Needing input from intelligent people, please and thank you.

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So heres my dilema, hopefully, I can have some light shed on all of this. I took all of those tests that I could and I seemed to get mixed scores, I am well aware these are not diagnoses and do not represent much at all. I am not inclined to say that I have Aspergers, but its very possible that maybe I am in the spectrum. The biggest reason I believe this may be the case is after reading and learning about some of the members on this site; I have honestly never felt so at home. My entire life has been a struggle to find myself and my "niche". I believe I have something to offer the world I just have no idea how to go about doing anything I want to do, let alone even know what it is that I want to do. I've always excelled in anything that I have put my mind to, then inevitably I lose motivation and I have to force myself to even want to get out of bed in the mornings.


A little about myself, and I am writing this in hopes that someone out there in this absolutely wonderful community might have dealt with similar feelings and might have some advice on a path that I could possibly look into following. I am 22 years old, and as previously stated, have struggled to know who I am. I know that my biggest issue in not knowing who I am stems from a substance abuse problem that I have had since I was about 12. I am now 4 months sober, couldnt be more thrilled but it had led to a void in my life that I absolutely refuse to refill with drugs. Being sober opened up things inside me that I wasnt aware of, they had masked, now obvious, issues that I do not know how to deal with. I want so badly to get professional help with all of this but I live paycheck to paycheck and do not have any form of health insurance. I dont have anyone in my life as any form of support system. Part of sobriety meant breaking all ties that I had to drugs and drug friends. This has left me 100% alone and very sad. I know I am doing the right thing but right now it doesnt feel right. I have worked hard for what I have and have struggled as long as I can remember, does life ever get any easier? Do we just struggle every day of our lives until we die and thats it? I have a hard time seeing a point in any of that.


Let me be a little more specific, my entire life I have felt as if I was wired differently than other people. I go about things in a much more precise way, that it comes off as if I am trying to act pompus or arrogant. That is not at all the case. A lot of what I have been reading lately is centered around social interacions/understandings. I would consider that I am usually right on point about other peoples motives, feelings, and the way I react to these things. I'm not sure how to say this in a way that will be clear but I will give it a shot. As far back as I can remember, I have had such an issue connecting on a deep level with anyone, and heres where the arrogance part comes in, because more often than not I can guess ahead of time how most people will act, and not exact words but I have a pretty good idea of what people will say in response to things. This has become so pressing my in life that I find myself trying to be wrong, playing games that are unfair to other people specifically to see how they will react or what they will do. The amount of times that I am right just sends me further and further into the thought that I'm just different. I tend to pick apart relationships with anyone that tries to be close with me before I know what I'm doing and its just not healthy to be and feel so alone.

Not sure my point in posting this but I have no where to turn and I need some answers because I am extremely unhappy and cannot continue in this way. I feel a breaking point coming close and closer. My sobriety is important to me and I need an alternative avenue. If anyone has any advise or just wants to chat, I am desperate for intelligent human interaction.

Can anyone relate to any of this? I know this is very winded and im sure slightly all over the place but thats about where my brain is, I cant sleep because it never shuts off. I am losing function and desire to wake up and I need help. This is my last resort. I am so happy to have found this forum and I hope that I can get some clairty or advice or anything.

Thank you guys for atleast listening, Im off to work for now so I hope to hear from anyone when I get back

Did you have a traumatic childhood? Because a lot of what you mention, particularly the age at which you began to abuse substances and your personal relationships with people, seem indicative of child abuse/neglect.

Do you attend any NA or AA programs? Because I know a few people who have gained long term friendships and vital support networks through them, so if not it may be worth looking into.

Also, maybe read Stephen Fry's first autobiography.

I'm always willing to give human interaction to someone who's feeling down (although I can't guarantee I'll be excellent help). I've been told I'm a stellar listener (well, reader, but hey).

Welcome. A lot of people, including myself, will be able to relate to you. WP is kind of a "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt" site. Some of us have been in and out of love. Some of us have been verbally, sexually & physically and some have perpetrated it. Some of us have abused hard drugs and been involved in crimes. Some of us have stared death in the face and some of us have spent a lot of time in psych hospitals.

I was just thinking today and yesterday about if I'll be spending the rest of my life alone. I've been alone for years and it's kind of depressing to think no one could live with me because I'm demanding or difficult or just too darned different. It's something I struggle with a lot these days, and the only thing that helps is to keep a sharp focus on my special interest which, at the moment, is writing short stories. I wonder, though - do I have to keep writing short stories or moving from interest to interest for the rest of my life just to not give in to crippling depression? I do take meds, but they can only help so much.

I hate being depressed or drug addicted or socially isolated or different. Yeah, sometimes I hate being an aspie. just try to remind myself things could be worse.

Yes ... drugs can provide a false sort of socialization when you're young; they did for me. It wasn't the drugs so much as the false socialization that was my problem. Once I got away from drug "friends", it more or less cleared up without any intent/effort on my part. I can't say I never have a little puff, but it certainly isn't a need or a lifestyle anymore. But losing that false socialization was very, very difficult and it's left me rather isolated.

12 is awfully early to start having these sorts of issues.



It's unusual around here to be able to think in the moment, fast enough to be "right on point" with one's reactions. But the rest is very familiar to me. Because I have little intuitive understanding ... I have developed a conscious understanding. This awareness isn't always pleasant, and others can see it as threatening. I know - because I seem to be an open book to others, as well.



