Wanting to make friends with someone = stalking

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Hi Everyone,

Anyone ever have this experience? Personally, I have a hard time making friends. I am a 33 year old, married female with Aspergers, although you really couldn't tell it from the get go, people have said. Its a miracle I am even married, as I got married within 4 months of meeting my husband, and I do not think he knew what he was getting into!

Anyway, back to my topic. I work for TSA, and I see it as the main arena where I can possible meet friends, or make A friend. I get obsessed with people who I think may become a life long friend, something I've never had. Well, I really blew a potential friendship with a coworker the other day. In fact, he told me "I will always be your friend." Perfect example of an Asperger brain at work. I'll explain.

"I will always be your friend", meant to MY brain, that this person accepts me. No matter what I say, I can share ANYTHING with this person. This person, my brain says, has put alot of thought into this confession, and really MEANS what he says!!
THEREFORE, I tell him....that I've been obsessed with him for a long time and have even been in love with him, and am really glad we're friends.

That's when everything went south. A whole year's worth of friendship investment down the drain! A soul crunching pain of the return to friendlessness, with the addition judgement from my former friend, that I am a stalker and a crazy person. I have not told this person that I have Asperger's, because I really wanted to just come off as normal as possible, without someone having to see me with a label. I've been shooting for, "interesting, sometimes unstable but generally nice, girl." This person was expressed interest in me, at first probably romantically, but then more realisticly friendship. It was HUGELY wonderful, fascinating, flattering, soul resucuing, soul returning, happiest time of my life, as I saw this person 40 hours a week for a whole year almost.

Ok Ok, I'm gettin long winded here. Here's the thing. I had him on my Facebook account. He deleted me. No problem. But he goes on further and BLOCKS me. This caused me considerable alarm, as this person sees me as some sort of threat. My response to that is, well don't even mention it to his face. Its come to the point that anything I do and say, I'm afraid he'll interpret as me being stalkerish, so in effect, I do not make eye contact with him, I do not speak to him at work, I do not text him I pretend he does not exist. But I think all my face saving behaviors have actually really made me look like a madwoman, and he cannot be in my prescence anymore, and is telling other co workers behind my back to stay away from me, as I am an obsessed stalker.

Help! I feel trapped. I come in to work now, where no one knows I have Aspergers, where everyone buys into the judgement that this person's perception is correct that I am a dangerous, obesseive, stalker! I feel he is writing up a report and wants to take it to court. I am so paranoid now about everything I do and say at work, that its making me a basket case!

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. WHAT IN THE WORLD SHOULD I DO. I have dropped all contact with this person, do not mention him to other coworkers, even ask about him because of fears it will translate into confirming his judgement that I am stalking him.

Sadly, I just cannot make friends. I am so sad about this. I was so close to having a real friend and I ruined it forever. Forever!

I think that it would be very highly unlikely for your former friend to write anything up, or that there would be anything that he could "take to court". I say this because in general, men do not like to make a fuss or be viewed as being "threatened" much less "stalked" by a woman, unless there is some serious crazy stuff going on, such as violence or actually showing up at his house or following him outside of work.

You haven't been calling him or leaving weird things around or making threats, so I wouldn't worry. There is no legal ground on which he could press charges to you for simply being socially awkward and admitting something that made him uncomfortable.

Maybe your husband could help you navigate the world of friendship and help you to meet some new people (outside of your workplace). Sometimes all it takes is for my (outgoing yet Aspie) father to say to someone that I am "shy" and it helps them (if they are nice people anyway) to make the first step towards being friendly towards me, and looking past my quietness. Then I can respond positively to their efforts because I do want to get to know them even though I do not intuitively know how to carry on the friendship building process as an adult.

It could be that the guy was already extremely paranoid to begin with, so it might not just be what you said that caused him to react that way. I'm sure if it had been someone else other than him, they might have responded with "Okay, that is a bit weird..." and probably wouldn't have tried so hard to avoid you unless you started watching them sleep through their bedroom window or following them around everywhere.

The only possible solution to this problem I can think of would be to let this guy go. Even if he had been your friend, it's possible that he would be suspicious of you anyway, just like he probably is with everyone else. Maybe you could try again with a different person and maybe somehow let them know about the AS so they have an explanation for why you are the way you are and will hopefully understand that you're not a stalker.

If a casual friend blurted out that they have been obsessed with me and in love with me, you can bet that I'd react in about the same way.

