Meltdowns

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I have a nephew that has Asperger's, though he is in denial of it. He is 24 years old and he has very occasional "angry outbursts" that I call "meltdowns". My question is, how should these meltdowns be handled, especially in an adult with Aspergers? Should we argue back? Try to talk louder than he does? Not give in and continue to stand our ground? The last time he had a meltdown I let him vent, then I slowly switched the subject to something else I knew he would enjoy hearing about and it seemed to work then. Is this an approach I should continue? Any wise words of wisdom would be GREATLY appreciated!! ! Thanx!! !

Just back off and give him space. Somebody in the middle of a meltdown is in a huge amount of distress, and is likely not thinking straight; you won't be able to reason with him, because his brain is pretty much blue-screened, and additional stimulation will just make it worse. I guess the feeling of meltdown is a little like what you might feel if you were dumped into the deep end of a swimming pool in January, and couldn't swim.

Yeah, what you did that last time is probably a good thing. Letting him vent probably had the effect of not overloading him with additional stimuli; and an Aspie's special interests are almost always a source of calm and stability for them.

Don't try to address a meltdown mid-meltdown. You can talk about it later, when you're both relaxed, and ask him what he'd prefer you do when he gets frustrated like that. Most Aspies would agree with "just back off; I'm not thinking straight and you'll only make it worse," but a few--young kids, mostly--like physical contact or want you to lead them someplace peaceful where they can relax.

It's a problem that he's not acknowledging that he has AS; sometimes people who have AS and don't acknowledge it will not be aware of how low their threshold for stress is, and how little it takes to overwhelm them; and so they won't take steps to deal with things before it gets to the point of meltdown. That leads to more frequent meltdowns than you'd otherwise have, and makes it more likely that you won't find yourself a private place to relax when you start to feel on-edge like that. I hope he learns that it's OK to be autistic, that there's nothing wrong with being different, and that being aware of it will make things better, not worse. Lots of us here at WP are downright proud of being autistic--not in the sense that we think we're better than everybody else; but just that we like that aspect of ourselves and embrace it as a part of our identity. If your nephew can get into a mindset of more "this is a neutral part of me, a normal part of my life" rather than "this is a defect I need to ignore and pretend doesn't exist", he'll probably improve his ability to deal with overload and meltdowns, too.

Thank you so very, very much for your insight on this!! ! The analogy about the swimming pool definitely gave me a way of thinking about it like I had not before. The hard part now will be convincing his Mom, my sister, to let him just blow off some steam when he is having a meltdown! Lol! She is not big on that idea at all!! But she has realized that the more she argues, the more he revs up. Sadly, we are basically sure that her husband has it as well and she is just on overload right now. If you wouldn't mind me asking another question, how do we handle the clothing aspect? My nephew dresses in a way that drives his Mom CRAZY! I have explained to her about Aspies (is that the politically correct term?) and how the feel of clothing on them is an issue. Is there a way to convince him to wear other things or should we just leave it alone? Right now he seems to feel more comfortable in tighter fitting clothes and she says it makes him look like his clothing is too small! Thank you so much for letting me vent!!

Yeah, if you could get them to let him alone on clothing, that would be a good thing. Clothing is such a silly thing to be worried about--if it covers you up adequately and keeps you from freezing, that's all you need. Wearing comfortable clothing is one of many coping strategies used by people who are prone to sensory overload. I'm the opposite way; I need loose cotton clothing, so it looks a size or two too large. I adjust the waistbands so things stay on. One way to make tight clothing look a little more "average" is to wear tight clothing next to your skin and looser clothing as a top layer; but you can still feel the clothing shift against the skin even through that first layer, so it may not be a good solution for him. Something to suggest, maybe.

"Aspie" is what many of us call ourselves, yeah; some people think it sounds like a silly nickname and don't like it, but it's pretty popular as a way to shorten "Asperger's" and keep it from sounding like ass-burgers.... We might also call ourselves "Aspergian" or simply "autistic", and occasionally you meet someone who wants to be called a "person with Asperger's". In my book, though, political correctness matters very little as long as somebody makes it obvious they respect you and think of you as an equal just like they would anybody else.

I don't see why your family doesn't want to back off from somebody who's yelling and out of control. You don't have to concede the argument or anything; but why would it be productive to try to argue with somebody who is too frustrated to think clearly? Even with little children who have tantrums, the best thing to do is often to just ignore the child. You can talk about whatever the problem was later, when they're not freaking out. Unlike tantrums, meltdowns don't involve a lot of manipulative behavior (you can tell the difference because a tantruming person will look at you to see how you react, while someone who's in a meltdown will generally see people around them as sources of further irritation, or lose track of them entirely, or try to shut them out). But, luckily for moms with young autistic children, the question of "is it a tantrum or a meltdown" needn't be answered, because the response for both is the same... leave the kid there, let him calm down, and talk about it later. I mean, what in the world do they think they'll accomplish by just escalating an argument with somebody who's already angry? When people start yelling, that's when productive communication goes down the toilet, and people in that situation should just back off and cool down before they say things they'll regret. You don't even have to be autistic for that.

If your at home give him space, don't talk to him, don't touch him and know what makes him comfortable.

Personally when I have a meltdown just being alone is comfortable, It mostly helps if I stim or find a way to mentally escape

One word of wisdom I learned from a Malaysian business woman a while back. When someone comes at you with a loud voice, speak normal. They will continue to yell, but you should gradually decrease your voices volume so they have to speak quieter to hear your responses. Increasing your tone to meet their tone apparently only causes escalation.

They will naturally decrease their tone since your not meeting theirs. But as a general rule do not bother with anyone in a meltdown and leave them alone. I personally get quiet when I meltdown, my father gets abusive and angry (towards women, my mom bailed when she had me).

Medication in his case works extremely well.