Stuck in my head - high social awareness, yet can't connect

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I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when I was younger, but I think I've grown out of it for the most part, and am now left with common symptoms of social anxiety disorder, without very many autism spectrum symptoms. I wanted to reach out to you guys and ask what you have, and how much you feel you have in common with me, because I honestly feel the online social anxiety and asperger's community are the only ones who can relate to my problems.

I feel like even if I were to become quicker with my social skills, I still won't feel like I really connect with people. It's not that I see people as objects, it's just that when I communicate, it takes so much calculation on my part. Even when I make them laugh I think "Yes! They understand my humor! Mwhaha, maybe I am slightly normal!" rather than feeling a sense of connection with them.

I think I still must be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, even though I have no problem reading people's emotions. I just feel too literal, like I'm in a black/white, yes/no, overly logical mindset most of the time, and I just can't relax and live in the moment.

I used to be angry at the world because I felt the mainstream population is shallow and easily entertained (which is somewhat true), but now I think most anger directed at the world is a form of self-loathing - frustration for not being able to be the person you feel it's so easy for everyone else to be. Maybe I'd be shallow too if my insecurities didn't force me to need to always feel... analytically superior, for lack of a better term. Most people on the middle or far end of the spectrum are forced to accept who they are, but I'd say I'm not too severe a case, so I'm still confused about where I stand and what my potential actually is. "Just accept who you are" sounds like good advice, but I don't know who the heck I am or what I'm capable of being. I just know that feeling like I'm half NT, half aspie is a somewhat lonely existence since I feel no one is that combination in the same way I am.

Anyway, I'm in college studying music, and I'd say I have more in common with the teachers than the students. But I can still get by and function, though I'm by myself most of the time.

So what I'm asking from you guys is just tell me how severe you think your own autism/asperger's/whatever is, and how much you can relate to how I described myself. Thanks!

I can relate to you, as I also feel I can't find my place. I don't know where I stand on the spectrum, or where are those people I can best relate to? I was also given the cumbersome diagnosis 'PDD-NOS', which is unfair imho. Such a diverse, unrecognized label... You are double handicapped when you have to explain it to someone who doesn't know much about ASDs. However, I don't feel it is the right diagnosis for me, it might also be mild AS or very mild HFA, with all the symptoms but to a milder level.

I always felt better when I could be physically close to other people, including my peers. I could speak to them, but I felt the inability to connect with them throughout my life. I still have issues with it, and although I've learned the skills that enable me to hold friendships, it took a long long time, and I still struggle with romantic relationships. To be honest, I see myself more handicapped in this respect than many who supposedly have it harder than me.

Hey there mahler_freak,

I totally relate to pretty much everything you've said. I am an extremely logical and scientific person and I just wish I could let loose sometimes and have a joke and a laugh with people. I also feel like I can't connect with anyone. Sometimes people even feel like they connect with me and when they let me know that they think we're getting better friends I'm just like "what?" haha. but anyway I often feel totally alienated from most people. Small talk, jokey conversation and banter most often completely elude me.
However I do have a large group of friends and acquaintances. I often feel like I have nothing to offer and I'm a completely boring person but I must be doing something right. Without being cocky I think sometimes that the only reason I appear to be doing reasonably well is because I'm not a bad looking lad and I have quirky interesting views on the world. I think if I wasn't either of those things noone would put up with me. It helps that a lot of my friends are probably quite shy, aspie-ish as well. It's weird though because we all appear to be very social. It's a little like an act. I think I've done a really good job of acting NT but it is often so so draining to try and keep the act up.
I used to work as a cashier in a popular supermarket and I was forced into the world of small talk. I found that 5 hour shifts would absolutely drain me. It wasn't like I was exerting myself physically much to cause the tiredness - but it was the fact that I had to make small talk for like 5 hours. So draining!

anyway I hope I haven't digressed too much/ gone off on a tangent - I've been told I have a habit of doing that!
but yeah I'm not diagnosed aspergers although I'm being treated for depression and anxiety. I have an aspergers assessment next week and to be honest I'm really worried about it. It would make a lot of sense to me to be diagnosed aspergers but it's not something I want to be honest (no disrespect to anyone!).

good luck with everything!

Joe

You need to find people you like and take MDMA with them. You're ready for it.

OJani - I can definitely relate, thanks. But I can't say I struggle with romantic relationships since I think I've avoided them altogether because I know I'm too introverted for anything to really work out. I've grown cynical towards dating. It feels too Darwinian of a game for me to play.

Joe, thanks a lot for the detailed reply. I've never had a job, but I'm thinking of trying to get one in order to push me outside of my comfort zone and force me to get better at small talk. It's inspiring to hear that it helped you improve. Good luck with the assessment. Whatever they say, it's just an arbitrary label to fit your symptoms, so you're still the same person.

Fraac - Finding people I'm comfortable around is the tough part. Even if I like someone, I can still be neurotic, and annoyed with myself, which would probably interfere with the trip.

I said people you like. You'll be uncomfortable until you learn that there's no reason to be. MDMA and LSD helped me enormously with this.

You never know; the person you feel like you're having trouble connecting with might feel exactly the same way inside. To a certain extent it is the "human condition" to feel isolated/unsure. You'd be surprised how many who appear to be popular, extroverted, social butterflies are actually nervous wrecks inside.

You sound like you have "glass wall". That's what I call it...it's common for people on the spectrum.

But it doesn't mean you have AS, totally normal for you to feel that way since you were diagnosed with an ASD as a kid.

I have that feeling to, like living in a movie or TV show. It's weird and even after I sociallize A LOT with someone I never really get comfortable but otherwise I do have social awareness and pretty NT social skills.

Most of what you wrote I feel like I could have written myself, almost to the letter.

I've also reached a point where I'm not exactly certain what it is that makes me "not normal". It seems like some things, like difficulty making small talk, partly come down to an emotional/functional difference that can't be overcome intellectually or analytically. It's not so much of a problem of "understanding" what's socially appropriate. I feel like it comes down to "doing" more than "knowing", and there's quite a gulf separating those two things.

I had a childhood PDD-NOS diagnosis as well.

Exactly, marshall, for example: "Pick up the phone, call a complete stranger, introduce yourself, explain your qualifications, ask for a job."

I understand those instructions intellectually, but it's like there is a force field paralyzing me from actually doing it.

But I have found some strategies to trick myself into doing things I don't want to do.

For me, it made me feel like myself for the first time in my life.