Hi - oh, dear,

Well, I hope I can add a few words of comfort if nothing else - it will be difficult for a while. I think if you just carry on as best you can - people do eventually forget. I agree I wouldn't try to talk or explain anything to him, he will look extreme if he keeps this up - people figure things out. He obviously did not know how to handle things - he could have just had a talk to you before reacting the way he did. Given that you were friends up to that point, then he he should have been able to just talk to you about it. You took a chance and shared some feelings - you gushed - and think about it, there are other ways this could have turned out - he might have laughed and said 'wow', or any number of other responses - it is conceivable - he chose his path. Honestly, if he were really a friend as he expressed, then I would think he would have had a talk with you - I guess he didn't have the skills to deal with it. Now - all this being said - you did not commit a felony or anything. You expressed some feelings - very expressively . He, on the other hand, is going out of his way to be an a**. Even if he didn't want to be friends with you, his actions of gossip and malice in the office are unacceptable. If you have an HR you can trust, or any worker protection - he doesn't have a right to slander you. It depends on how badly it is affecting you - whether you just ride it out and see what happens or get some workplace guidance - I don't know. But, you committed no crime and - he can choose not to be friends with you or reciprocate feelings - but it is outright slander and bad character to carry on the way you describe. You deserve better than this. Someone will appreciate that you wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak.

The best to you, LM

I haven't got a huge amount of advice but I can relate to what you're saying- when I was at school, I used to follow 'friends' around so much it really annoyed them and they used to call me a sheep and sometimes even 'baa' when they saw me, and if I liked a teacher, I'd keep trying to talk to them and a couple ended up asking me not to speak to them. I'm better with it now- it still happens but I'm getting a lot better at recognising it and if it starts to get annoying for the other person (like it did with the woman I was friends with earlier this year) I can email and explain what's going on and that I really don't want to lose the friendship and could really do with some boundaries, which amazingly she replied to and now the friendship *seems* to be going OK... That's the first time it's worked like that though! I think it's about recognising the friendship pattern and being as open as you can about it. Really hope it works out OK for you

I don't think there's anything you can do. Any attempt to contact him will be seen as being a stalker. I don't know if he is annoyed, or honestly scared. You know that you don't want to hurt him, but maybe he doesn't know that. NTs are scared of things they don't understand, and AS behavior can be very scary to them. Maybe he thinks you want to start an affair with him, since you admitted to having a crush at one point.

Best thing to do is back off and let him go his own way. If you keep attempting to contact him, he'll become frightened. I don't think you can stay friends with him at this point, because he was never friends with you--just with the image that you presented to him. He is somebody who will reject someone who admits to being what he interprets as "crazy". Because you are indeed "crazy" by his definition, he cannot be friends with the person you really are. You don't want friends like that. You want people who will accept that you are different, that you are "crazy", and be okay with that.

You should make sure that your "obsessions" with people don't turn into real stalking, of course. But since this person said he was your friend until you admitted to having been obsessed, and only then rejected you, it seems you are able to moderate any tendency to be overly clingy. That's an important skill--keep that around. Be yourself, but make sure you don't smother people. After all, even the closest of friends need time away from each other.

I've got this issue as well. I have trouble discerning how people feel and to what degree they feel it. trying to find where the boundaries are. What is appropriate to say to them and what isn't. And most NT people don't really communicate what you did "wrong", assuming that you should know, and it makes it very difficult to learn how to approach a situation like that in the future.

Hi, again, feelingforsnow (from the book Miss Smilla's...? ),

I understand the texting thing as I get myself into trouble on email. It is always so awkward when I realize I actually have to face people. I do gush. Usually it is about some theory I have or some personal commentary that makes me want to stuff my head in a paper bag and cut out little eye holes after the fact. I did have one incident that could have gone very badly. Actually, it went badly enough that it could have been very, very serious. It did involve a man and both of us are married. I ended up rather dumbfounded. I didn't know what happened. There were no physical lines crossed or anything. It just got very uncomfortable and I did not know how to handle it. It could have cost him his job. I don't want to say more about it. I am sad to not be able to have a friendship with him as I really enjoyed the intellectual stimulation. That was all I was trying to enjoy. I was lucky in that he did not slander me and the situation seemed to clear up. I just want you to know you are not alone. To prevent this in the future, I am being up front that I have difficulty with communication and I can misread or give the wrong signals. I am getting so that I would rather risk being judged for that reason up front rather than end up with a bigger problem. But, that is a risk I can afford to take as I don't need to worry about my job.

All the best to you,

LM

so you are maried and pursuing this man? kinda sketchy already. maybe that was part of his reaction. but yeah you just don't go telling people you're "obsessed" with them... maybe telling him he sparks your interest would be ok but still