Four years ago, I came to a very small and secluded town in NW Arizona and made a decision to mention that I have a form of Autism (Aspergers) for the first time and be open about it. What happens if I am out front and truthful? How will people behave? That is a question that I wanted answered. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was hoping for acceptance and an end to misunderstanding. I imagined that if people could not make sense of me, by revealing the truth, maybe they would not find my moments of distance or encyclopedic knowledge of certain things off-putting.
One of the reasons I became open about it was due to the fact that I'd experienced trauma and kept fighting my way out of trauma only to run smack into trauma again. I couldn't understand what was causing this to happen. Nasty surprises kept occurring. Men kept trying to molest me and then would get angry and verbally abusive when I did not comply! I'd concluded that this was a period of decompensation that began with emotional exhaustion and the loss of self-esteem and sense of direction after becoming involved with a man who was, possibly unintentionally, a predatory personality. To this day I don't know if he is aware of how much harm he is capable of doing to others, or if he cares.
He had great intellect and was emotionally disconnected, yet he had a lot of skill at identifying the vulnerabilities in others. If I'd ever met a person like this before in my life, I'd had the good fortune not to draw their attention and interest and get away from them. It took years after this man manipulated and humiliated me to "accept and move on". Once someone literally takes control of your life and despite all that you've learned, you're still in essence a naive person in some aspects of who you are, you become an object. Imagine someone "taking control because they want you to control THEM." ...but then, they don't really want to give control to anyone. It's all a strategy of some sort. I don't think that way. I don't "use" emotions as weapons.
He'd convinced me that he was "Sexually sophisticated" and I was, in essence, a moron. Some part of me is perpetually wide-eyed and innocent. My relationships had previously been romantic, straight and not at all kinky. In fact, this man was very inexperienced and very insecure. I am not a biased person and do not reject people based on their sexual preference, race, spiritual beliefs... and he played on this fact, so I allowed myself to venture into a realm that not only wasn't pleasurable or pleasant for me, but was degrading. I'm someone who has a dominant "vibe", but this does not mean I find pleasure in physically controlling or hurting others! Telling this truth to someone who refuses to accept it and who insists they love you beyond imagining? I'd never seen or heard anything like this before.
When you feel so wounded and all your wisdom is caught up in pain, predatory people seem to come out of the woodwork. Soon, you don't know who to trust because you've lost trust in yourself. Where I'd previously been able to recognize people who were good and decent, it seemed that even the smallest attempt to reach out to other people resulted in more pain. Even in work situations where I stood up for people when no one else would, I found myself being betrayed by these people in some way. I moved to another state and was physically attacked and beaten by a man who was delusional... this was not based in anything sexual, as far as I can tell. But that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I had this guy arrested and then I ran for my life, lived in my car, pitched a tent on a Native reservation where I worked out my thoughts to the best of my ability and then proceeded from there to some wandering in the car, seeking work and landing in the small town where I've been living.
I've learned that telling people you have a form of Autism does not mean they will understand or treat you with more consideration. In some cases, it is like saying "Hello. I am in some sense permanently naive. Maybe I am someone you can play for a sucker." Fortunately, I've also learned more rapidly to distinguish when I'm dealing with predatory personalities and not fall into their schemes. One positive aspect of having become the object of that first predator was that he was (still is, I'm sure) extremely brilliant, so the majority of people are clumsy and obvious in comparison. I will herein state that money, or the lack of it, has nothing to do with whether a person is more inclined to be or to succumb to the advances of a predator. Another positive aspect of that first and worst experience is that I recognized my true feelings and was able to "come out" about who I really cared for after I'd remembered how to care for myself. Not that this coming out has made any difference, although I was finally able to communicate this to the person after all the years I'd kept these feelings locked up inside myself. How could I tell someone I love them when I'd forgotten how to tell this to myself?
I'd been diagnosed with Autism as a child, but this was confidential information. I attended public school and was always considered "odd" or "different" because (except for a time of being non-verbal) I expressed some fairly esoteric opinions that were definitely not mainstream. I was also singled out and picked upon for being "one of the smart kids" and had always been gifted with a lot of musical ability, so carried a viola case back and forth from school..one more "difference." I won awards and scholarships, once again being set apart from what was considered "normal." I experienced a very brief period of "wishing I could fit in", but got over it pretty quickly when I took a closer look at what the people who fit in were actually doing with their lives.
My family was not supportive, nor did there seem to be any special effort made to understand "what it meant to be Autistic". In a very real sense, I believe that as bizarre as my childhood was, because I was not "overprotected" (I was not protected at all!), I achieved a high level of independence at an early age.
Over the years, many therapists, counselors, Medical Doctors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists and Pharmacologists have not noticed that I am Autistic. Only two have and they were both brilliant beyond belief. I became very skilled at compensating in various ways at various ages because I could see no other option. It was important for me to succeed within the world based on my own skills and ability to work, without hiding behind a diagnosis or asking for special treatment. I had a few meltdowns in workplaces. Usually, I was able to maintain control until I got home and then fall apart.
It still is important to me not to be singled out as "special", although I've had past issues in the workplace because I preferred to keep my office door shut during work hours and this was perceived by at least one manager as "being insular" and "not a team player." I prefer to think this Manager was not very good at his job, but I was not about to tell him I was Autistic! I have ADHD co-morbid and only when this became an issue for me during a time of tremendous pressure in my personal life so much that my job performance suffered did I admit to this.... although the company insurance was paying for my Psychiatric visits and the medication I was being given made the Attention Deficit diagnosis pretty obvious.
There is no Doctor who treats me for Aspergers. Although a popular course of treatment seems to be treatment with SSRI medications, I cannot tolerate these things. I'm treated for the problems that are co-morbid: ADHD, Social Anxiety and Insomnia. I take minimal medication and to the greatest extent possible use supplements, diet and exercise to cope. PTSD is sometimes an issue and this is one I must be very careful with, as the combination of Autism and Post Traumatic Stress can be very dangerous. If someone is messing with triggers because they're insensitive or believe they can "get to you" by pushing every hot button, these are people to get away from very quickly. I've yet to find a CBT anywhere locally with whom I can discuss my thoughts and feelings, so have done most of the research and repair work myself. When I leave this area (with plan of moving to a city where there is public transit and more availability of work), I may well not mention being Autistic to anyone. I am not getting SSI from the government, have been living in poverty and am determined to get back on my feet again.
12 Aug 2012, 1:56 pm
