to previous situation when he makes a single mistake.

If You find my opinion too radical, then just ignore it. I have never seriously lived with anyone and there probably are things I can't imagine that have to be taken in concideration here.

I wish You luck and reason to find the solution for yourself and the family.

@werewolf

thank you very much for your input. So far, yours has actually been the most reasonable and thought out opinion I have heard. The story of your brother and his girlfriend is similar to mine and Jades. he was a lot different when I first met him, and over the course of the years I have seen a lot of changes in him, most of them for the better.

We had a chance to talk last night, both of us just airing things we have been thinking and feeling for some time. He said to me that part of his issues here recently is that between moving to a different state with my family, getting married, having a baby, and then moving to live near his parents that his life has been changing so fast that his whole paradigm of living has fallen apart and he's having trouble constructing a new one. He's having a hard time finding new definition to fit his new life. I can't pretend that I completely understand what he means, I don't think that way, but maybe some others here will understand and be able to put it in terms I better understand.

If we did decide to temporarily separate for a week or two, I think he would take that time to do some serious thinking. I have no doubt of it. And even if he did (though I can't imagine why) decide that a more permanent separation was what he needed, he loves Rook too much to not want to see him anymore. Jade might not always be the ideal father, but when he does do things with Rook, play with him, give him a bath, he adores his son. It's not that I think he doesn't love Rook, it's that Jade doesn't seem to always understand when Rook needs his attention.

You are right that never having had a relationship similar to that of husband and wife, there are factors that we need to conciser that you probably didn't think of, but I am giving it serious thought.

that thought had crossed my mind too. I am less concerned about Jade closing himself off from me as i am that I might push too hard and push him away. Unfortunately all of my family that could talk to Jade (My mother being the only one who doesn't get him riled up) live almost a thousand miles away, and I'm afraid that his mother and I don't see eye-to-eye. I like her well enough, she is a good person, but we clash horribly with each other. My sister and worked closely with Aspie and Autistic people, she worked for a company that ran a work program for them, she was their coach, so she has worked very closely with them and had to take classes and get certifications on that kind of thing, but they live another eight-hundred miles past the thousand it takes to get to my parents. So my options are seriously limited.

thank you again for your advice, it seems fairly sound to me.

The more you rag on him the more he will tune you out and ultimately resent you.

Find out what it is he's interested in on the Internet. Whatever that subject(s) may be go out in the real world, search out those subjects, then engage him as a family including those subjects.

Example, if he's into trains, go on a train trip together. If he's into horses go to a stable together, ride horses together. When the family is included in the interest at hand he will become less interested in the internet and more interested in the fammily. Common interest and shared bonds will help.

Cutting off the internet will treat a symptom but not the underlying cause.

i think if he realised how much you do for him and kept that in mind it could help. it seems like he is happy taking the short cut and leting you do all the work. If you show him he will be more satisfied in helping out then maybe that is incentive enough. By helping out and feeling good about himself he may be motivated to continue. It sounds like you have been far to tollerant and he needs reminding of that. He needs to know that most people would never put up with that sort of behavior and it would be best for everyone, him included if he pulls his weight. i dunno how you can achieve that though. I know that i can be lazy in similar ways but with a little effort and routine things like housework are piss easy. i'm not that challenged due to autism though so things may be different for him. Good luck

I think he means that he hasn't worked out new routines appropriate to the responsibilities and time constraints of your new location and family configuration. His "default", when he doesn't know what to do with himself, is go to the computer (it also relieves his stress.)

He may literally not know how important doing the day to day stuff with you is to maintaining your relationship. The book recommended earlier in this thread, "The Journal of Best Practices", is about exactly that, written by an Aspie who realized it in time to save his marriage. Buy it for him or check it out of the library.

If he wants to live up to your expectations and improve your family relationship, then you may be able to help him develop a new routine. It will include explicit times for him to use the computer and to get his alone time to de-stress or he will not be able to push through the exhaustion to maintain the new schedule. (For instance, you might make all the time between when he wakes up and when the kids wakes up and needs full attention his computer time, as well as between 8-10 in the evening when you are busy watching TV shows that you like. In return, you might promise to allow him half an hour to depressurize when he gets home from work instead of immediately hitting him with things to do and information to process.)

Print out a weekly calendar (or synchronize your Google calendars, or however you track such things) and sit down together and literally list the obvious things like wake times, showers, meals, computer time, bedtime. Also make explicit the things you expect him to help with, like loading the dishwasher after dinner, supervising kiddie bath time, putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, and write those in. On the weekends, include explicit father-son time--even a couple hours of watching a movie together would let you catch some me-time--as well as an outing with the kid (park, library, etc.) when Daddy can catch some me-time, as well (and use it to play on the computer if he so desires!)

Try living together according to a routine you both had a hand in devising for a week and see if it doesn't fix things.

I know most of his interests, and they are actually ones I share. He likes Role-playing games. i like them too, he traverses Giantitp all the time, he likes Magic the Gathering, we have a substantial collection of cards, and he likes to discuss topics such as religion, politics (I'm afraid politics is one that I don't like and understand little about) Philosophy, and examining why people think the way they think. oh, and he likes video games of almost all varieties. I share many of these interests and like to do them with him, but we can't play games all the time, chores need to be done, a toddler needs attention, and errands need to be run.