You haven't mentioned anything about your family. A conspicuous absence.

I can't be of much help, but I wanted to say really well done for all that you have achieved. Not everyone that gets dragged along the road of substance abuse can make it back, and although you never really get over an addiction, just being able to cope with life without it is a huge step.

I can relate in terms of losing motivation, it's difficult finding it again. My only advice is to find something you're interested in, and if you lose focus of that, then find something else.
Maybe you could look at career choices? I, for example, want to become a pilot, so I've committed myself to learning everything I can about aeroplanes and flight school, etc,

I would also suggest community work, or volunteer work. I used to work at an S.P.C.A cleaning after animals all day, and it was quite satisfying knowing that I was doing something for someone other than myself.

Life doesn't have to just be about stress, if you can find things that help you unwind, it can create a good balance. I'm sure everyone would go mad if all they ever do is work and worry, but when you can do something that is safe and comforting/ makes you feel happy -- then you will always have that to go to.

I know it's not the same, but I used to self harm since I was 7 until I was 18, it felt like I was living in a huge black void, nothing was worth the effort and I would often just lie in bed all day listening to depressing music, but then I thought I've had enough, so I started getting out of the house with my cheap disposable camera and taking long bike rides, and generally just exercising since it releases endorphins (something self harm does as well). In the end I found a safe substitute that made me feel good and eventually I got myself out of that void and started to find other things which made me happy and comfortable. A big one was space and Astronomy. It's mesmerizing and vast and instantly made me realise how insignificant everything is, and how minute my problems are, so now I try and just live my life the way I want to since we've got only one shot at it, might as well enjoy it, right?

I'm not so great on the advice, sorry, I'm not always certain about what people are asking, but that's the result of my interpretation. I just hope you can get out of the "void" -- it's not a pleasant place to spend your life.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, you are in the right place

My husband has the same problem: he cant sleep because his brain never shuts off. What he does is watching TV until he falls sleep. I think TV kind of numbs his brain. He also looses the desire to wake up when he is depressed. What he does is looking for something new that interests him: a new hobby, learning something new, doing something he wanted to do and never found the time to do. That restores the desire for living. Hope it helps you. Hugs.

I second the advice of going to AA/NA meetings. They're free and they know all about addiction.

I've never used any substances, so I can't really relate on that level, but I know all about wondering who you are and feeling alone.

My parents and Family have just kind of never really been around. My father took off when I was a child and even before he took off I never really saw him. My Mother tried as hard as she could but she was just so stressed out all the time and so overwhelmed I never really tried to bring any sort of problem to her. I always felt like I could never be the one who brought her anymore problems than she already had. I do have a brother but I dont know him. He was with my dad most of our childhood and neither of us made any effort to get to know eachother. I have been on my own since I was about 16 and worked my ass off for everything I have. I just, like I said, can't keep doing this.

I have attended NA and AA before and eventually I just shut off and stop answering my phone when people call me to invite me out. I dont know why I do that but somedays I can barely muster the motivation to go to work, which im not even sure I would do if it didn't directly effect my lively hood.

Reads very similar to my own situation. Except if my dad had left when I was very young, I would've been fortunate. I grew up with my sister but we don't really connect - although there isn't any animosity, either.

When my Mom stabilized, we started to connect more. We don't see each other or call each other often, but when we do, we communicate very well. There was animosity once, but we seem to be good friends now.

I think family is really important. You can commiserate with your mom without burdening her, you know. Just keep it to problems that you are managing, not the ones you can't. Sounds like she could use someone to talk to, as well. It might take time. My Mom and I didn't really get along until I was very nearly 30.



I have a recurring problem with dropping contact with people as well. Twice now, I have left the city I lived in ... with the intent to lose contact with everyone. I know why now. It's because I need to retreat sometimes, and people prevent it. Then I start getting depressed and anxious. When I try to explain to them I need to be left alone for a while, they become concerned and increase interaction - they think it is because I have become depressed and anxious, they have the cause and consequence backwards. People think they know what's best for others, sometimes. Anyway that leaves me with two options: complete nervous breakdown, or cut contact.

I don't think it's always good to relate to people on the basis of problems alone. Sometimes its good to have a friend or two that'll help you forget your problems.

When things went bad for you, did you resort to alcohol?

Your staying sober these past four months is a great achievement, SpencerUnresolved. And admittedly I've never had a problem with alcohol. Still could your lack of motivation, feeling unhappy, insomnia, etc. be withdrawal symptoms? (And if you do have some Aspie traits, you would have you done some research on your own to see if what you are experiencing are withdrawal symptoms. If not, you can start!)

What are you doing for physical activity?

Your brain needs the good neurotransmitters coursing through it to make you feel good and to allow your brain to sleep. Your brain can make these neurotransmitters but you'll need to start it up by engaging in some kind of physical activity, like running, fast walking, or climbing stairs.

And have you thought about talking to a priest, pastor, imam or rabbi? You don't have to be a member of a church, mosque or synagogue to ask for help. Religious men and women tend to be caring types and spend some of their time listening to their members' troubles as well as dispensing advice. Having someone to talk to, who is willing to make the time to listen, is one way to finding your way. I know it has helped me. Is this something you could do too?