In situations in which you cannot talk or struggle to

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In situations in which you cannot talk OR struggle to talk fluently and/or coherently, how do you deal with other people?

Specifically, when you're forced to have a conversation at work or at a club but you do not answer OR you answer but can only do so in a slow, hard to understand, grammatically mixed up manner. Meanwhile the other person (who doesn't know you have autism) just keeps on talking and talking.

From how they talk to you and how they question you, they seem to assume that you are intellectually disabled and treat you like it, that you're unsure about what you say or that you don't know the answer and that this is why you talk "hesitantly" or that you are painfully shy or nervous and that is why your grammar is wrong, why you can't explain your thoughts in coherent sentences and why your eye-contact is off.

I'm growing very sick of people's reactions and assumptions about that I am anxious/nervous or intellectually disabled and them treating me like something pitiful and weak (while I need to keep my temper in check) when I plainly can't get my vocal chords or whatever else is responsible for speech to get working smoothly.

I don't know how to deal with that. How do you deal with it?

I can't kick or hit them for being annoying and ridiculous after all (which was a handy alternative during childhood). It wouldn't solve anything either.

I also can't say that I have autism can I. Next to nobody knows what that is and that it isn't "a form of mental retardation".


Edit: I am not talking about conversations that I'm uncomfortable with and I'm not talking about those few rude people there are. What I described about how people reacted are just the reactions I mainly get. Sometimes from kind people who try to "help" with my "shyness" or "issues", sometimes rude people who think they're better than me for... who knows what silly fantasy.

Last edited by Sora on 21 Mar 2012, 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have any tips. I just wanted to say that I feel for you. While there have been times now and in my childhood when I just couldn't speak in the moment there was a period of about 3 years after high school (due to bullying) in which I didn't/couldn't talk to anyone outside of my immediate family. I always had to have a parent or my sister speak for me. Sometimes people said things like "can't she speak for herself?" or "is she special?". So I understand.

You just have to learn to not care what others think. It doesn't change who you are, and it's their loss for being rude and not getting to know you. Some people are simply unkind, and they aren't worth your concern.

(Edit: This doesn't really have to do with people treating me like I'm an idiot, but it helps me to avoid them assuming that I am one, sometimes.) I've found that the only way for me to deal with talking in uncomfortable situations at work is just not look them in the eye when I talk. Like, I look away and "gaze thoughtfully" into the distance, slightly squinting and looking up a little, trying to look thoughtfully concentrated on my answer to their question, while saying "Hmmmmmm..." to buy me some time to think. It's better than forcing inconsistent eye contact and searching around wide-eyed trying to find something to look at. Idk.

I know what you mean though.

I dread meetings at work. Or public school. I can no longer go to public school. People always assume I'm some fragile, slightly dumb, shy little girl. At work during meetings when my boss calls me out or asks a question, I often don't even hear or understand the question, so I just go "Uhh, er, hmmmm... well... w-what?" Which initiates some laughter and a nice little supplementary panic attack from me. Even when I do understand, I still stutter and mix words up. The funny thing is that my boss/coworkers recently stopped asking me questions at meetings, because they know how uncomfortable it makes me. I don't mind that at all, even if it makes me look a little disabled.

I wish I had some better advice.

Last edited by Scum on 21 Mar 2012, 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If it is a conversation I am not comfortable with, I start by backing away. Maybe apologize & then LEAVE that person.
If they keep after me, I may shut down. Which in my case means not moving or being able to speak at all. Usually people think I am being arrogant and stubborn. But it is more like brief catatonia. Clears up, but I will remain a mess for hours afterward..

Sincerely,
Matthew

Oh, no, no, I am not talking about conversations that I'm uncomfortable with and I'm not talking about those few rude people there are.

Thanks, LadySera. It's not much of a problem usually but in situations in which I am expected to actively participate in an activity and contribute to it in the same way as everyone else, it's a real hassle.

Sparx, I would agree but I am referring to those situations in which you cannot ignore others. In order to be teach or lecture others or to cooperate with them during my free-time and during my carrier, I cannot allow people to conclude that I am unable to teach them or that I have no idea what I'm talking about (even if it's just martial arts).

For clarification, I am not talking exclusively about rude people but mainly about neutral or "kind" people who try to figure out what's "wrong" with me or who try to "help" which is awfully annoying.

Ah, I just saw that others answered too but I need to go for now and will get back here later.

Sometimes I think the harder I try the worse it is. I try to relax about it as much as possible, I don't think it neccesarily helps but it maybe lessens my frustration when I am having one of those brain freeze moments or I just can't get the words out properly. I know what you mean by people's reactions. Earlier I was collecting a parcel from the post office - which I knew to be a pair of shoes - I watched the postman look through all the small letters for about 10 mins trying to find it, feeling like I should say something but my voice just doesn't come.. Eventually he asks what it is, I say a pair of shoes, he looks at me like I'm a freak 'why didn't you say before!! !!' I'm just stood there speechless.

Yes, I think I should do this more often! To figure out a pose that I can call upon during emergency situation in which I'm literally investing all my energy into talking.

Sometimes, when I can talk but the words keep swimming away a little I also take on a sort of "thoughtful pose" on the spur of a moment. It a great way to buy some time because it often stops people from bursting out with something else in the attempt to avoid short silences.

Deciding on one simple but expressive pose might work for those situations in which I just don't feel as if I have the nerve and energy to worry about what people might think about my eyes averting into the distance and the rest of my body language pausing.



I can relate to that part of shutting down very much.

I'm not sure that it is the same because mine is because of I get overloaded but I think what leads to it is pretty much the same for us.

People who mean good will usually go on, hoping to "help" me by changing the topic, asking if I'm sure about something, asking if it is a different from what I said - I think a lot of people actually get anxious if I don't react the way they expect me to - the continuous questions or other attempts to get me to respond verbally in a fluent, each-to-understand way isn't helping but can make things worse. If people would just calm down and stop bugging others because they're getting anxious... that would help.



That's my number one rule as well! It does help to relax because allowing frustration or anxiety to built up, these emotions will also interfere with proper functioning once they become strong enough.

If only other people would not start to get nervous instead, I'm sure that I'd have a lot less issues with odd reactions to bad speech times.

I suppose it just takes lots of practice, then...