I will freely admit on the running errands part, I am the one who slacks off. I don't like having to go out and spend half my day driving from place to place.

As for being too tolerant. I am having a hard time figuring out here I need to draw the line, and where I need to just leave him alone. He holds down a job, and right now I am unemployed. I have been searching for a job and I have enrolled in a program that aids in that. they help with resumes, send you weekly lists of the places that are hiring, and actually have a person take several tests that tell both them, and potential employers, the persons strong points and weaknesses. We live in the worst county in the second worst state for unemployment. As far as working outside of the home, Jade has always been responsible. When I was pregnant with our son, it was a difficult pregnancy and i was taken off work when I was three months pregnant. Jade got a second job, and maintained being the sole support for our family until Rook was nearly a year old so that I could be a stay-at-home-mom for him. I had a job for about seven months before I got fired because wall-mart would not work with me on when I had a babysitter available.

It's really weird, my schedule was open nights and weekends. the managers all knew my available hours. It seemed almost to me like they were trying to get me fired.

It's at home where he has the most problems. Work comes easily to him. He has defined do's and don't's that he has to follow, he goes in at a certain time, and he comes home at a certain time. It almost seems like he uses home as a place where there are no rules. he remembers to take off his shoes, but that's not what I'm talking about. It feels kinda like he is responsible at work, and doesn't have to be at home.

He tells me to be specific with him, but I can't give him a list of instructions. A perfect example, thought a minor one, is getting Rook out of his highchair. I'll ask him to get Rook out, first, he takes like five minutes to get over there. After all, god forbid he just pause what he's doing, or tell the people on one or another chat that he has to go AFK for a minute. then, he gets Rook out of the chair, doesn't clean the spilled food off his tray, doesn't put the uneaten food in the fridge, doesn't clean up rook before just setting him down with his toys, and doesn't clean up the floor around Rook's highchair. He tells me that I need to tell him these things, he doesn't think to do them, but if I give him a list of more than two or three things at once, he gets angry because he can't remember them all.

the whole point of asking him to do something is so that i can finish whatever I am doing right now. like vacuuming the living room, or stacking the dirty dishes, or putting a roast in the oven for dinner later, all things that I'd like to get finished quickly so that Rook doesn't get in the way or burn himself on the stove. If I have to stand over him and make sure he does it the correct way, what is the point in asking him to do it? i could have done it faster by just doing it myself then walking him through it in little baby steps. Hell, it took me two years to get him to wash the dishes correctly. He could do them, but half of them weren't properly clean, many still had a grease film because the water he washed them in was too cold, and almost all of them had soap residue on them because he didn't rinse them properly. Now, he does a good job, once I finally get him up to do them.

Those are the two biggest thing when it comes to house chores at least. Getting him to do something, and then getting him to do it right. I promised myself that I was not going to do a chore that he told me he would do, but that leads to four days worth of dishes stacked in and around the sink while I ask him three times a day when he is going to finally do the dishes before I loose it on him and he finally does half of them because no more will fit in the dish drainer, and guess who gets to wash the rest of them. -_-

While we're on the subject of chores, I'll ask him to do something, and more often then not, I'll come home from shopping, or doing laundry, or whatever I was out doing, and it won't be done. He'll tell me that Rook was being ornery or fussy, or underfoot and so he tidied this or that instead. I'm glad that he did something but it wasn't what I asked him to do. Rook is almost 2, he's going to be underfoot, it is the nature of babies and toddlers. I still manage to get things done with Rook underfoot, and I didn't ask him to put Rooks toys away, I asked him to tidy the kitchen.

Just like he always takes the trash out, but he never, ever, remembers to put a bag back in the trash can, and then he'll start throwing things right into the trash can and not even notice that there is no bag in there, and then guess who gets to spend half an hour scrubbing the built up s**t and nastiness out of the can.

this is one of many frustrations, there are others, like never remembering what I do and don't like, constantly doing things that annoy the piss out of me, despite numerous times of asking him to stop. he just doesn't remember. It hurts when he does that. I know he doesn't mean it, but it feels like he just doesn't care enough to try to remember things like that.

But something that would go a long way to helping is for him to just do the few things I ask him to do the first or second time I ask, not four days later after I finally get so mad I blow up at him.

I know I tend to ramble in these posts, but some of it is just a need to get some of this out, and some of it is the though that the more people know, the more they can offer informed opinions and good advice. After all, if I come here asking what the two of us can do, because I know that I am not doing things right, or we both wouldn't be so tense, and I tell everyone that everything is all roses and sunshine, no one will be able to say anything helpful, because they don't know what I'm asking for.

First, I apologize for the double post, but someone posted while I was typing my novel up there.

I kinda figured that, but i am very afraid that if he keeps doing it, it will become his new normal routine, and I just can't live with that.



I have. It's got a lot of open time on it for the both of us to do our own thing, times to play with Rook, meals at these times, playtime at that time, but he doesn't even glance at it, and I put it right up on the fridge.

As for making only certain chores his, I hadn't considered that. The chores rotate. The dishes get done (ideally) twice a day, he does them once and I do them once, and the rest of the chores are charted by day on the fridge with a weekly chores list. We do them as we come to them (meaning I do them all unless I ask Jade to do one or the other of them) half the problem is that he'll get a third to halfway through doing the chore i asked him when he stops to refresh his page, or reply to something in chat, and completely forgets to finish doing his chores.