First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

Post Reply New Topic

Question for Aspies:

I've been dating an Aspie for a year and everything is going really well but he needs a lot of alone time. So, we end up spending very little time together. I know he cares a lot. So why doesn't he want to see me more than once per week? I want to understand why he needs so much alone time. Is it related to AS? Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable around me? Thanks!

I’ve joined the site out of pure desperation as I have run out of motivation/steam when trying to resolve the issues that existing between myself (a newly diagnosed AS male) & my fiancée (as an NT female) since we are clearly at opposite ends of the spectrum…and I have no idea how to close the gap!

I can’t stop being AS, she can’t stop being NT & with 7 years investment in this relationship, a young daughter (18 months) & more financial commitments that I care to think about! I can’t just run away an hide my head in the sand (even if it sounds nice for the short term) either & so I am faced with an “arh!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! my head hurts” moment. Thus I have opted to explore ALL of the other options that exist (even if that does involve what may sound like a pointless cry from help!) in the vain hope that someone in (or with experience off) a similar situation to my own may be able to help…..or offer advice?...as I am somewhat desperate.

So to set the scene:-

It was obviously that I was “a little special” from childhood, as although I enjoyed others company, I played happily alone for more time than I guess I should. I had many specialist hobbies and immense focus in specific interests as I grew up, even being described as gifted (a double edge comment!)…..and then I gained the dyslexic diagnosis badge at 11 years of age. Whilst this went some of the way to explain the difference I felt & experienced, it was apparent that something else was a play, albeit not clearly obvious at the time!

Fast forwarding 20 years & I’ve graduated from university with dual degrees, held a successful career as a formula 1 design engineer, enjoyed many life experiences & ended up with the life trappings that suggest reasonable financial success. Relationship wise, it’s certainly been less successful & whilst I have had my fair share of these also (mostly initiated thru internet dating) they ultimately have all failed for the same reasons……differences…& my apparently different personality traits!

Whilst current relationship is very different (being long term & not just a few weeks of fast paced fun), I fear its going much the same way & since being assessed for AS (her suggestion) EVERYTHING I UNDERSTOOF TO BE FACT, NOW SEAMS IN QUESTION?

I feel that I am no longer sure what actions to take, what’s normal & what’s not my fault but her’s……I am more confused than ever before & whilst I can accept that we don’t have great “emotional” communication…I don’t feel I understand how to address the issue I don’t need as much emotional communication on a daily bases as she does…..and this is (I believe) because I have AS.

So how the hell do you provide something you don’t find natural easy to provide? How does any AS person understand if the issue being raises is because of the AS person viewpoint or the NT persons view point? & how on god’s earth can I stop writing “war and peace” and get this blimming thought out on my head?

Oh yes…..hit POST & wait for a reply…

Thanks!

You know what, I'm NT and I think in most relationships it's hard to figure out who's to blame for different issues. The truth is usually no one is, relationships are just hard, they're just about compromise, and everyone is biased and thinks they're right! Instead of trying to figure out who to blame, it's more important to ask how you can both compromise to find a common ground. She wants more emotion, you want less, you both compromise to meet in the middle. You're not wrong for needing it less, she's not wrong for needing it more. You both have individual needs that are perfectly acceptable, but if you both try to get your way it won't work.
So to wrap it up, no blame, neither of you is wrong, everyone has different needs and what makes a relationship special is that both people are willing to compromise to make the other happy.

Thank you "McAnult" for the comment & taking the time to reply.......as i agree in what you are saying.... meeting in the middle is the goal & no one is to blaime. BUT it feels very "by numbers" and alien to be honest.

Any suggestions on how to avoid the same routines & questions...like coming in from work, asking how the days been, ask how the babies been etc

Thanks

Hi toddster

I don't know if my bf has aspergers as it's not been diagnosed but he has some strong traits of it. Like mcanulty has said relationships in general can be hard to figure out who's to blame and a lot of times people are just to busy pointing fingers at each other.

As your girlfriend pushed for a diagnosis she most likely understands your issues, at that point I'd assume she'd have to be reasonable too. She can't expect to many things of you that may be your hardest issues.

And you know the whole "No one is to blame" ^^; Sometimes someone is to blame lol. But that's okay, it's good to realise hey I do "This" and it irratates the crap out of you, or hey you do "that" and it upsets me. Everyone has issues, for a relationship to work there needs to be compromise. Like you'v stated you can't change you she can't change her, but you can just learn by what works for each other.

How alien can it be, you love her don't you?You had a baby right? Maybe small talk isnt the great, that is usually the first thing to go in any relationship.


Why do you want to avoid those questions, how the baby is , hows work? Those are great things! I wish my boyfriend would do them. People really appreciate hearing those things, it feels like they actually care about how their day went.

