Before you knew you had AS...

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I thought I was limitless and everything could be done simply with more effort. After finding out I have NVLD/AS, I found out this wasn't true.

I don't know, it was like being given the red pill in the Matrix. I don't know if it actually changes anything, it just gives a reason for my life not being what I want instead of me just not trying hard enough. Though I still feel like I'm the problem and I just suck at everything.

Getting diagnosed had changed my behaviour. I used to be more eccentric, but I've since toned it down. I used to think that people either loved the way I acted or were crazy, until I realised that there are actual social norms that the large majority of people follow. I hated conforming before, but after getting diagnosed, I realised that people who follow social norms are doing it because of a different way of thinking. So I made the choice to conform instead of having to explain my behaviour or be thought of as oppositional.

It was also a bit of a blow to my ego, but helped me explain parts of my past.

It never occurred to me that I was "different" from other people until I reached my teens, and my social backwardness (particularly regarding dating) became more obvious. Finding out about AS has definitely helped explain many of the issues I had growing up, but it still amazes me that nobody ever picked up on that being the source of whatever was "wrong" with me.

Knowing about it has given me a reason to explain my behavior. Like when I don't make eye contact or something, or don't move my lips enough when I talk, I blame the Asperger's. Not a very good thing to do, but it gives me something to blame, I guess.

Knowing that I'm probably an Aspie has made it conclusive in my mind why, in spite of my gifts and talents, I'm a loser.

I am 25. I finally admitted it to myself I had it. People had suspected it the last few years (including my wife when we started dating when I was 23). I just assumed that perhaps I was just a little slower in some areas or something or maybe I just didn't try hard enough or needed to man up or something. Well come to find out that it really is because I have sensory issues sometimes or have slight issues with social cues (not as bad as a lot which is why I thought I didn't have it for one reason) due to AS. Well I am glad now that I realize that I am gonna be a little different or "off" and that's okay because I have talents thanks to my AS that landed me a good job doing tech support for a growing IT company and I am brilliant at it (not that I like to brag...).

I went through a hard hard denial because I didn't want the stigma that goes with autism to label me. I haven't sought an official diagnosis because it can ruin my chances for things like health insurance and I am high functioning enough that I can handle most situations like any other person would. But it helps me to realize when I'm having an AS moment and my brain isn't wired to respond right and I can compensate for whatever with my learning of how to do it like a NT would. I am realizing that I need to work hard to become more social (I'm an extrovert and need social interaction...oddly enough) and that if I work hard enough at it I very well likely can be a social butterfly and do well.

Sorry if my post seems a little off; I had a couple beers.

Oh, but losers are the new winners!
I wouldn't give up my gifts and talents for a social life by any means, but that's just me.

Before the diagnosis was basically "Your son is a genius but he'a a little eccentric. Well, he's little, he's pretty eccentric. Don't be surprised if he ends up speaking like Howard Cosell by the time he's 8, I mean the things he says and probably the sound of his voice too. It's no big deal, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round."

Then one day I heard a funny sounding word on the radio, and some time later I realize they're referring to people like me, and then it became shorthand for being a living joke, like Urkel or something, who would probably have all sorts of issues if he were real and actually had been treated like a living joke the majority of his life, though realistically he would probably have committed suicide within a month of starting junior high, and would cry whenever he thought he was alone in the room. (I was butch about it, though).

Yes I'd have to say I preferred when doctors used the world "genius" to describe me, as though it had some kind of official definition, instead of giving it the dumbest name in the world, yet easy enough for little kids to sound out and ridicule. I tried going back to calling myself a genius but now I'd get a bunch of shouts of "Nuh uh, you're a ret*d! Ass burger is scientific for ret*d", etc. I'll stop wishing pancreatic cancer on them and their entire families when I find out the last has died alone, starving, and in a deep hole, which was unknowingly being used as a latrine by a stomach division from a South American army.

I had embraced the label of 'eccentric recluse'. I was teased all through school for being weird. I know that most people's reactions to me are either negative or confused. I know that because that is what some people outright told me. I figured, okay, so be it.

I knew that I was different but I never suspected developmental or personality disorder. Not until my mid 20's when depression and anxiety started getting particularly bad, not to mention dangerous (self harm). So I went to the doctor for depression. She asked about my social life. She was not pleased with my answer of I have never dated and I do not keep nor seek out friendships. One referral lead to another and here we are, Aspergers syndrome.

My reaction to the news. It was pretty much, "yep, that's me". So be this as well.

I've always hated having aspergers because people have always seen me as different, and they always will.
People always assume that I'm lazy, or I'm not trying hard enough to be social/successful/etc. and it's really depressing because I can't explain why I can't do what they do in a way that they'd understand. Even when I say "I have aspergers syndrome which is why I can't do those things" they still don't get it and assume laziness/etc.
My agoraphobia doesn't help that either.

I always thought my bad social skills were due to growing up without extended family and many of the things I did I thought were normal. I also went through quite a few years thinking that people didn't like me as much as other people because I was ugly.

Until someone suggested AS, I always thought my problems were because of childhood abuse. But the decades showed that all that psychotherapy was doing nothing for me and my life went more and more downhill, so if I hadn't discovered AS and NLD to explain my extremely failed life in spite of all my talents, I'd be dead by now.

I was confused, resignated, depressed, angry at myself and the world. Something was wrong and I couldn't find out what it was.
After being diagnosed I felt such a huge relief and liberation. It was jigsaw falling into place. Like Kalika said it also "helped explain many of the issues I had growing up," which led to amazing improvement of our relationship with Mum (she wasn't a bad parent and I wasn't a spoiled brat). It didn't "cure" my anxiety, tantrums or obsessions, but it gave me perspective, many useful information and a sort of peace of mind.

Why am I my worst own enemy, when can I fall in love only with the person's personality, when will that ever be good enough. Why is being myself never good enough.

Before I was diagnosed I just found myself odd, as you said, and wondered if other people shared some of my behavioural traits, like hand flapping (stimming) and being reclusive.

I didn't accept my diagnosis, and felt embarrassed by it -- as I was in my adolescence. It hasn't changed anything for me, I'm still the same as I was back then. Reclusive, anxious, socially awkward, and still indulging in the same repetitive and ritualistic behaviour.

I've had bouts of improvement here and there, but they were short-lived, and I always reverted back to how I was. As of recently, I've lost my will to be a part of society. I don't really want to. I don't think I've ever wanted to, really.

Last edited by Acedia on 07 Oct 2012, 8:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with many of the responses that I found here.

I am not yet formally diagnosed with AS, but I'm pretty convinced of it.

Before I heard, for the first time in my life, about the existence of AS only a few weeks ago, I had been feeling that people didn't like me because I was ugly or they could sense some evil personality in me that I wasn't even aware of, though I always meant well. I could always sense other people were somehow uncomfortable around me. Some even showed outright rudeness or even hostility to me and some were laughing about my being treated in that way by some people. And I kept wondering what I did wrong. I am an adult and can get over those things, but they still hurt. In this way I never fitted in anywhere and I always felt like an alien. And the list goes on... I had (and have) very low self-esteem.

But now, knowing a possible explanation for all of those miseries in the past, I feel so relieved. After all I was not a bad or lazy person. I am simply different. Now I don't feel I am to blame for all those unhappy memories. I can stop agonizing about them all. I feel I can start living more positively though I know it's not that simple and I will have to make some effort. I can start leading a better-informed life.