Coworkers are cruel

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I'm a 33 year old aspie lady, and I should know by now. But it seems like my aspieness is getting WORSE with age. My aggression and cluelessness is increasing, and people keep their distance more. I work at TSA at the airport and am around many people throughout the day, its a miracle I'm able to keep the job. But an incident happened that really screwed my mindset up.

There was this coworker, who I'll call Peter. I though Peter really liked me and appreciated my quirkiness. I really felt that he was the first person to ever GET me on an emotional level. He was the first person who I could make eye contact with, and not feel pain, but reception and love. I tried to stay with him as much as possible because we move around the airport in teams.

Well, I made the mistake of texting him one night. We had been texting on and off for like a year...random stuff, random caring type stuff. Well Peter said, "I will always be your friend". And it hit me that I was in love with this person. I told him that I was in love with him, was obsessed with him, and never went out with him anywhere, because I really wanted him. (Creepy, I know) Well, he did not like that at all, was not flattered at all. And blocked me from facebook, everything. I am banned from his life. After a whole year of what I thought was a loving friendship, he never asked me for an explanation, he never asked me why I was obsessed with him.

Now, for the last 3 months, he has been telling people that I am crazy and to stay away from me. I meet new people, and he will go up to them and try to ruin the potential friendship. I escaped working the checkpoint, and transfered somewhere else.

Yeah I know, I have an exact other thread about this topic. But this thread is about the other COWORKERS, who automatically believe the NT! Without asking for my side of the story! One in particular, who I also thought was my friend, I'll call him Polo, texted me from time to time and enjoyed seeing me I thought. But it turns out that he is too embarrassed to be my friend on facebook, also, that he won't admit that Peter has been talking about me behind my back. I have been extrememly hurt by everyone I work with. They all think that I'm too stupid to realize that Peter has ruined my reputation by spreading what I told him, although it was true, I feel he had no right to tell him something so personal. I am so humiliated, and now I feel its an attack on my life. The other coworkers, when I ask them what Peter is spreading about me, respond like they know nothing, and have heard nothing. And being the naive aspie I am, I believed that too! I thought, well maybe its not that bad. But this one coworkers keeps texting me not because he cares and likes me, but because he's become sort of a spy for Peter, and he is just entertained by me. Because they all went out for drinks one night, and no one invited me.

Also, Peter came up to me and "Keep in touch". So I texted him later that day to clarify "Are we friends again" and he has not responded. On purpose I suppose.

This situation has floored me emotionally. There are alot of components to it that I am leaving out. BUt I felt a strong deep bond of friendship to this person. Honestly, I guess it really is all my faulty. I was just expecting him to forgive me, so we could resume our good friendship vibe. He does not know I am aspie, and if I told him, he would laugh and use it against me. These people are all males, in their mid 20's

What do you think? I was so happy for a year. Now I am devasted and have lost the trust in life that I had gained. I am miserable and lonely and without trust.

also, someone called me mary poppins

You work in the TSA.

The grope people and steal.


That's the quality of people you are working with.

Chances are your "crazy" label will get you promoted.

I am sorry to hear of your sorrows. As for my analysis, I see the problem existing in layers. The first layer is Peter's response to your text. The second may be your response to it. People generally make up their own mind about people and take what others say with a "grain of salt". However, because of your suspicions about what he might possibly be saying, it may have tainted how you interact with others, giving credence to what he may or may not have said. This is then altering their opinion of you. Add to it that you are likely a emotionally sensitive person with a limited ability to read social cues and what is probably happening is a self sustaining loop. The only way to stop the loop is to figure out what signals you are giving off and stop doing it. Eventually, people will forget about it and move on. I have gone through similar things myself and can say from experience that only time will heal it.

By the way, you are not alone in being romantically rejected by a work "friend". I had this happen recently with a girl I have worked with for 5 years. She laughs at my jokes, seeks me out to talk to me and seems to enjoy my company. Several other people have told me I should ask her out and that they think we would be good for each other. She's even said things to me like "you make me want to be a better person". However, when I finally did try to ask her out she turned me down and got sort of funny about it. I tried several times with a few different approaches but the answer was always to deflect answering it, and to me that means no. After that, I got severely depressed. In fact, this depression has been hurting me for about a month now but I know there is no way I can ever mention it to anyone at work. If I did it would turn into a big mess with well meaning people trying to "fix" it. Even if she did go out with me after that it wouldn't feel genuine and I would be no better off than I am now.

While you may not like the TSA, the person writing this post is still a human being in pain and deserves respect.

I guess workplaces are like schools.

The level of humanity in a group is inversely proportional to the size of the group

I would just chalk it up as a lesson and move on. Its how most people really are I'm afraid

I used to be like them too, and also like you now are, I was ejected from group for similar behaviours.

They need someone to demonise and you are it.

Its like a pack of animals.... dont expect too much next time....

[also, you may have hitched up with this Peter and it could have been a lot worse..... maybe you are lucky?]