You do things for her that you may not care to have back, maybe you don't care to be asked things, but as your in a relationship you'll have to do things for her. And she will have to do things , like maybe giving you time alone. Giving you a chance to put your head in the sand

Maybe you can tell me what some of your issues are in a PM , If i can be a help I'll try

I'd actually consider my strongest point is my ability to speak and converse with people, I'm very outgoing, and I am great at meeting with new people. I usually end up learning most about their life in such a short conversation or them about mine. So maybe I can help , or hopefully I can give any points.

My boyfriend has an awkward time joining in, but I feel I contributed to some of his losing of some very strong traits that were preventing him from having conversations with people. He'll always be ab it awkward around people and never a great talker, but it's always about making himself not feel left out or feel out of place. But honestly he'd rather just not be involved as it doesn't interest him too much.

You can't always tell when your exactly butting in, I mean really butting in, is joining in. It sounds like possibly the people your having conversations with or trying to interact with are not the nicest of people.

I find it natural on when it's time to pause when it's time to talk, but even "nt" people a lot of them have a hard time with that. And it's more about acceptance, nothing is truly routine and rigidity.

The people you may be talking to who tell you to join in, may already have a "vision" they expect from you. Maybe try with a newer group of people?

It depends what kinda group your going into. Is it friends, is it random people, is there one friend in the group.

Always enter and listen the conversation at hand, if someone is having a long winded rant, of course it may be rude to say something right then. But maybe I don't care I always shout HI when approaching, usually they will pause and look and say hi then continue, that is the point where I will allow them to finish. And then once their finish I may try to relate to the subject, or allow others in the group to relate to it.

Can you give me an example at all of the subject some may speak about? Sometimes it's great to bring up your special interests, sometimes it's nice to change to subject, but you want a reason why your changing to subject. Really as friends it should just be natural talking about whatever the heck you want. Different in a "Strange" new people.



@CanisMajor

You don't always know what to do , but that's the point is to just meet new people and kinda have fun at the party itself, dancing, food.

Use the time of the party to meet new people, sometimes they'll all be jerks, sometimes though you'll meet great people. It'd be nice if you go to a party with someone else you know, most who go to parties don't go alone as it allows for them to have a duo into conversations and just to have each other to fall back into so they're not just sitting there most the party.

But if you are alone, try to make a companion at the party. Don't feel like your intruding simple feel like your the new one trying to meet new people. People are honestly fine with people wanting to meet new people. At least mature people.

If you know someone in a group approach the group talking directly to the person, with an introduction "Hey john~ " then maybe turning to the others, seeing their expressions are they kind faces, are they kinda snobby, if they seem pretty kind/looking at you just introduce yourself "Hi , I'm ___ " then perhaps "I know john from __" Perhaps the conversation will go on, they'll ask you questions , or perhaps they will cut the conversation off, by either turning each other and talking to someone behind them. Never over stay if you feel uncomfortable or unwelcomed, just say nice meeting them etc, or "I'm going to get a drink, hopefully see you later" (bar) Etc

If it's a group you don't know, you just gotta go for it. If you a single(entity) person I'd suggest trying to look for another singled out person. Going up to them, and trying to have a conversation with them. Introduce yourself, or use something like. "Ah the decorations in here are great" or "Doesnt that cake look yum.." or "How do you like the music?" something that can start a conversation, usually you can get the vibe off them, if they answer your question, etc, but if they simple are like "mhm.." and ignoring you take that as a sign of the persons not wanting to interact and leave the conversation, always leave by saying something that's relevant to what you just said, if you said cake looks great say , I'ma go get some more dessert , see ya. ETC. you never just want to awkwardly leave a situation with no words, it seems rude

Everytime you start conversations with people all over the room appropriately and then always leaving properly with byes, you can restart a conversation with them later on, possibly getting to know them more later on. Unless they felt super unresponsive then unless they approach you don't approach them.

And Yes the structure is sometimes all over the place, but sometimes there is so much to talk about, sometimes the comment was irrelevant, sometimes its just not interesting instead of drawing attention to that, they simple move on, its the more polite thing to do.

And sometimes parties just completely suck! lol it's always best to meet friends at places you love like gaming areas, or computer labs, or librarys, or at a sports centre etc. If you intent is finding friends.

Hopefully I made any useful comments at all, if not sorry ^^;..

Question for people with AS.
Is it normal for you to pick your special interest over your special person ( like boyfriend or girlfriend ect. )
Is it something that can't be helped? Or is it something you can control?

What do you mean by "pick over", exactly? If I was doing something related to my special interest I wouldn't necessarily just drop everything because they wanted to do something, for instance. If they gave me an ultimatum (drop the interest or I leave) I would consider us incompatible and let them leave. I would really resent being asked to make such a choice. But sure, if they really needed me (and I knew it) I'd be there for them.

