How to "show interest in the person"?

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What does it mean to "show interest in someone"? I often get told that I'm not showing interest in the person. What does it mean? Even someone with whom we talked about a variety of topics said this.

Please elaborate what exactly this means, and how it works.

In my case, I think it has a lot to do with body language. Crossed arms and lack or eye contact tends to give that impression. Then again, that's usually because I am uninterested.

I feel just as awkward when I force eye contact though, because I feel as though I'm trying too hard to look them in the eye/looking too intensely.

This is a real tricky one, I'm still working on trying to figure it out myself.

As mentioned, I think it has a lot to do with body language. I think it also involves showing interest in things that you may not necessarily care about, but that the other person does. It's an idea of showing interest in something simply because it's important to the other person - I think that is a signal that you are interested in them (basically, they have a mentality where if you don't care about something related to them, then you must not care about them).

It can also relate to things like asking them how they're doing, or asking about events in their lives.

Idk i think people just like when you give them a little extra attention. We often get distracted too easily and unknowingly ignore others around us.

But even people with whom I had talked to very often said that they feel as if I don't show any interest in them, and that I only talk about a few topics. How are supposed to show interest, other than talking to the person?

you need to find out what their interest are. it really helps not make the conversation one sided even if they are interest you dont care about. facebook really helps with finding out about the person. I am no way an expert on this as I dont have many friends but this is from my experiences.

Body language is just part of what conveys interest to others (especially NT others). I very often have to think about the way I'm holding my arms or hands and the position of my legs. There are books about "job interviews", for example, which explain how to create the appearance of interest, even when you don't honestly feel interest. Yes..this bothers me a bit, because I'd rather be myself and remain honest.

Someone pointed out the problem of "crossing your arms". Unless you're feeling cold, this posture can be interpreted in a variety of ways: angry, scared, self-protective.. and you very well may feel one or more of these emotions. Unless you make it known prior to meeting with someone or to an interviewer that you have a form of autism, chances are your body language will be misunderstood. Even when you are honest and divulge the truth, this does not mean you will not encounter problems with individuals who are speaking with or interviewing you. Some of these problems can also be cultural in basis, which is an added complication. I've read from multiple sources that when seated, it's best to keep your arms in a position with elbows resting on your legs and your hands resting palm down on your knees. This feels weird and unnatural to me, but it's a technique I've used with mixed success.

Crossing your legs: I often cross my legs, but have learned that it is interpreted as "shutting a person out" when you cross the leg that is facing them. That is, If the person is on your right side and you cross your left leg over your right, this may be interpreted as a defensive posture. When you're in a room with two people, you'll have to choose which of the people's understanding is more important to you. I've read books that suggest maintaining a "neutral posture", where no legs or ankles are crossed. I find this a very difficult posture to maintain (I have ADHD co-morbid and tend to feel more inclined to fidget in this position) and am much more at ease with legs crossed. I prefer sitting and speaking with people to standing and having a conversation, so usually suggest that we go have a seat somewhere "if the person has time."

In my opinion, it is more important to feel at ease with yourself than adopt an uncomfortable "pose" that is considered more socially acceptable and indicates interest to someone in the NT realm. I definitely recommend against spreading one's legs very far open when seated -- this applies both to females and males, regardless of how they're dressed. All kinds of weird and unintended "messages" can be conveyed by this. You also don't want to sit with your legs tightly pressed together, because this indicates that one is nervous or afraid. Try to appear relaxed, but do not slouch. Slouching can be interpreted as low self-esteem. Many NT people are uncomfortable when they think they're dealing with a person who is depressed or has low self-esteem.. this s because THEY don't know what to do and don't like that feeling any more than WE do. NT people often assume you feel interest when you lean toward them even slightly.

The real bugger for me is eye contact. This is not just a problem for an Aspie, but is actually one that is very often found in Indigenous cultures, as well. For example, I have no problem whatsoever conversing with Navajo people, because a great many of these people make minimal eye contact and are made uncomfortable by NT people who seem to be staring and intrusive. Unfortunately, NT people seem to have this belief that if you are not making frequent eye contact, you're withholding information -- some will even assume you are lying to them.

Another complication would be "communication styles": some NT people are extremely visual processors and will indicate this by saying things like: "I see what you mean." You can also observe what interests them: do they look up at lights or pictures on a wall? Others are auditory processors: their eyes tend to move from side to side, proximate to the placement of their ears. If music is playing, their attention will be drawn to it and they may comment about it. They'll say things like: "I hear where you're coming from." Then there are those who are kinesthetic, who understand at more physical level. These people often speak of "feelings" and enjoy touching or being touched. They are "hands-on" learners, who learn best by doing. I've had a tendency to "doodle" during meetings, writing down very brief statements that seemed important, but drawing geometric forms and flowers and so on while the meeting was in progress. I was processing every word that was being said and knew who was speaking, but what was important to me was physically keeping the pen or pencil "busy".. or I'd forget what I was hearing.

The majority of people combine learning styles, although one form of processing will be the dominant and preferred "way of thinking. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (which evolved over time into less of an understanding and more of a manipulative "therapy") is actually quite very useful in understanding how others communicate. I'll recommend two of the earliest books on the subject: "Frogs Into Princes" and "The Structure of Magic" (both, I believe were authored by Bandler and Grinder).

I don't know any Aspie, myself included, who enjoys being manipulated or acting in ways they know to be manipulative. The early books in NLP really do strive to teach understanding and something called "matching". If you are an extremely visual learner who wants to communicate with someone who is an extremely auditory learner, you have to use their language rather than your own in order to convey a real sense of interest in them. There is more: you can match your breathing patterns to that of another person's and this creates something that is "sympathetic", even if you are aware and the other person is completely oblivious.

