how do I fix this?

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Hi all,



Since learning last year that I have Aspergers has really made me understand so much of my life - the difficulties, the anxieties, the obsessive interests, etc. It was the missing piece of the puzzle, but a frustrating piece.



Here's my dliema. I have a friend at work, casual at best, but we've known each other over 20 years. Two years ago his daughter died in an accident, and, out of caring and concern, I reached out, seeking to be his friend. Our conversations now have nothing to do with his loss (though I am willing to listen if he needs a sympathetic ear).



As I sought to be a supportive friend, I kind of became consumed with it, and it became an obsession. In researching, I have found that becoming obsessed with a person can happen to people with Asperger's. What I would do it pass by his ofice, if his door was open, I'd stop in to chat for a few minutes. Back after his loss, we talked almost every day, now it is once a week, and again, we don't talk about his loss, usually the Yankees, what we're doing over the weekend, etc. His office is right on the way to the bathroom, so i pass it a few times a day.



Also, I have grown fond of him - kind of a brohterly love kind of way, not a gay thing or anything like that (I say that because I know how it may sound to some people).



Every now and then, espeically when he doesn't talk much, I worry that somenow he picked up on my obsession, or my deeper feelings for him. He has never said anything to indicate that, but I worry about it sometimes. I really wish I knew how he really felt about me - if he considers me a friend or an annoyance, but we never really know where we stand with anyone.



Okay here's my question - if it is the worst case scenario - if he felled stalked at all, misunderstood my feelings, etc, how do I fix it?



Its tricky, if he never picked up on any of that, I won't want to apologize for something that never entered into his mind. I honestly have backed off a bit - if I talk to him Monday, for example, I won't even try to talk to him again until Thursday or Friday. And if he considers me a freind and i am just being my paranoid self, I don't want to back off needlessly.



Last month I was out sick for a week and had a couple of days off as well, when I saw him after cmoing back, he said "where have you been?" so I guess if he didn't like me coming by, he wouldn't have asked that.



If I just act normal, not getting too "clingy" (for lack of a better term), is there a chance that he could forgive the obsessive behavior (if he ever thought that at all)?



Thanks in advance

I seriously doubt he's concerned about your 'stalking', since your contact with him seems to be only at work and then only once every few days. We tend to get the idea that everyone knows what we're thinking and feeling, when in fact that's not the case, more often than not. I'd say you have nothing to worry about.

I think the key would be reciprocity, which we're so bad at. Does HE ever initiate contact with you? If not, then better distance.

Thanks - I think that's it - I am so conscious of my feelings, that I think that maybe I overstepped here and there. Making it worse in my mind is that while seeking advice on another forum, someone said it sounded like I was stalking, but I really don't think he thinks that. I'm sure I am just being paranoid as usual - LOL.

One thing I've noticed is that when at work, if I say good morning to someone they always say it back. But if I don't say good morning, noone hardly ever says it to me. If I continued not to do it though, I don't see how that would cultivate good feelings about me in their minds.

One thing I do with people I like is be always frequent, but mostly brief. I'll just pop in an office and wave and say "hey guy, how's it going this morning?" or simply "good morning". They'll usually return the courtesy and then I'll move on, but sometimes that prompts them to say something else. If its about the weather or something impersonal, I'll respond to that briefly, and then move on. If its more personal, I'll take that as a good time to chat.

Once in a while, if I feel they're up to it, I'll linger a bit to talk about something. If they don't take their eyes off the screen, that tells me they are saying with their body,"I'm busy right now." but if they give me their full attention, I'll chat a bit.

He doesn't initiate contact, but then again, neither do most of my work friends that I talk to outside of my aisle, so it's hard to judge by that.

It was funny, he was busier earlier this week, and then Thursday, I was on my way out to walk, and as I passed the elevator, and he came out. We did have a nice chat on the way outside, and we talked for a few minutes yesterday as well.

Good points! He is often pretty busy, so if he seems busy, I will just say good morning, and I'll be on my way. If he engages me in conversation a little, I stay and chat. It does come down to reading body language and picking up on social cues, which can be difficult at times.

I find that as well - that many times if i don't say good morning, others won't say it either. It is very hard to pass people and not at least say hello.