Mother talks about killing her autistic daughter and herself

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It was a figure of speech meant to express the frustrating unconnectedness of being autistic. The life that others lead: relationships, conversations, sex, a knowing glance, a comforting squeeze, such a life is denied to many with autism. I did not assign anyone any role. If you are autistic and you can somehow get to first base, then perhaps you know something that I do not; I am not even allowed to go to bat.

What is messed up is the fantasy that the autism movement seeks to weave. What is messed up is the hypocrisy of the self anointed representatives of autism who understand that it is in their interest to sell a good story, but not the truth. What is messed up is the commercialization of autism as charlatans latch on to the wealthy in their hopeless quest for reassurance that Joey will get better; he will grow up and he will not be autistic anymore. What is messed up is that the very people for whom heaven has been moved and the earth turned upside down live in a reality that is completely dissociated from the media portrayal of this condition.

So says every autistic person who wants to justify awful depictions of autistic people. Problem is, it's not remotely true.

Of course I'm on the spectrum. Believe it or not, autistic people's opinions don't come from our neurological state. Two autistic people can have the exact same kind of autism and two totally different opinions about it.



I understand all too well, and it's nothing to do with being the "living dead". Sad, Sad Aspies is one autistic man's description of the entire phenomenon. Believe it or not, autism is not synonymous with depression, nor is it the root cause of depression when we experience it. (And don't tell me I haven't experienced it because I've made several suicide attempts in my lifetime -- but I would never, ever blame that on being autistic, because it simply wouldn't be accurate.)



Ask my parents how they feel. They're not horrified. And I'm way far from looking normal in every way (my only formal functioning label, though I reject all such labels, was "low functioning", and there were at one point serious attempts to take me away from my parents and write me off as hopeless, attempts that went far beyond just talk). My parents aren't heroic or martyrs or exceptionally strong either, far from it. They just know what the real problems are in life and the existence of two of their children as autistic (one dx autism, one dx Asperger's, although I'm myself not sure about those divisions' accuracy) is not the real problem.



I will not apologize to you for telling you that calling an entire group of people the living dead is dehumanizing. And, for that matter, to use your words, deeply offensive. I am not dead. I am alive. I have had to prove that I am alive in order to survive, because some people have in my presence considered me "gone" and "not coming back" and so forth. And I will not sit here and take being called the living dead without comment, even if it's by someone who uses the appellation on themselves. If you find it deeply offensive to have the dehumanizingness of such a label noted, try actually being called things like that with no recourse for awhile (and have major decisions about you made on the basis of such ideas) and see how long you don't find it dehumanizing, and how long you think the offense of being called on the dehumanizingness in any way matches the destructiveness of the term itself.

You have not addressed any of the points that I have raised. All that you have done is point to your dx and assert that that ought to be enough for you to lay claim to knowing it all. If you do not want to believe that autistic children are vulnerable to abuse, no one is forcing you. But there is absolutely no excuse for you to humiliate me with your “honest opinions” just because you disagree with me. No where in my writings did I say that you were a bad mother. If you feel that way, it is more likely to be a judgment that you have passed on yourself; for it did not come from me.

Calling a viewpoint dehumanizing is not a personal attack. Dehumanization is a specific thing, a specific action. It has real effects on the lives of autistic people. Viewing autistic people as dead while alive, is one of the ways that autistic people are dehumanized routinely, and routinely that is used to justify our actual deaths. It is a very dangerous thing to say that any group of people is really "dead while alive." And even it being someone's honest feelings doesn't change that.

Honest feelings don't come from nowhere. They come from ways of looking at the world. They affect people, too, when expressed. When I find that my honest feelings are actually destructive (and by "destructive" I don't mean "disagreeing with people" or "hurting people's feelings"), I look at what attitudes I have that are creating those honest feelings, they're usually inaccurate attitudes and thoughts. I change the attitudes and thoughts, the feelings follow suit. If I actually feel like a person is more dead than alive (including myself), I know something's out of whack (because that feeling doesn't actually match any reality) and I look for what's out of whack instead of telling people that I or someone else is the living dead.