My special interests are part of who I am. Could I control it? Only by completely suppressing who I am and being miserable.

That is funny Butters your question , as it happens for people even without AS. Like in relationships a lot of times people have to overcome the lack of not spending time with their couple , and actually make time to be with them,

But I do wonder, people with AS should you expect that it is harder for them to stop doing what they are doing.

I think (??) They are asking, If they were doing their special interests, could they stop at any time, and then spend time with you or it can't be helped that they stay on track till they're complete or maybe obsessive about the interest to point not spending time with you.

I'm curious ..about that myself..

I think the person is not worth your time AS Or not , if they are not ever spending time with you , and only ever do their special interests, at that point you are not their special interests, or in a proper relationship with respect. I think Though you can be more forgiving with AS.

My bf (Not sure if AS) would drive me crazy sometimes..because he is a perfectionist, he would configure and program, he goes through stunts of things he becomes obsessed with must fix then is fine for weeks- month then he does something else. This little projects. That take ALL his time. Like one time he was programming his router/ other stuff and he ignored me for like 3-4 days with little talking. (we lived together) . And another time while compiling a few different distros/Programming /assembly code. He ignored me for those stunts too. It really upset me, because I couldnt even get in a hello.I realise now he was hyper focusing though. He honestly can not drop what he is doing. He needs to do what he is doing or he will freak out. Meltdown? It's weird. So I'v learned to deal with it. And give him his time

BUT that was in our earlier relationship ,we did break up for 4 months one time. Now he actually wants to spend time with me more, and go to park or watch movies. He gets those little "Must be on computer" Must fix car" But since he hasnt been using computer as much since our son, he doesn't get them as often. And I don't mind because it's not for weeks on end like before.

There needs to be moderation.

Question for NTs
How on earth can you be so sociable to everyone you meet?

@ Butters!

I have AS....& i have many special interests of which some are shared with others. They often get in the way of things (life, relationship & work etc) as I believe you would find in any person life... AS or NT alike!

BUT as an individual with AS i find it very hard to "turn off" my special interest since it feels mostly "sub-conscious"……even when I understand I shouldn’t follow that interest….I cant help thinking about it & turning in on myself for follow it….almost automatically as if I am not even thinking about it, just doing it & that's also how my NT alcoholic friend described the need for a drink?

Personally I feels like I have an addictive personality! I have read others with AS comment likewise………….but I appreciate that NT’s can also be like this..….i guess it comes down to the odds your mind calculates when assessing the pro’s versus the con’s....nobody is perfect....and we all make mistakes.

Shortly after the birth of our first child, I became aware that my husband exhibits alot of the traits I've read are typical of those with Asperger's Syndrome. I spoke with his mother about this because she is a special needs teacher. She told me that she's thought this for a long time, but chose not to tell him because she thought it would not be helpful to "label" it. I went along with that, and just tried to change my expectations and understandings to be able to communicate with him better. Now, we're considering having another child. I'm recalling how I felt upset that his mother didn't tell me she suspected my husband may have AS prior to us having children. I likely would have chosen to get pregnant anyway, but felt robbed that I did not have that choice, as I have read that its around 30% likely my child would have AS. Again, I would probably have chosen to have a child, but it would be good to know what to expect. Lately, my husband and I have been having more problems, and we're also considering having another child. I feel like I am being deceptive to him by not sharing my suspicions with him. My question is to those with Asperger's. Was it better for you when you were diagnosed, or do you sometimes wish you weren't labeled? Would you be angry if your husband/wife/parent believed you to be AS and didn't share it with you? Would it be something you would want to know before deciding to have a child? I hate having this responsibility, but don't want to share this with my husband out of selfishness, but only if its whats in his best interest. By the way, I'm just now beginning to learn about AS, so I hopefully haven't offended anyone with my phrasing or questions.

@ Melenie....

In answer to your question "Was it better for you when you were diagnosed, or do you sometimes wish you weren't labeled?" whilst keeping in mine that i myself am an 37 year old male, with a 18month of daughter & having (within the last 6 months) been officially diasgnosed with AS.....

I would say that being officially diagniosed has NOT been a major advantage or disavantage either way, its simply "openned the door to futher exploration" & allowed be to get over the fact that AS & my feeling of being a little different is more understood than i imagined. But it is still not easy to accept the badge at times, even having been awaire something existing to make me stand out from an early age!

Likewise, whilst my partner pushed me to get the diagnosis & i am grateful @ times for her actions & effort. i am also very resentfull (at times) as i wish I didnt no about it when it all feels to much to handle...

Finally my question to you in regards to your "in HIS best interest" comment is....IS IT HIS, YOURS or BOTH of you that benifits for finding out? As it sound slike you are reasonable sure anyhow?

PM if you wish.

@ Toddster...