Last edited by Surfman on 09 Oct 2012, 5:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

That's terrible. People can be so cruel.

I admire your boldness in trying to extend your friendship with peter. I'd just ignore your old social circle now though. I wouldn't trust those guys.

What you told us is so awful. But I think that's how many people are in many workplaces. Wherever there are group of people, many of them behave in that way. They need a laughingstock. And unfortunately, people like us with AS have the traits for that position - not being able to read other people's intentions and being awkward. For them it's fun to ridicule, but for the victim it hurts deeply. I have had similar experiences, not necessarily involving romance, and I can understand how you feel. I'm glad that you told us your story because many of us can empathize with you.

It's tough, but I think you should try and move on. Probably focus on your work. Never trust those around you. Just be polite but keep some distance. Not everyone's that bad. You will find some good people.

I' sorry you're going through this. Disregard some of the people who will answer back rudely because they are paranoid about the TSA. There are a couple of really over the top posters about that here.

My life is full of stories like this one, where from an NT point of view I put my foot in my mouth big time and was made the group scapegoat. It's the worst aspect of AS for me.

I won't say I know how you're feeling because we all have different sensitivities, but for me this is the most painful I've experienced.

I consider myself very intelligent, attractive, interesting, enjoyable company, kind-hearted - yet I always end up being the group clown, ridiculed and shunned, hated and blamed for the sins of the world.

I think the best we can do is resist the temptation to blame ourselves for these "social blunders" (as NTs perceive them to be). And I'd strongly discourage you from apologizing. You did no harm to him, he did a lot of harm to you.

now what was that? I mean if you want somebody then you should hardly from a rational point of view want to torture him. That's irrational.
I guess that is a mistake of women that can go badly wrong. Waiting until he shows very strong emotions for you and tries to convince you the nice way?
(artificial resistance). This kind of play is I think too difficult to meaningfully pursue this as an aspie anyway.

If you tell him your feelings and then do not go out with him after that this is really wrong.
Imagine how you would go apeshit if somebody did this to you.
You'd probably not be able to decide is this for real or just fake to harass you.

Anyway sorry to hear. Going around and telling other people how crazy you are is about the worst outcome you could get.
And as an aspie it is very difficult to find out what is the actual truth in that situation. And this is the most difficult thing (or for me it would be)

Maybe he is taking a revenge for that "torture"? He must hate you if he does something like that.
But why? If he is putting so much afford into it then there must be a reason for that.

He's totally overreacting. You wouldn't want that as a boyfriend, do you?
You can tell the spy that he should say to him that he should stop doing this
Or ask him directly what Peter wants, because this is quite childish behaviour because you didn't harm him really

I don't know what to say otherwise. You said yourself you left out details.
It seems there is so much misunderstanding that this whole thing turned into a big mess into which aspies tend to get into a lot. And then the details here and there. Impossible to sort out the things in the end. That kind of things destroy your life when you can't clear them out.

You can't be really angry at him if you feel that you did something wrong. And you'd want to know exactly what and why.

And that whole kind of mess is really sad because that causes so much suffering ...

EDIT: I feel sorry about what I write here. I have been in a similar situation that I can't resolve for myself. I didn't take any revenge like this ashole did.
Although I very often feel like I should.

These things would be good to just forget. NTs can do that more easily. So now I try to be more constructive:

How would you manage to get over such things, when it is impossible to figure out what went wrong?

Coworkers suck whether you have Asperger's or not.

Some of my coworkers think I'm an airheaded idiot....at least I think they think that..... I see my coworkers judging other people...an ex coworker who everybody didn't like, who I thought, after hearing about her, was probably AS, so she was probably judged unfairly. People who come into the shop who some coworkers will talk s**t about, when these people are simply eccentric folks....

I even get made fun of for befriending certain customers who are most likely AS, or simply different, eccentric.....

People are ignorant....

I basically did this same exact thing in an email to my sociology professor (the gist of the email was that I thought she was a totally amazing person, but it was the way I shared my feelings which did me in), she hasn't spoken to me since, I really idolized this person but what kills me is that what I said in that email seemed like such a good idea at the time, the worst part of all was that because I wanted to apologize and explain I was almost expelled. What pisses me off the most is that there was no ill intent on my part, just normal aspie stupidity, not being even remotely aware at the time that I have Aspergers all but guaranteed that my friendship with my professor would end in disaster, but neither is it aparently an excuse or even an explanation, I simply ought to have known better then to have sent such an email. I wonder what a relationship would be like if two aspies became obsessed with each other, what would that friendship/relationship be like?

You should all be thankful you have jobs. I would drag my a$$ over hot coals to even have a job to complain about.

That would hurt...

What prevents you from getting a job? Sensory issues? Overloads?

It is pretty bad to have such coworkers that just want to destroy you.
She could easily loose that job or quit that job because of that.

And than be alone at home, frightened to take a new job (well maybe not that extreme, but it could be possible)