What would you call this state of mind?

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It has happened twice already, that I go into certain state of mind in front of a specific person, due to information from surroundings/people, and that person suddenly seems to be afraid of me and starts to avoid me for days and weeks to come. I would like to explain to him (when I can reach him at some time) what was happening to me and that he probably misinterpreted my behaviour. I will describe my state of mind to him similarly to what I am going to do here, but I would like to know if this is something other aspies experience and if this has a name. It felt like "shutdown" describes the situation pretty good, but reading around the net reveals that this term might not cover it, because it is not so much sensory trigger and even more I do not get sad feelings or low self value during it.

To the point now.
The situation that triggered it last time was as follows. I had been aggressive against a random man who somewhat harrased me in a bar. I certainly had kind of rush of adrenaline from hitting him and some stress from verbal conflict accompanying this. Very soon after that I was in a undecided state if I should go home or stay there with my friend (who is the one I need to explain this to). And my friend was talking about his anger towards people who had or hypothetically would in the future intentionally hurt him. It included revenge plans totally over the edge of my ethics. He was probably at least moderately irritated by the harrasser also and under a rush of adrenaline or something. I asked him to stop talking about the revenge topic, but he couldn't. I wasn't judgemental about him I just felt the information he gives me about his thoughts was too much to process at that moment. I knew I should express my opinion that he is being too sadistic, but also I needed some time to process that information. So I think the worst sentence I managed to spell out after some time was that he should not become one of those people himself (meaning the people that intentionally hurt others). And then after a minute or so I said goodbye quickly and walked home. No hugging which we usually did, I just had to get away from that information overload and was not thinking enouch to realize that I was creating an emotional distance by not hugging. It aslo seemed to me during that conversation that at least some moments he was afraid that I could hit him too, maybe due to not approving his revenge plans.

The earlier event that ended he avoiding me, was somewhat similar state I went into because I found out about his self-harming. There were forming thoughts in my head I knew I had to communicate but the information still needed processing and I don't remember exactly what I said out loud, probably not anything too positive but also not totally harshly judgemental. Then I also felt that he became afraid of me on the spot. But I may confuse fear with something else, can't trust my emotion reading abilities.

That friend is not an easy person to communicate with, I know that, no need to point it out when you reply. That's why it's posted in general discussion not in relationships forum. I would instead like someone to tell me about similar experiences with themselves. The inability to communicate thoughts that are not had enouch time to process. And how it might look to others - as what it might be misinterpreted? Does this state have a name? Thanks.



For additional information I'm self diagnosed mild aspie only.
And sorry for my english, it's not my mother tongue.

I don't think he was scared , maybe puzzled and studying your reaction . Does he know anything about asperger's? I think you became avoidant when you couldn't reconcile the person you thought he was with his current behaviour . It's a form of overload , or cognitive dissonance . You needed time to integrate the behaviour into your image of what makes him "him" for you , and accept that it was part of his identity . That's going to be complicated to explain to an NT though , if that's what he is.

Yeah, I think maybe it just takes you longer to process information sometimes and you withdraw to let that happen. I do much the same thing with sleep. New information makes me anxious and I try to integrate it, and it feels very uncomfortable. It helps to get a night's sleep--somehow in the morning it's like I've gotten at least the first connections made. Makes sense in light of the research that has been done on sleep, because sleep (especially the slow-wave, deep sleep) seems to be involved in integrating newly learned information. People who get sleep after they learn something tend to be better at it, retain it better.

Well, I'm totally puzzled, because he avoids me since. Refuses to meet. Instant messaging becomes my monologue. There is something wrong, but I don't know which uncomfortable feeling it is on his side.


I have said that I am autistic, because this term is more widely known, I'm not sure if I have said "aspergers" to him or if he has ever read about it. But now I'm somewhat in need for something to cite to him about this, that's why I posted.


This may be close to point. These situations contained information that was not a complete surprise to me, but the extent to which I had to adapt was greater than what I had previously known. Thanks for noticing, that helps me.

I totally agree with this. Now I just have to find a way to get out from these situations clearly stating that people should not at that moment expect any reaction from me that makes sense, but delete the impression of me, and we could come back to the topic later. I should have a "user manual" to occasionally give to people I talk to

I don't think I can add anything, Ediself and Callista make excellent points. We have a saying, 'it takes 2 to tango', don't place all of the blame on yourself Werewolf. A couple of things I'm wondering is how much did you guys drink that night and does your friend have AS or some other condition? Does alcohol make this problem worse for you?

It could also have been a full moon (I'm sorry I couldn't resist).

I'm not. I just want to save that relationship more than anything and changing a world starts from oneself, so even more does changing something between two people.


Neither one of us was so remarkably drunk that it would have much effect on behavior I think. He is a very difficult person, as I briefly mentioned he has self-harmed, but I don't want to give any more details about him, because I don't know how he might think of it regarding his privacy. Probably he does not have AS though. I try to deal with my quirks and avoid analyzing him too much (though I tend to do it anyway...), because I would probably get it all wrong. Just hoping he does some day tell me himself.

I'm not sure what to tell you, I wish I could help. The only thing I can think of is leaving him a message or email to ask him to talk to you about it because you are afraid you are losing his friendship. Tell him you are confused and ask for his help, that might bring him out. Just a thought.

I'm sorry that I simply analyzed the situation before without actually giving you any tips on what to do, but now that I have had some time to process it and put myself in your shoes, I would say that what you need is a script. Two scripts actually : one to prevent awkwardness as you leave a situation , and one to apologize afterwards in case the first one wasn't enough
Take a pen and a paper and make this a line. Something like "I am feeling a bit confused and I need some time , I will definitely call you tomorrow to talk about this if you want to!" Or something less/more formal depending on your relationship .
Just what I would do if I were you , feel free to ignore me if I'm not helping ! (especially if you came here for us to give you the exact script...I wish I could but it's very personal and has to fit your style of speech!)

Thank you so much for caring. But don't worry it's not such a painful problem that I don't get a straightforward recipe how to solve this. I feel able to figure this out if I collect some bits and pieces to base my thoughts on. I'm reading a book about friendship problems that helps a lot to see where I might not be the easiest person to be friends with and what might be deep motiavations for people to avoid acting as others expect them to. And here I can somewhat fill in the gap what I might look and act like that confuses him, that he has probably not seen in other people.
I asked to meet him and sort this out a day or two after the event - I quite panicked because something there reminded me the earlier event and I assumed he does plan to distance himself again. There was no proof yet that it is actually happening. He refused and it went on as I was afraid of. He said that we will meet some time, he needs time. But that sounds bad, because first time the distance lasted a year, we talked to each other very friendly if we met accidentally, but never called or agreed to meet and he blocked me in instant messaging. I doubt I would stand this taking a year again. It is too sad for me and I can't make an true effort to find new friends if I'm so emotionally attched to him. Okay, no need to go into the depressive topic, I am going to solve this for both of us or just for me. I can give him some time, if he does not aswer my skype calls, I'm not going to become more obtrusive - I've made mistakes with obtrusiveness earlier in my life. Sooner or later we will meet accidentally or he will take one of my weekly calls. Til then I have more time to get better grasp what is so fragile in this relatioship.

Actually yesterday evening I made some cards stating that I have Asperger's and right now I'm in a state where I might give wrong signals so it's better to talk later. I put them into my wallet so I could give them to people in case I'm not able to say the same clearly. I doubt I would ever use them but making them was therapeutic and probably now I'm better able to explain it verbally.

Bars are rarely productive places.