Thanks very much for your response! Its really helpful to see your point of view, esp since it sounds like you are very similar to my husband. He is that age, and we have a toddler. In response to your question, I think its my best interest and ours...I just didn't want to tell him if it wasn't in his best interest, too. I hated the thought of him feeling self-conscious or an outcast, etc. if it wasn't going to have any positives to him. What you've posted sounds very reasonable, and also some that I wouldn't have thought about...like him resenting me, or being burdened by the responsibility of having to deal with it. But that was my biggest fear - that I was being selfish because my main motivation was that I'm not able to deal with it just by managing my expectations and trying to change my communication style. I need him to help me and understand me, too. Dealing with it on my own has been too much. I speak in the past, because I did decide to tell him. I didn't get much of a response - he's now researching it on his own. But, I finally made the decision because I am honestly not strong enough to deal with it on my own and can't take him thinking I'm crazy - its just hit a dead end in trying to work through our issues.

Can you (or anyone else) share experiences with seeking an "official diagnosis". Do you just go to a psychologist that specializes in autism / AS? Any wisdom to impart there?

@ Melenie,

You are spot on 'not' to try & deal with everything on your own as you really do need to think about whats good for YOU & OTHERS in all this rather that just give give give or change change change! So with that 1st high hurdle crossed, you can at least have a dialog about your concerns & issues with your man... & that cant be a bad thing. Even if you disagre (which you mostly will to start i bet?) you are atleast on the same page, if not the same route!

But as for "managing expectations" i personally feel its like "spinning plates!" Sometimes it all goes well & sometimes they just crash down around your ears! Being awaire of AS helps understand why they crash & enables you to work together to pick up the pieces....but it doesnt stop it....or at leasy it hasnt for me & my partner yet.....but it does helps start up afterward.

The thing being that (& I often have to remind my other half about this) for 37 years I have formed a character, a personality & (at times) my messed up AS thought patterns! So just because a woman in Brighton (uk) gave me a letter to say in have AS, it doesnt mean i instantly work to a new NT rule book & foret about AS! It takes along time to learn the new NT rules, its bloody confusing & at times i'm just to tired to really cope with it all? But why you might ask as i want to? well maybe it helps to think of it like this:-

**For every conversation an NT person may have, I suspect you also have an internal voice playing devils advocate? BUT for me as an Aspie, i have a three way internal conversation on top of the external conversation to try & cope with! And that's bloody hard to deal with.....I have the "unawaire" devils advocate who's trying to make sense of it all from my default AS position? I have the "awaire" aspie who's trying to think of what's going on from an NT perspective! And then a third voice SHOUTING loudly over the top, WHAT is the NT perspective? All whilst trying to listen to the external voice! If you put me in a pub, with more that one person taking its multiplied up & thus my brain zones out!

Almost in a self protection mode....and i visable retreat into myself.....not because i;m not wanting to listen, not because i'm no interested to what's being said, but because its like a load echo in my head that's still dealing with the initial words as the next load pass into my ears.......arh! And its times like that i wish i never new!

However,.......i hope in time the NT perspective becomes a little more normal..........and that;s down to experience.....

good luck.






AS who's now awaire of the fact, I ha! the 1 external conversation, the 1 internal old pure unawaire AS voice playing devils advocate & now a new AS

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now- I BELIEVE he may be an Aspie- He has not been diagnosed however my therapist feels this may be the case. When I first gave her the scenario she stated he sounded like he may have Aspergers. I shrugged it off thinking this guy isnt autistic ( I knew nothing about Aspergers and as she was explaining it to me I shut her out for the most part) I googled some of his characteristics and everything I found came back as possible Aspergers. I furthered my research except this time I went through his books. Its hard to describe how I felt but what I found was..different.. I found a book on how to read facial expression, and a ton of books on Stoicism, Socrates and finally a book called The Little Prince. My boyfriend is sensitive to some lights, such as the little light on the fridge door by the water dispenser and my alarm clock neon blue light. He also dislikes the fan in the room because of the noise. My wind chimes have been taken down from outside. He watches videos on firearms and knives everyday, for hours and hours. We do not spend a lot of time together. He is a security guard at night all alone. He eats a small variety of food. Has never asked me about my past and doesnt want to discuss his.The fact that we never communicated our prior lives was the first sign to me that something was a bit different than the norm. Then after a few months when I felt he may be a sociopath because his behavior was different than I am used to, I looked more into it..I am trying to treat this as possible Aspergers.In other words, I want to know how to handle this because I love him. I think he had the books on Stoicism because I feel he doesnt know he may be an Aspie so he was trying to figure himself why he is the way he is? idk I refuse to bring this up to him. It isnt my place to do so. He only has friends on Facebook and He wants me around but he doesnt want to socialize much with me. We snuggle at night then I go to bed and he stays awake all night..Advice Please-