I am not going to apologize for pointing out that these attitudes dehumanize autistic people, because they do, the effects of these attitudes are known, documented, written out, over and over again, about autistic people and more. Feelings aren't part of it, and feelings aren't the truth, they're just an expression of how each of us unconsciously views the truth at any particular moment.

I find it strange that you say that what you say is just your honest feelings (and therefore people shouldn't respond to it), but then in your last post you say that someone's "honest opinions" are just a means of doing something bad to you basically. This isn't about you, it's about what you've said. If someone else said the same thing I'd react the same way, because calling a group of people the "living dead" is dangerous business, far more dangerous than feeling insulted by someone saying that the "living dead" business is dehumanizing.

Last edited by anbuend on 06 Mar 2007, 11:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know what things are like for autistics/aspies where you live and all but I live in Canada and thankfully our media for our country isn't full of the nonsense and all like it is in the US. I never said autistics weren't vunerable to abuse. I'm am saying you are ignorant for generalizing that 'autism' is a horrifying scaring thing in general to parents. And Autism has never made my son or any other autistic the "living dead". Everyone is vunerable to abuse if they don't have support. A family that has adequate support and all will have a much smoother time handling situations than one without.

I see where you are coming from. It was not my intention to represent all who are autistic; it was an opinion that was borne out of personal experience. Hence, the only person whom I represent is me. Nor am I a part of the political force that the autism movement has become; I am a part of nothing – by choice and not by choice. My words describe my realities as I have lived them. And if I believe that being autistic is like being a member of the living dead, it is because I feel it keenly. Death would not find regret in me. But however I may suffer, I will go on with my life. Unlike some who are arguing with me on my personal credentials as an autistic, I will not make a catalogue of my pains and brandish it as a weapon to solicit pity. My life is my choice; and I played the hand I was dealt in the only way I knew how.

But this is not about me. It is about people who are inciting others to form a lynch mob to destroy the life of another simply because she expressed a feeling that others perhaps dare not admit to. It is about the children who suffer and the parents who fail to see the hurt they cause. Why is it so hard to accept that autistic children are vulnerable? Does it surprise anyone to learn that parents of Aspies sometimes fly into blind and uncontrollable rage? Who are you helping by pretending that it does not happen?

For crying out loud, have a Kit Kat. If you will not apologize then so be it. Be at ease, I am too ugly to compete with anyone here for media attention nor do I wish to be pursued by parents wanting advice on how to raise their children. My point is simply this – autistic children are vulnerable. This woman talked about killing herself and her child, might there not be others who hurt their autistic children?

If you don't want to have a discussion, can you just not have the discussion, instead of snarking and imputing strange motives (pity, media attention, Kit Kats, WTF?) to people who do want to have the discussion? All the strange emotional motives attributed and stuff make it really hard to wade through to your actual points. (Although maybe you wouldn't be so offended if you knew people's actual motives?) Not sure either how ugly has anything to do with the media, I ended up in the media (I didn't seek it out and almost didn't agree to it) despite being the sort of person who once submitted my picture to a community for "ugly people" just to see whether I fit people's description of ugly or not, and was thought to be possibly trolling the community because they considered me that ugly. I certainly wouldn't compete for media attention, I in fact wish I hadn't had to do it at all and am trying to see if there's ways for them to get more autistic people involved than just me partly just to take the attention off me-in-particular (I think most people who think people enjoy media attention haven't had much of it).

It seems no-one's taken notice of my funny picture...

*feels ignored*

No, no KBABZ - I did notice it! I think it's clever. It Just didn't seem like the right time to bring it up.

I noticed too, KBABZ. I just got back on this. What is this big deal made about being "dehumanized?" Humans suck. I'd think dehumanization is a good thing.

The posts here are getting to russian novel lengths, emotional tension is obviously high.

Where is Dostoevsky when you need him?

By the way Goat, nice tattoos and piercings.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liAuBpJYckc[/youtube]
This video expresses what I have to say about the video.

What a great video!

I agree. The child at the end was adorable and a nice touch for the overall message.

where DO they come from? and are autistics being stereotyped by autistics?