Proud To Be An Aspie

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I've had a life of pain, misery and suffering. It wasn't all due to aspieness, but that definitely contributed to my isolation and social awkwardness. I wouldn't wish Asperger's on a dog.

I'm ashamed of having obsessions that put me to shame and seperate me from the norm and make other people fed up with me (even if I have never, ever mentioned one word to a person then one day, after about 3 years of knowing them, I just about bring up just one teeny little fact about my obsession, without hinting that it's an obsession, just a teeny fact about it that is somehow relavent to the conversation anyway, but they still pick up on it being an obsession, from the way they change the subject quick. I feel like saying ''OK, want my gold watch so you can tell me more about me what you don't know about, you psychic?'')

I'm ashamed of having peeves that are unpredictable to the norm (and very strange compared to the norm too).

I'm ashamed of having too much self-awareness and being too sensitive to ridicule that I get obliged to do all my best to conform and still get shallow closed-minded shitfaces in public pointing me out like I'm some sort of freak that deserves to be belittled.

I'm ashamed of being picked on and punished in public just for looking shy but not actually making any signifficantly obvious body language to make me look more noticeably shy (biting nails, walking with head down, walking with humped back, etc cetera. I don't do any of that).

I'm ashamed of being unable to handle aggressiveness like a normal adult, instead I handle them like a 13-year-old (sulking, slamming doors and running to bedroom) or a 2-year-old (screaming and shouting and demanding my mum to listen to me). I know I could go on meds but I'm still waiting to get in at the doctors (can't get in when I want because there are too many PEOPLE around here now!)

I'm ashamed of not being able to enjoy holidays because of knowing that every person I go with always end up making friends or getting chatted up by some cocktail waitress or some cute guy, and there's me feeling left out and rejected, no matter how much I smile and make eye contact and want to talk to people too. I just wish people stop and knew that it's my holiday too and that we all came here to explore, not to just sit around the bar all night talking to people we will never see again and then drinking so much and so late that we end up wasting all morning laying in bed.

I'm ashamed of being awkward without meaning to, like talking at the wrong time (when people are trying to watch the TV and I find I am sitting there talking about crap in their ear without realising it until they go ''ssshhhh'' which then angers me because I hate being shushed, makes me feel patronised or embarrassed.)

I'm ashamed of being a target for criticism just because the things I like to do aren't always compatible to the norm. I hate being criticised.

I'm ashamed of being so socially phobic and anxious to be able to enjoy the things around me.

I'm ashamed of being the only one who doesn't go clubbing, and finding out that other introverted/studious people even go out clubbing and put pictures of themselves on Facebook of them cuddling girls or guys and surrounded by a huge crowd of mates.

I'm ashamed of being a severe introvert but hate drinking alcohol at the same time so when I go out I just stand there not talking to anyone, then people mistake me for being too serious or too boring and so they only do the ''serious talk'' with me, and never quite feeling that included in on jokes or other shenanigans in the group, even though I do understand body language so I do know what is going on, but being treated like I wouldn't know, just because I'm the shyest of the group.

I'm ashamed of being a know-nothing.

I'm ashamed and fed up of going for interview after interview and still not being given a chance for a part-time job, considering I have been on job-seekers for over 4 years now and I have done other things in that time to gain experience and confidence, like courses, work experiences and voluntary work.

I'm ashamed of living in a world where employers seem to think that all NTs make brilliant workers and all non-NTs make sh** workers that aren't worth a penny. There are a lot of non-NTs who can do jobs as effectively as an NT can (ie, me), and there are a lot of NTs out there who can be very useless at their job (not saying all, not saying most, just saying there are some out there who really don't want to work properly).

I'm ashamed of being the black sheep of the family.

I'm ashamed of being easily startled or annoyed by certain noises and not being able to relax.

I'm ashamed of being so anxious, paranoid, self-conscious, socially phobic, depressive, miserable, pessimistic, angry, fearful, and everything else on that list.

I'm ashamed of feeling like I want to go into meltdown mode through irritation when I can hear people talking near my room and the voices are so distracting.

I'm ashamed of having a lot of childhood memories of being a friendless outcast at school and was never on other children's wavelength.