To pretend interest in something that doesn't interest you at all and likely never will is not only tricky, but will likely produce bad results over the long term. Let's say you have no interest whatsoever in spectator sports or watching television and a person you think you want to get to know or indicate interest in is totally fascinated by spectator sports and schedules their lives around watching television shows (or recording them for later viewing). How interesting is this person likely to be to you, really? Are you willing to keep up a pretense of interest in things that bore you to tears? Would you interview for a job as a computer programmer when you had no experience in or interest in learning a programming language?

Showing an interest in others is something that is best when it comes from your heart and is sincere. Sometimes this requires observing what the person does and how they seem to enjoy spending their time. This does not mean that you stalk them! If the person has a job they seem to enjoy, you might ask what attracted them to this kind of work. If the person goes to pet stores and spends time watching fish in aquariums, you will know some things you can ask about: fish, fresh or salt water, whether there is a sense of peace for them that comes from watching fish swim in water. If they often go to libraries or book stores, you can ask "what sort of books do you like the best? Who are your favorite authors?"

Showing an interest most often begins with saying: "Hello." Asking "How are you?" is reasonable under most circumstances. (This is not a question I'd be inclined to ask of someone in a full body cast). It is also not out of line to say to someone: "I'm happy to see you!" or "It's good to see you!" Knowing a person's name and using their name also indicates interest. People like hearing their names. So saying "Hello, Jane." or "How are you, Bob?" brings you a bit closer to them. If you notice them carrying packages, ask if they'd like your help. Aspies are typically not great at "small talk" and often find it unnecessary and annoying, like talking about the weather: "It's really hot today!" is a pointless statement to make when it's 104 degrees Fahrenheit. unless you live in the interior of Alaska and it's the middle of winter.

Anyway, I've told you just about everything I know and pointed out resources that have been helpful to me. Believe it or not, some NT people will interpret limited eye contact as "shyness" and consider it charming. They're no more based on templates or cookie cutters than are we.

I have been accused of this too. Below is a jumbled up collection of insights that many embarassing years have taught me. I am actually quite good at this in comparison to when I was younger.

Look in their direction. If you don't feel comfortable doing eye contact then their mouth or forehead will do. Don't stare at the same part of their face constantly - move your eyes around every few seconds. Don't forget to blink because you're concentrating too hard. It's ok to glance at other things but overall you should look at the person or people you're talking with. Don't lean backwards if you are in an involved conversation with somebody unless it's a very informal situation such as watching a movie at a friend's house. Don't stare at their chest or legs, particularly if you're male and they are female.

Demonstrate that you have registered and are interested in what the other person is saying. For example, your friend could tell you that they are interested in war re-enactments. You would say "Oh that's interesting, tell me more". You could then ask further questions like "What is it you find interesting about war re-enactments? How long have you been interested in them? Are you part of a re-enactment society? When/where does your society meet?". Don't ask all the questions at once one after another and DON'T say "Oh that's cool. Hey, did I tell you about [completely unrelated topic about me]?".

If the other person has listened to you talk about your interest for five minutes then you should make a conscious effort to reciprocate to a similar level. Of course an interesting conversation is a two person affair so if you don't share their specific interest then, after listening and responding long enough to be polite (at least several minutes for each topic), you can look for some common ground. Using the example from above again, your friend has told you he likes re-enactments. If you don't like re-enactments but you DO like American civil war history then you could ask your friend which period of history his re-enactment group focuses on. If it is the civil war then you now have a whole new topic to talk about with each other. If it's some other war you can still talk about the differences between the strategy, tactics, weapons, uniforms of the two periods. Maybe you're interested in rifles and you can tell him an interesting fact about the rifle they use in their re-enactments.

The next time you see your friend you might ask him "Hey, did you go to your re-enactment this weekend? Did you have fun? I hope it didn't rain on you". If your friend told you last week about how her cat was sick and needed to go to the vet then you should ask her how her cat is doing. The point of this part is to prove that you have listened and that you are sufficiently interested in the friend and their life that you would really want to know the answer to these questions. With most people you need to do this even if you really don't want to know.

When you're interested in a person, it implies you'll be interested in anything that concerns them, and will seek out things that concern them, even if you don't normally care about those things.

Very true. The flip side of this convention is that people may ask about YOUR interest/obsession when THEY really don't want to know. So talking about it for a couple of minutes is fine, but if you go into too much detail, talk for too long or become too animated their eyes may glaze over.

Years ago a woman said to me "no matter what anyone says, you always talk about yourself." I paid attention to how I responded to people and I saw I talked about myself to show the person that I understood what they were talking about but I guess people did not interpret it that way.

The suggestion of saying "Oh, that's interesting, tell me more." and asking questions but not all at once is probably what I should have done.

Look at a person and when they turn towards you look away, look back when they turn away.

Those are really long posts.

Oops, wrong type of interest. Just make eye contact with them from time to time and make it clear to them you are listening.

The only way to show interest in the person is to ask questions and listen to the answers, then ask another question based on the answer. Don't overdo it or it'll be weird.

"Hi, how are you?"
"Fine and you?"
"Great. Lovely blouse! New?"
"Yeah, I was at the X's sales last night."
"Oh, you're lucky, I meant to go but I was tied up. Was it very crowded?"
"Yes, lots of waiting in line, and I was so tired."
"But I see it was worth it, that blouse really suits you, the color and the style."
"Gee, thanks, I wasn't sure about it at first..."
"Why not?"

Sometimes just a little observation will make someone feel you care.

My male colleague today: "Hi"
Me: "Hi, why did you get a haircut?" (we have very strict harrassment rules at work, so I can't say "nice haircut").