My nt-as marriage

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Okay, your son shouldn't be victimized by this situation. What's between you and your wife is between you and her; what's between you and your son is between you and him. He needs to see you as often as is appropriate and good for him, not as often as your wife feels like letting you. As a father, you have the right to see to the well-being of your child. Unless she can prove it's unhealthy for you to see him, I'd recommend finding some support for getting enough time with him at times that are right for him and workable for you. Is there someone you can turn to who can help you stand up for yourself and your son on this? Who leads your support group? Can they help?

It is my wifes birthday today. My son and I are cooking dinner for her and half of my family tonight. she is very happy we are doing this.

My family in some ways see this as a positive step, but some members wonder y it is happening. Why would u host a birthday dinner for the woman who broke your sons heart only a few weeks ago?
I am not naive enough to think it is a sign that we are heading in the right direction, but would like to think it counts for something.
My wife knows I still have hope so in many ways this dinner will be very painful for me. I just don't even know if my wife realizes this.

Your are Asperger's and she is NT --- Here is the problem in a nut shell

I am on my third wife (the last one is the only wife to even make any adjustments in what she expects of our relationship to be to account for Asperger's).

Virtually all NTs expect us to act just like them. They often require us to make the changes to interface with their lives. They assume that we can just learn to act like they want. That we all can just do what is what they want - they can do it so from their point of view everyone can, end of the though train! NTs often view all problems in an AS/NT relationship as our failures not theirs.

In reality it takes two to Tango! Hard cold fact you are both to blame for the mess --- and yes you can fix some of the problems --- but never all of them. She must come at least part way to meet you on a middle ground somewhere between the two ways of existence.

Believe me -- There is no chance in H**l that you will every get the body language thing worked out -- That circuitry is missing from your brain!! ! You will never get the "I am listening to you dance" just right nor will you be able to read her "I want the opposite of what I just said" dance reliably" Yes, in some places and at times you can puzzle out and respond correctly to these body language "dances" but it will never be easy for you or reliable. And while you should try to improve in this area - she must come to the realization that she needs to place requests into plain English words to ensure that you know what is needed. She needs to understand that times "would you like to do" is not the same as saying "Will you do".

It took both of you to mess things up - it will take both of you to fix it. I have had two wives that were unwilling or unable to see that they they needed to change as well so that we could meet somewhere. If indeed she sees this as your problem to fix without her making much effort to change - this relationship if already over - you might as well get the hurting started as you are in for a great deal of hurting - then healing - then getting on with your life.

I once told a mother that just discovered that her child was an Asperger's that she may well raise a future President, Inventor, or famous musician - that her child could and probably grow up to sire children and be a great and loving father that she could be truly proud of --- but there was no chance that she was going to raise a "normal" adult. Likewise you will never be a normal husband - as an Asperger's you bring both weaknesses and strengths to your relationships - hopefully you wife or a future one accepts this about you.

Well said mr pickles. I know that I am putting in the effort 100%, I cant do anymore. She has the seperation, she has our son,she holds all the cards. I am seeing a councillor. Over to her really . But I understand she needs time before she wants to rebuild the bridge ( presuming she does of course)

Doesn't mean that I am not in a world of pain and living in hope but in some way the pain might be less because I tried.

have seen my counsellor..

i am doing well with changes being made...

she has told me my wife is undecided..neutral
when she knows i will also
so it really is up to her..
so i am in a shade of grey, not black or white...

I'm sorry, Ozman. I can't imagine the torture you must feel not knowing. I applaud your fortitude. You obviously really love both your wife and your son and I hope in the end the right solution appears and you are happy.

Yes it is absolute torture.... I am in real limbo land... and it could be like this for several months...and in the end I could get nothing but a thanks, but no thanks
I do love my wife and son so much...and that is why I am hanging in there...
The seperation is easier in that we are both taking time out in seperate houses but still difficult

I got so low today I had to ring a mens help group...I really feel that this whole seperation thing is like a rubber band.. Just as I start to think there is hope my wife stretches the band a little further, then a little further, it is like she is slowly withdrawing from my influence. Well I hope she knows that you can only stretch a rubber band so far..
I am willing to give her space but she has to give me some commitment down the track, i can't stand to be in limbo land for ever...

Although I've seen improvement in my relationship, and had more hope of late, I've had my confidence shaken again from time to time. This process is very long and nerve wracking, I agree.

We're all still with you on this one, ozman.

(Did I ever mention that's me on the left in my icon and my girlfriend on the right? That's from a picture taken of us at a little party my family had for us to celebrate our 10th anniversary together in 2010.)

I know I've mentioned this before, but could you try to talk to your counselor about possible ways to remain friends during your separation? You and your wife do have a son together. Your wife seems like a relatively inflexible person, but beyond that she is not abusive; she seems to love your son just as you do. Whatever happens, it is really important that the two of you stay on good terms, so that your son can have two parents who are not fighting over him. If you could work out a schedule--say, for example, that your son comes to visit every Saturday, or something similar.

Thanks for your support. I can accept my wife's need for space. I am now feeling financial stress but that's just me I guess. I just take one day at a time but I hope I make it thru all this without some form of breakdown or worse.

>My wife has just spent nearly $10 000 of our money buying stuff for her new house
This is a red flag. I am not an attorney, but in my personal opinion you should be prepared to seek legal council-- like yesterday.

lawyers.. hmmm.. no i am holding off based on counsellors advice and the fact that all major assets are in joint names.. but hey I could be screwed. but we both will i guess. i hate this negativity.

The odds are not with me though apparently only about 20% of nt-as marriages can be saved. but im an optimist. but im in a god awful rubbish place. If my wife knew it was over she should have the courage to face up and tell me

I think I am doing everything I can at least
but you will find out online whatever happens.

I was helping my wife assemble some furniture in our investment property.. ( she is living there. me in the family home).. I said I like what you have done to the place...She said it is good that you like the place because if things work out for us, I can see us living here. I said absolutely could live here. I took that as a very positive step for her to be actually considering a possible future with me... long way to go though but at least she is thinking about it..

I notice you don't seem to be using your blog feature. I recommend charting the progress of things there, which would be something others could read and benefit from. This was my hope with my assessment blog, and I think yours could be really beneficial to others. Also, others can comment on your posts there, which you can check for. (You won't receive e-mail notifications when new comments arrive, but the list of your posts will include info on how many comments each post has gotten. Then you can check the post itself to see what each comment is.) It's not that you shouldn't post in threads, but this thread is becoming so blog like that I think you have a need to fill. You might begin by copying and pasting your posts so far from this thread into a single blog post, so that folks reading it can get caught up. Then add each time something new happens. You might feel even more free to express yourself and able to go more into the things you need to explore about how you feel and what you think. I made much more involved blog posts than I did in the forums, which really let me deal with a lot more than I could in forum posts. I think it'd be really good for you, as well as others. Just think about it. If you give it a try and don't like it, this thread will still be here. It's just an option to consider.

Glad for the positive moment you had with your wife, btw. Always good to hear good news, even if it's just a little encouragement giving you greater hope. It does seem like a positive sign.